sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night...

"Sometimes in the morning I wake up with hope and I think maybe today something will change.

But now the night, as inevitable as death, engulfs me, and I wonder: Is there anyone out there,

anyone at all, who is awake and feeling what I am?"

-from "Sometimes I Wake Up"

by Kathleen Leisure

      i've become addicted to the podcast "this american life," thanks to this guy. the host is the cousin of one of my favorite modern composers, which only furthered the addiction in a weird sort of way. hmm. kinda funny, actually. i used to listen to his music to fall asleep. his score to "the hours" remains my favorite soundtrack of all time. anyway, one episode grabbed my attention: titled "fear of sleep," which you can find here (i hope). got me thinking. not about anything intelligent, because we all know i never have anything to do with that sort of nonsense, but it made me think of all of us that have issues in the slumber department. made me think of the friends i've made over midnight chats. reminded me how much i miss the ones i don't/can't talk to. it made me realize that there are a lot of us, even a high concentration here on xanga. and it made me think of some of the things that keep me up and some of the things that made me want to stay asleep.

       it's funny how being stripped of something as simple as an illusion can still leave you feeling like you've lost a part of yourself. i suppose when you've held it for so long, willing the vapors to become substantial, you begin to trick yourself into thinking they are. but eventually you have to wake up. sometimes i try not to. sometimes i try to go back to sleep and linger in the dream a little longer. sometimes that works. other times i don't wake up properly, and i'm stuck halfway between the two, paralyzed, with the "devil on my chest," as they described it in that podcast. most of the time it just slips away, gossamer threads in the breeze--the insubstantial fibers that, for a moment, i thought i could build a happy life with.

       sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night, or rather i just don't go to sleep in the first place, because i feel like i've wasted another day. it's like i'm suddenly acutely aware of the passage of time, and by refusing to sleep i'll somehow stem the flow--a finger in a leaky dam. i'll have more time to accomplish something, more time to make something of myself, more time to wait for someone to come over and fall asleep with me. so i sit there and wait for things to happen. it doesn't work that way, i know. god knows how many of you have told me that i have to try at life for anything to happen, that i have to work for it. but i'm a coward. i'm afraid of failure. i'm intensely horrified by it. paralyzed. so i don't try. right now, as i type this, i'm thinking about how i have to go to work tonight--a rather meaningless job--and all i want to do is to go back to sleep. i shouldn't be tired. i had my eight hours last night. but part of me doesn't even want to try, not even at that.

       i'm rediscovering that life is trial and error. it's not a story that you can organize and outline and turn the numbered pages and read it like a novel with an inevitably happy ending. it's more like a choose your own adventure book. you jump around. you make wrong decisions, you say the wrong things. those have consequences. sometimes you can go back, most of the time you can't. you live with it. you keep going. somehow. and somewhere in all the screw ups you're supposed to learn how to do it right. but what i do, this doing nothing, is still a choice. saying "fuck it" and turning to my books or movies or cooking or cross-stitching or whatever other satin bed sheets i escape in is still a choice to avoid the adventure, or whatever the heck it is. it's about time for me to get into a normal sleep schedule. wake up in the morning. be awake through the day. do things. write. fucking write. go to bed at night. sleep.

       it's about time i take some responsibility for my life. i'm going to be twenty-six in a month. little less. time to grow up.

escape to switzerland...

       coldplay rocks my socks. so do wonderfully escapist books. especially those, and especially recently. it's been a while since i've been able to devote any significant amount of time to reading. while working at the candy factory i was lucky to be able to get something in during lunch, between bites, but within the past month or so i've had the privilege to indulge as much as i've wanted. in reality, though, it's been more of a need--something to keep me going--than an indulgence. and that's where i've spent most of my time, trying not to feel anything but what the characters experience. i read the twilight series twice before the final book came out aug. 2, in the space of about a week. those books are amazing. meyer has a flair for amazing characters. i also read her pseudo-sci-fi "the host," which was also quite good. i've been going through the potter series again (no, i have no idea how many times that will be now), and david got me hooked on eiji yoshikawa's "musashi." gotta love them samurai. seriously, he's cool. i'll be starting book two as soon as it arrives. currently reading khaled hosseini's sophomore bestseller, "a thousand splendid suns." i'm not getting into it as quickly as i did "kite runner," but i still like it so far. oh, and i'm keeping the netflix rolling in. i don't care if i'm penniless, some things are just more important than food. i could stand to lose a few anyway.

       i've always been somewhat of an escapist, taking refuge in my sometimes too vivid imagination. i like that word, "escapist." sounds better than to say that i'm running from my problems, but i suppose it's still all the same. i think i'm going to put that in my "about me" on facebook. i've been contemplating an exodus, though--from columbia, from my current life. change needs to happen. any cullens out there willing to help out? :) i've lived in columbia for seven years tomorrow, with an eighth on the way. this whole college thing has been quite an experience, and yes, it has taken me this long for a four year degree. i thought i'd have that finished a long time ago, but that's a huge story best left for another time. anyway, it's looking like december will be the official date. while many of my friends, including my little brother, are out there married, kids running around (or may be in the near future), i'm still figuring out what i'm going to be when i grow up. i'll be a quarter century old in less than two weeks. not old, i know, but it feels like something needs to happen yesterday. i want to get out and experience things, not be stuck in the middle of corn fields and bars for the rest of my life. i've thought about going to a dozen different places, some in the u.s., some not. i think i'd like to be abroad for a while. couple years, maybe more, maybe less. had an offer to teach english in korea, but they wanted me to go now and, tempting as that is, i speak no korean and i'm still not sure what's going on here.

       i was fired from my job. i know, right? i finally get one, seemingly the perfect one, especially for my purposes right now with wanting to write and all, and i'm fired three weeks in. they're allowing me to stay as head resident (can't beat free rent), but only on the condition that i "behave myself." which means i can't really discuss the details of it here. but i've never been fired before. i was written up at hy-vee once, while i was in high school, because i skipped a shift (that they didn't really need me for) to go on a date. :) my boss at the time thought it was funny--he was impressed, actually. but the whole "fired" thing was, and remains to be, a rather horrible situation. they're making some pretty huge changes at the house. needless to say, this is going to be a very interesting year (re: hell). i still don't know if i want to be here to see it. well, i don't, really, but i can't afford to move out. so i'm looking for a job. i'm trying to decide whether to give up writing for a while in favor of a job. i really don't want to.

       it has also been a very long summer. not as long as last summer, but still a little too quiet. i'm by no means a social butterfly, but i like to have company when it's convenient. ;) that's another thing about getting older, especially in a college town, because most of my friends my age (or near it) are gone, and the new people coming in don't age. the new ones are always 18. it blew me away when i realized that this year's freshman class was born in 1990. the oldest of my close friends here is actually younger than my little brother. haha. and i'm really not an ageist, but there are still fairly different perspectives and experiences there. it doesn't help that i've never met anyone (actually met, at least) quite like me. brandon was a complement, not a soul-kin, which is kinda what i need. i could use some good competition. :)

       so here i am at one of my favorite places, ellis library, pandora tuned to coldplay, snow patrol, and lifehouse (you know, my holy trinity of music), along with some muse, regina spektor, dido, evermore, incubus, and a few others for good measure. ooh, mcr just came on. nice. khaled hosseini, my blackberry, and a water bottle are at my left hand, and my thumb drive is in the usb. no idea what i'm doing. see if i can write something. ideas have been coming, lately, but they're mostly formless still. i have to pee, but i don't want to get up. and i'm tired because i don't sleep. couple nights this past week i actually didn't go to bed at all. ooh, dashboard confessional. i love pandora.

       someone please tell me you understood the title. preferably a guy. i hate being the only guy i know that likes twilight. then again, i'm the only guy i know that reads. rainy day. i love rain. ooh, take me away, dido. don't leave me for aeneas. "i will go down with this ship. i won't put my hands up in surrender." hmm. applicable? i hope not. eh. the will is overruled by the bladder. i'm rambling anyway. be well, my friends. see you next month?