thunderstorms...

       well, it's definitely spring. except it snowed yesterday. that was odd. but it's been in the 70s and i've been loving every minute of it, even if i'm not spending all my time outside. thought it was about the right time to change up the site, too. even though it did snow yesterday. that was very odd. hey, it's missouri.

       i don't really have a lot to talk about. i've found myself in this boat quite a bit lately. just kinda letting things move on their merry ways and hoping that it all works out in the end. march madness might have something to do with it, too. i like sports, but mostly just as exercise or diversion. definitely not as a way of life. <rant> i think too many people put far too much stock into sports and turn something that could be quite good into something wasteful and worthless. i don't understand how people spend all their time memorizing stats and following teams and watching people talk about something that's supposed to be just a pastime. or how someone could get so upset when their team loses. that's what really gets me, i think. something that's supposed to be fun turns into something that's entirely about winning--to prove to everyone that you're better than someone else, that you have worth because you can run faster or throw harder or whatnot. i really don't think that that is how it's supposed to be. during intramurals over the last couple months i watched some of my friends become violent because they lost or were playing poorly (usually both). then they're in this bad mood for the next day or two. it's just a friggin game. it's pretty sad if your life is defined by a game. </rant>

       didn't really mean for that to be a rant. hmm. so i bought a couple movies since the last time i posted. casino royale and stranger than fiction. love both, especially the latter. i have all of my dvds in a binder for convenience/portability/organization, and of course they are all in alphabetical order (excluding series, which are alphabetical by the series title). i know, i'm a nerd. i'm amassing quite the collection of dvds now (i love movies), so casino royale was kind of a pain to add, being at the beginning of the alphabet (it's the only bond i own, so i don't bother with series here). i had to shift all of the following discs back a couple slots so i could fit it in. yeah, i know. really crazy, huh?

       i am chris's neurotic mess.

       i'm beginning to think i'm going to survive. my physical and mental condition upon reaching this goal is still somewhat unknown, but i think, at least, that i will still be very much alive. i'm alienating myself from my friends, i'm procrastinating responsibilities that should not be procrastinated, and i've been baking a lot. i have been exercising, so that's good. but finding that will to survive is increasingly a challenge. the really funny thing is that i'm comfortable here. well, not really comfortable, but i know what to expect. after this, it's all blank. an adventure without a map. to the left-minded, that's exciting. to right-minded infjs, that's insanely overwhelming. i'm trying to get a job as the ra for the liahona house next fall, which would be awesome. free rent in a nice apartment and time to write with friends close by. the only other alternative that i can see right now is to go home, live with mom and dad, work, and write when i can. living 40 minutes away from town, there are no friends close by and i would go completely insane. i really want that ra job, but there happens to be someone else applying for it who is a favorite of the director. so, basically, i'm screwed. not really. i'm trying to trust God that he knows what he's doing in my life (and that he's still working with my life). but i'm still freaking out. yes, i know, i'm still dwelling on all of this. i'll shut up now.

       so it's after noon and i'm still in my pjs. skipped church this morning for a stupid reason, but it's done. i need to get moving. maybe accomplish something today. or maybe part of something. that would be good. i'm beginning to think that people don't like me very much. heck, i don't either. i want to have something to offer.

       hmmm...oh well. take care, all. have a good one.