rambly and weird...

       what, were you expecting anything else from me? this one gets particularly pointless.

       i'm having one of those "we're all connected" moments that would probably be better explained if i were high. or maybe that's not quite it. i often get this feeling when in crowds of people, like i was tonight. i'm hyper-aware of how ridiculous it is, but i've always had the feeling, ever since i was little, of some responsibility for people, like i'm supposed to find some magical way of making everything better. i don't mean to imply that i have a certain way of doing things and that this way is the right way for everyone. good lord no. i can't even find a "right way" for me. could be my "spread the word" upbringing. or the idealist writer in me. or the fact that i'm such a narcissist.

       i'm home for the weekend and for mother's day. i think ever since i came out my mom has been worried about losing me, so she's been more intent on keeping me close. she hates all the talk of me wanting to move to somewhere like boston or scotland. lord knows neither of those will happen anytime soon anyway. i'd need to write something first. i may have mentioned starting a writing workshop with a friend? hasn't really gotten very far yet, but our next meeting is this sunday night and i was hoping to have a story ready to go. and of course i don't. because i don't write.

       i'm starting to be afraid of how much hope i've invested in the writing thing working out, even in a someday sense. i have no idea what i'd do if it didn't. it just has to. but i'm starting to feel like things are slipping by and i have nothing to show for it.

       i've been exercising more. 33 miles this week, which i'm ashamed to say is the first week since starting six weeks ago that i've achieved my weekly goal of 32 miles (i've averaged about 24). the scales at the plasma center showed me gaining a couple pounds, which is frustrating, but these are also taken in the afternoon after hyper-hydration and a couple meals. but my mom said that i was looking skinnier and she didn't know i've been trying. so that's good, i guess. i don't feel it.

       fell in love with the bbc show "merlin" this week. watched both seasons, impatient for the third. merlin needs to come out to arthur already. i love me some english mythology. and their accents are spectacular. i really want to move there. saw iron man 2 tonight with the 'rents. it was good. and it was all i could do to keep from pointing out that the guy who wrote the screenplay is a fag. i love me some justin theroux. also got tickets to see muse this november. they've never been this far inland (usually keep to the east coast) and i'm super excited. we got floor tickets. had to forgo grocery shopping for a bit to afford them. i need to lose weight anyway. i really need a new job. oh, and i got my gevalia shipment today. paid for that about a month ago so it wasn't an issue here. and it was only $10 for a coffee maker, a pound of pretty darn good coffees, a travel mug, and an insulated serving carafe. now i'm a real writer. i have caffeine.

       why am i struggling so much with church things lately? the question keeps popping up. i need one of those whack-a-mole mallets.

       well, bedtime for me. enough ramblyness. laters.