oh, that's right...

       i remember, now, why i stopped posting. something to do with the fact that i don't have anything worth saying anymore. nothing to report. nothing to talk about. not really, anyway. i haven't slept in 48 hours--i guess that's kinda interesting. well, it's not entirely accurate either. i took about a 2 hour nap after breakfast today (around 9am). i was just talking with a couple friends. yes, believe it or not (i still don't really believe it) i do have one or two of those. the conversation was engaging at times and a little crude at others, but i stayed up because i just wanted to connect with people. i don't really remember how that works anymore. i've all but decided, though, to do away with friends. close friends, at least. i just want to stay in my apartment and only come out when absolutely necessary. i don't want to go to work, i don't want to go to church, and i definitely don't want to go out into the common room.

       watch, i'll be out there tomorrow.

       i'm just tired of investing in relationships. i'm tired of putting so much of myself into something to have it so easily brushed aside, to be so easily forgotten. basically, i'm tired of falling in love with people. i don't have the strength for it right now. i don't have the resilience to bounce back. yeah, they say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. i'm willing to bet that at least one of you was thinking that. but i don't believe it. i'm just done with it. for a little while, at least.

       it wasn't really the day. something did happen that kinda made things worse. ok, a lot worse. but i've been coming to this for a while now. i just don't have it in me at the moment.

       know what the funny thing is? i'm supposed to preach this coming sunday. this should be interesting.