spem semper habemus...

       we always have hope. that was a quote from a latin story we had to translate. turned out to be the story of pandora's box. there's irony for you. so i think i'm dropping latin. yeah, i know. one of four classes that i actually wanted to take in my entire college career. i don't need it, though, and, frankly, i'm just not motivated. i think i would do better on my own anyway. or at least i can pretend. it wasn't turning out to be an easy class, but i wouldn't have called it difficult either. i'm just too burned out, i think. yes, i'm probably going to regret this decision for years down the road. it's never good to make decisions when you're not in the best of spirits, but i've been mulling it over for a couple days and i think i'm going to take advantage of my poor mood before i change my mind.

<pity party>
       if for any reason you had hoped that this might be one of my happy posts, i regret to inform you that it is not. so leave now and spare yourself the sigh and moan that will undoubtedly come when you read my whiny drivel. it's nothing new. surprise surprise. as coldplay says, "we never change." i don't know how much more of it i'm going to be able to take, though. i feel myself wearing down. saw "little miss sunshine" today. interesting movie. very odd, but i liked it, i think. they said something to the effect that the times spent suffering are the ones in which we grow and become the people we are meant to be, and that all the other ones are just wasted. haha. haven't wasted too much time for a while. i really, really want to believe that...that there's a reason for this. the longer it protracts, though, the more impossibly difficult it becomes to hold on to that belief. i used to be able to watch a good movie (one of my favorites) or read a good book and feel better about everything, if only for a while. but even that's beginning to be poisoned by this impossible loneliness. there is no diversion from it. there is no ease from the hopelessness. even God seems to be holding back, waiting to see what i do next. i haven't been to church since november. i want to go back and i don't. church has seemed to be sapping my energy. church people. we're so impossibly selfish and insensitive. there's no love anymore, or at least i can't feel it. went to rcm tonight. that was interesting. i appreciated the talk, actually, but it's the after part that gets me...the milling around and making small talk and being friendly with a bunch of people that would leave you behind in a blink. i'm just the weird one, though. the needy one. the one who isn't very good at sports and tags along with the people he wants to be like, but will never be. the one who wants to play basketball with them when they go, but he knows his friend is too competitive and will just get mad at him. the one who likes harry potter. the writer...no, i'd have to be published to be that. the one who took six years to finish a four-year degree (and no one, not even his parents, knows why). the one who sits at his computer and waits for the phone to ring or a message to pop up or someone to knock on his door. he'll wait forever there. the one who dreams and does nothing.
</pity party>

       that almost feels better. i'm listening to coldplay, too, so that kinda helps. depressing music always helps when you're depressed. odd, isn't it? i have a headache. i think i'll take a bottle of something and go to bed. ah, kidding (about the bottle, in case you wondered). believe it or not, i do remember the last time i was happy. i mean happy. i don't mean a simple good mood or fun times. those still happen, but i mean a time when i could go for months and never feel like this...when i could immerse myself in what i was doing and feel like i meant something to other people, like i was wanted or even needed. that was a dream, though. a long time ago.

       but we always have hope. even if it's just a little.