before i go run my butt off (hopefully)...

       hello all. it's been a while. just one of those things where i'm thinking, "if you don't have anything good to post, don't post at all." sure, i've had good things. just not so many to post. and i'm not necessarily saying that this one's going to be chock full of them, but... ok, i'll stop. on with the post.

       so i might have a "job" in the fall. well, not so much of a job as a place to be. the house director talked to me last year about being the r.a. starting in the fall when the current r.a.'s leave. there was only one other person vying for the oh-so-lucrative (i'm being facetious) position (my brother), but he was gracious enough to withdraw in lieu of my current situation (and the fact that he has a new girlfriend that might complicate things). it's not a paying position, but i would have free rent on a nice little apartment (and it is nice), with no worries about paying any extras like utilities, etc. i can have another job and/or continue my education if i so choose. the only requirements are being around and available at certain times to keep peace. i'm thinking: good place to unwind after a six-year college run and work to pay off loans (instead of working to keep an apartment) while not having to work a ton so i can have time to write. lovely on the surface. beneath the surface we have a million questions like, "what do i want to do with my life?" and "should i get started on it now?" while also thinking "do i want to continue to grad. school? and if so should i do that immediately?" i don't know. one of my professors told me that if i went to grad. school (and she thinks i should) that i should not stay at mu, but go to k-state. which is where brandon is going. yeah, i can see him being thrilled about that.

       is it silly to pursue dreams? would i be unrealistic to stay here and try to write? do i think i could do it? yes, i think i could. honestly, i do. but it's still a terrifying thought. i'm at an interesting point in the book. it's the point where i've stopped in all the others. it's the point of creation. where all of the initial ideas begin to run out, the exposition is wrapping up, and the conflict is introduced. here i have to start seeking out the answers to the questions i've been asking. how do you answer your own questions?

       it's difficult to not worry about the future. it's even more difficult to trust in someone you can't see to make everything in that future work out so well. lately things have been taking a slightly different turn than i expected them to take. everything's kinda falling apart. well, no, not everything. but the things i really care about. "falling apart" is a bad word. it's losing its structure. things are becoming more fluid, more uncertain. more apt to change. in just a few months my friends, my home, my life will all change. i've become so inextricably attached to some of them that i have no idea how i'm going to handle being ripped away. it's silly to think that i'll never see them again, but things will never be the same. they'll go their way, do their thing; i'll go mine. it's hard to find hope in that. it's just that when you've loved and lost so many times, there begins to be so little of you left. wouldn't it be wonderful, for a change, if we didn't have to lose?

       okay, i'm starting to get sentimental. and long-winded.

       oh, i need to go to the gym. sweat some of this out. so how about that super-bowl? commercials were kinda disappointing. we had a couple assignments last week where we had to read the newspaper cover to cover on two different days and be quizzed about them the next day in class. i've discovered that i hate journalists. no, not all. but it was such terrible writing. i've decided to blame, in part, the degradation of our society's vocabulary and syntax on modern journalism. they cater to the ignorant, dumbing-down the rest. there's my soapbox for the day.

       d-day...one week and two days. stay tuned to hear the story of one young man's struggle (and ultimate failure) at finding love. lots of movies and weight-gain to follow. stay sexy, xangaland. (did i really just type that??)