the wyrd of me...

     it's been a weird day. reflective and slightly distorted and good and bad all at the same time. i wrote a rather harsh note to a friend this morning, but didn't send it (thank goodness). don't think i will, but the writing did help. sometimes i have pretend conversations with people in my head, kinda like practicing for the real thing, then i never have the real thing. funny how it always turns out differently if i do. but at least the conversations still help. i wrote the note with every intention of sending it. if i do, i'll probably scale it down a bit. it's just frustration. and anger. that's been building. for a long time. and nothing changes. no matter what. and i can't do it anymore.

     i think it's me.

     i've been thinking about taking up smoking. just to try it. i really think it's nasty and stupid, but i don't think it would change things much. i had one of brandon's dad's when we were there for the fourth of july. we were using them as punks. i'm not sure if that's how you spell that version of a punk. but we had to light the things somehow. his weren't that bad. my cousin made me try one of hers once. it was disgusting. camel menthol something or other. gross. and i've had a clove for dramatic purposes. those were weird. not bad, just weird. but the real things are supposed to make you lose weight? yeah, that'd be good. start smoking to lose weight. haha. my 2008 resolution will be to stop smoking. maybe a pipe would be better. i don't know the first thing about pipe smoking, though. that'd probably be cheaper? wikipedia? huh. still thinking. maybe not while i'm home. my mom would freak.

     i was thinking about doing one of those 'year-in-review' things, but realized that most of the months' entries would begin with "things are crazy" or something similar. i'm kinda disappointed with 2006. it was an almost entirely useless year. in fact, i think my life would have been much better had it not happened at all. haha, the year, i mean. heh. there are still a few days to go before i'm out of it, but i survived at least. my resolution was 'to persevere.' ...i guess i should have been more specific. but, all things considered, i think i did pretty well to get this far. i'm so tired of being angry and frustrated. i read a jkr interview this week (or last?) where she said that towards the beginning of writing harry, she had a year where she was just depressed. sure, she just had a divorce and was a single mom on welfare in a strange city, but still. it's almost heartening to hear that people i admire have struggled through tough times. and i look forward to when others will look at my life and say, well if he did it, i can too. because there are some things i wish i could tell you. but i can't until i'm far enough removed from them and famous and then it will be all right. or maybe i'll turn out to be a writing dud and then people won't say anything at all. i'm losing hope. and will. for anything. today was bad.

     there are so many things that i should have been doing today. but i escaped. haha. a little excursion purchased at hy-vee for $6.99 on tuesday morning while on the clock. shh, don't tell. it was eragon. (it's a book.) and i really like it. started out kinda painful. the author is like three months younger than me. kinda crazy? yes. but he started it when he was 15, so the writing gave me a few twinges and grimaces. he became a lot better, though, as he continued. now i can say it has been a sufficient escape. i didn't start it today, but i hadn't gotten very far in it before...probably around page 50 or 60. i'm past 400 now, and am going to go back to it before bed. hopefully i'll finish it tomorrow or saturday so i can go see the movie. we'll see. i like it when books are my friends. i like my book friends. they're nice. i want a saphira.

     so...fate. i've been feeling a lot lately like i'm fated to be like this. i don't want to be like this. i'm amiably skeptical about my hope for 2007. but i still hope. a guy can hope. even if nothing in the world makes sense, a guy can hope. so i should get to bed. i have to wake up at five. this schedule does not help my balance. hmm. anyway, i hope everyone had a good christmas. mine actually was. i forced myself away from everything else and tried to focus on what was going on right then. it was good. but i need sleep. and a book to get me there. so i'll talk to you later.

p.s. rora... don't give up on me yet.