i probably should be sleeping...

       feeling a little bit like an asshole at the moment. i can't really talk to anyone about it (or don't feel like it), so, sure, i'll tell a bunch of strangers. i got a kitten last night. yeah, that should be a really happy thing. and it is. i love him to pieces. he's super cute, and i've never really met a cat like him. all my cats in the past have been either extremely playful or extremely cuddly, and this one is the best of both worlds, hilariously playful, and heart-breakingly cuddly. i've been wanting a cat for a very long time, and i was amazed when my house director said that i could have one. and he can't get enough of me. so why am i depressed? it's pathetic. i went into it in part hoping that little hermes would fill a rather painful void. he did fill a void, but not the void--the one that's raw at the edges and gaping in all the wrong places. somehow, having him here has only served to magnify the other. heh. he just jumped into my lap. he's so tiny he can fit in one hand. and it strikes me that i can love and be loved so easily and so quickly by this tiny little furball when all i do is give him food and shelter and attention, but it's seemingly impossible to get another person to love me when i work infinitely harder for it.

       and don't be so vain to think this song's about you.

       a lot has happened. i've been changing the ol' life around. it has its moments. more later. i never disappear entirely from this place.