the first four years...

       it's been four years (on the 7th) since i joined xanga. kinda wish i could have those years of my life back now. not my life in the xanga-verse, but my life everywhere else. kinda wish none of it had ever happened, actually. i remember exactly where i was then. physically, i was about 50 steps from this very spot, sitting at my desk and looking out my window to the dark street below and across the street to the still-lit buildings of the university where students were working late into the night to study and finish up projects. kind of interesting that i'm really not very far from where i was then. i'm honestly not sure about where i was mentally or emotionally. if anything, i've probably regressed over the last few years. there's a big difference between my first posts and this one. back then i wanted to share my life with people. i wanted to become someone. now i'm trying to shut people out, trying to forget them, trying to make it through one hour after another while remembering the someone i wanted to be and trying to reconcile that with who i am now.

       right now i'm sitting on my very lumpy futon, blinds drawn, but through the curtain on my door i can look across the street to the still-lit buildings of the university. and i kinda want to be there with them. but not as me. as one of them. four years ago i wouldn't have expected to be where i am right now. i think i would have saved myself the trouble.

       i need to sleep. to sleep, perchance to dream.