fashionably(?) late...

       i seem to be something of a hunter/quester after all. i wonder if it's a thing hard wired into the y chromosome, but i'm finding myself in a funny situation where i'm asking... now what? go ahead, draw your conclusions. you probably won't be too far off. needless to say, it was a good weekend. the grail turned out to be not as shiny as i expected or, more appropriately, hoped, and i'm feeling somewhat deflated tonight, mostly upset with myself for hoping for impossible things. but i'm also crossing a few wires in my brain and all the emotions are getting confused, so maybe things will settle down shortly. yes, i'm being cryptic on purpose. my kc gay bar cherry was popped over the weekend, though. i had to laugh at myself because i found it strange that the place had multiple rooms, multiple bars, and every inch of it was packed (hehe). but it turned out to be simultaneously more and less intimidating than i expected. certainly more people than the columbia bars and a far greater variety, which was refreshing. kinda disappointed in the drag show, though. it seemed like more of an afterthought, tucked away in a corner with very little structure or attention. granted, i didn't see much of it, but it was obvious that it wasn't nearly the entertaining production that i came to know in como. but this was only one of the bars. we even took a cab, which, thinking about it now, was my first time ever riding in a taxi. that's kinda funny. it was all a good time, though. and about time.

       today was the 24th, or yesterday was. for a long time it has been one of my favorite dates, simply on nerd principle, and you can see by my pulse that i still honored it, even if you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's always so wonderfully autumny, though, which you know is my favorite season, and then there's the whole, well, nerd part of it. i actually requested today off, in hopes of getting some writing in and of enjoying the day, but i didn't get much of that done. i think i'd rather blame it on the time of the month or being uber-exhausted from the weekend (i still had to work saturday morning after being out till 3, and since there was no way i could drive that night i had to get up at 7 to drive the hour back to my house to shower and change into my work clothes before driving the 45 minutes back to work -- have i mentioned that i hate living in the country?) than thinking about it too much, which is what i'll inevitably do if i keep rambling on.

       i'm trying to make something right now, and i want it to be perfect. except i'm kinda giving up on it because i'm convinced that it won't be. sometimes i feel very silly and out of touch with what's going on around me, which isn't a good thing for someone who wants to be a writer. i hate not knowing how people will respond to things.

       bed time. past bed time, actually. ninight.

the fallout: my coming out story, part three...

part one
part two

       we've talked about it since the big day back in december: an official "part two" of the discussion, which was to take place after my parents reviewed the materials i gave them and did some searching (soul and otherwise) of their own. well, finally, that day was today. they drove down to como yesterday evening and we spent the evening just being together. went for dinner at a hibachi restaurant, where i spilled dr. pepper all over my jeans and new calvin klein hoodie (i'm not really a brand sort of person, which was one of the draws of this hoodie -- no billboards attached, even if the price tag was larger than i normally can afford, but i didn't buy it either. fortunately it survived the incident unscathed). there was a really cute waiter there, too. he wasn't ours, unfortunately, but i was glad that he didn't see me running to the restroom with what looked like a big pee stain on my pants. anyway, after going back to my apartment for fresh clothes we went to see "how to train your dragon," which was a surprise. i really liked it.

       today we slept in and i made banana pancakes, refusing to go to ihop for the greasy stuff, although that ihop diet always does me good (there's always someone fatter than you). dishes were washed and showers were had and then we sat down to talk. they told me that they've grown a lot, that their attitudes have changed/are changing, but then they started talking about these books they read by more christian psychologists who thickly slather guilt on the parents and completely disregard the genetic research. but hey, at least it's not my fault, yeah? oh, but apparently i still have the opportunity to change my mind and repent.

       *sigh*

       they told me that they'd always be there for me, that they love me and support me and would welcome my boyfriend/husband/partner/man should i bring him home, but that they still think it's a sin and just in case i ever want to be straight they wanted me to know that they'd help me out. or rather back in.

       i suggested that they see a non-christian counselor and run those other books (that should be stored at a dry, 451 degrees) by them to see what they have to say.

       in all fairness, i know this is hard for them. they told me that people are talking, in whispers and otherwise, that some are sending them anti-gay propaganda. i told them, in a much nicer way, that it's none of those people's fucking business and that they (my parents) shouldn't give a shit.

       it wasn't heated. it was a decent conversation, really, and we were all pretty open. but i'm disappointed (even though i'm happy that they have come a long way). i came away with the impression that they think it's a phase, or at least that they hope it is. but there was a point where we all realized we were hungry again and decided to go for lunch and enjoy the day. so we walked around columbia a bit, visited my current place of employment for lunch and my former place of employment for dessert and stopped at a local organics store for some tomatoes which we took back to my apartment to make guacamole.

       in the end i think it's something they'll get used to. well, they'll have to, really. or it'll turn into one of those things that the family kinda ignores and pretends isn't there. any guys i bring home won't be people i love and make love with, but "roommates" or "friends." oy. fortunately, tonight i'm going to a gay bar for lots of needed fun and booze and debauchery and mostly naked men.