square one...

       i'm finding once again that i'm no longer (or at least not currently) able to effectively express my feelings with the languages at my disposal, id est writing and music. the words fall flat and useless, incoherent and unorganized. the music is repetitive and old -- used a few too many times, the same old songs that i can play don't quite fit. listening to it isn't the same -- only a small comfort to the tune of "misery loves company." and the music ends, just like the words, and i find myself in the same place again. maybe some things can't be expressed -- only endured quietly, stoically, with a big smile for anyone that might accidentally look in my direction.

       poetry might fit a bit better, but most of mine sounds like something a wannabe emo might write in junior high. i've only ever liked a few poets.

       i should probably read, try to distract myself. i got the second musashi the other day. and "splendid suns" has been going well, or at least i like the writing, but the story is becoming depressing. the main character is a fairly unfortunate soul. she constantly faces disappointment. when it seems like she might get a break, like something might actually work out in her favor, it's ripped from her or it turns out completely different from what she was expecting. i identify a little too much. escapism has its flaws, though -- you can't escape from everything. some things are just a little too deep.

       sorry, yes, it's a return to emo posts. i hate posting these, which is usually why i don't post at all, but i needed some kind of emergency outlet. even if it doesn't do much, it's something. my apologies.

       expecto patronum.

       happy thoughts needed. well, a few good things have been happening. they're tied directly to what i'm feeling, but they're still things i should be happy about. everyone has moved into/back into the l-house. lots of sand volleyball and movie watching and late night talks. several new people at the house, and i'm quickly growing attached to many of these. that's part of the problem. brandon was also here yesterday and today (left this morning), so it was good to see him. went to shakespeare's (local pizza), played some more volleyball, then went back to the house and watched batman begins (there was someone there who hadn't seen it! so we watched it for her benefit).

       eh. happy thoughts aren't working. i've lost the desire to write, here or otherwise.

"years go by; will i still be waiting for somebody else to understand? years go by; if i'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head?
years go by; will i choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left? one more casualty..."