breathing...

       i've been stutter-blogging a lot lately. you know, the whole starting a post and saying "forget it" about a paragraph in thing. well, that's the g-rated version, at least. but i've hardly been able to organize a single thought, much less an entire post, leaving me a chaotic jumble of expressionless emotion. thought i'd give it a touch of the dramatic just there. you know, it's been nearly two months since i quit my job. i'm kinda impressed that i've made it so far without having to crawl to my parents for help, but survival has been about my only accomplishment. my applications have been sort of put on hold while i wait to hear about the director job here at the l-house. our current director gave notice of her resignation during finals week. i applied with her reservational recommendation. it's not a difficult job by any means and i am qualified for it, but i know the board has some reservations with my age (though i don't feel it--even my hair is thinning) and i have fears that taking the job will perpetuate my "stuck" feeling. oh, and i don't belong to their particular denomination, so that doesn't help. but it would be the perfect job to support a struggling writer. and i'm already here.

       it's been pretty dull since the students have gone. i went with a few friends to the state track and field championships a few weeks ago, which were pretty cool. then last weekend i was in kansas city for a royals game (baseball) as a sort of church-friendly bachelor party for my little brother. got to see my cat. i've been hanging out some with a friend, kyndal, who happens to be a female, but don't get excited. i don't stand a chance. she's at a camp for the next month, too, so that leaves me with...well...me. now i do all right by myself, but the conversations in my head do tend to begin being spoken aloud. and nobody can always be happy when they're alone. definitely feeling stuck. faith has been slipping. that's nothing new, but it seems the velocity of the slippage is increasing. i guess everything feels a little sticky and messy when you're stuck. i think that will pass.

       still looking for motivation. getting a little desperate for it.

       music has been finding its way back into my life. it had been missing for a while. a long while. lifehouse and regina spektor and coldplay and snow patrol and dido with some philip glass thrown in for good measure. they've been bringing me back. they're my favorites for a reason, i guess. pandora has been amazing, too. i love that they play obscure but awesome music. well, obscure at least in america. i'm noticing that a lot of the awesomeness comes from the u.k.

       i kinda want to get a job just to save up money so on a whim i could move somewhere i've always wanted to go. start over.

"i'm finding my way back to sanity again, though i don't really know what i'm gonna do when i get there."