i see a little silhouette of a man...

     man, i'm really high maintenance, aren't i? no wonder i've been spending my time counting how many little bumps are on my ceiling. no, not really. i was just telling rora this, but it seems when one or two significant things start going haywire i suddenly get super-sensitive about stuff. my buddy plays it off, which frustrates me. then i get frustrated over the fact that i'm getting frustrated at all. i just need to unwind, you know? it's been taking me forever to fall asleep lately. i'm three weeks in and i'm already done with school. very little interest, which is NOT a good thing, especially with a test and semi-significant paper coming up this next week. i'm not entirely sure what's keeping me from falling apart completely, but something is. i've felt so distant from God for a while. it's really eating at me. i believe he's there, but it's really hard seeing him through any of this. but i'll keep on keepin' on.

     had a phone interview with scottsdale culinary institute tonight. i really need to figure out what's going to happen next. that's actually a huge worry right now, possibly the worry for me right now. the most lucrative job i could probably get would be hy-vee. and i'm getting so tired of that place. i have to figure out if i want to do grad. school right away, where i'm going to live, how i'm going to live. i'm afraid that i'm going to get swept up in something that will only sweep my book under the bed. my parents have already made it abundantly clear that i'm on my own when i finish my undergrad work, at which point they will give me a bill for college education and whatever other loans they've given me. word of wisdom from a crazy person: don't loan money to anyone, especially someone close to you. give it to them. loans completely change the relationship. and i'm not just saying that because i don't want to pay back my parents. of course i'm going to pay them, but it still strains everything. suddenly everything is business. anyway, the scottsdale thing went well. i talked to the admissions vp, who felt sorry for me, i think (i wasn't depressed to her or anything, but it was painfully obvious that i didn't know what i wanted to do). she talked to me for about 15 minutes on how i need to figure all of that out and decide how i want to do it. the rest was good, too, but it was basic stuff.

     well, i should go to bed. big day tomorrow. later.