on a scale of one to ten, i'm a nine...
i secret shopped a church this morning. i know, right? gay boy, more or less agnostic, hasn't been to church in about a year -- and they pay me $25/hour to visit and take a survey after. not the church itself, but there's a company here in missouri that offers this service to churches. funny thing is, i'm exactly what they want -- an outside perspective. apparently i'm a particularly good candidate, too, because i have an inside perspective as well and can express my opinions somewhat effectively. i was a little cynical about how i would like it, but it turns out i really enjoyed it. not the service itself. that was boring as hell, if you'll pardon the expression (not really -- i so did that on purpose). but it was rather amazing to be able to vent some of my frustrations to people who honestly wanted to hear them and who really want to make an effort to change. might be a tad idealistic to really expect that change, especially with all the gray hairs i saw in the congregation today, but at least it's something.
i'm not really a nine, as the title of this update might suggest, nor will i probably ever see the graceful curves of that particular number on the far, far distant horizon or anywhere in between, but i'm working on two things here: actually improving myself and improving my attitude toward myself. selfish goals, i know, but i'm currently subscribing to the whole "be the change" idea, and after the last several years i definitely need it. to start, my self-confidence has been ground to dust. it was never that great anyway, but the whole shame of being gay and the (bad) weight gain during my years of uber-depression (that ended a little over a year ago) wore that ego down to the nubbins. so i'm working on the body, hoping to get my six pack back. man, that was a long time ago. i weighed about 145lbs out of high school. i'm short. about 18 months ago i weighed 190ish. keep in mind -- i'm short. now i did gain a lot of (good) weight during a gym-rat phase several years ago that took me to about 155, but that 190 is still a gain of 45lbs (that's just over 20 kilos for my non-u.s. friends). this past summer, and again in the last few weeks, i've been actively doing something about that. finally. i stole ryan's student i.d. while he's home for break, and i've been running like a crazy lady at the rec. which reminds me -- there's this crazy lady in columbia whom i've seen everywhere over the last few years -- i swear she's following me. she looks kinda homeless, but i don't think she is. just older and ... not that into grooming. she was at the gym the other day and it freaked me out. anyway. i'm down to about 164lbs now, if you get me all nekkid, which you really don't want to do. not yet. but that makes me happy. i wore a pair of pants to church today that i haven't been able to fit into in a very long time and my ass looked great. i smiled. but i suppose those would be my (cliche, i know) resolutions for the year twenty-ten: abs and absolution. it's a little bit of a stretch, but it's catchy and i wanted to use it. sure, it's not absolution in the traditional sense, but more of an absolution of myself -- being who i am without shame.
writing more should also be added to that list, but "abs, absolution, and writing more" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. writing is part of who i am, though, so if i let myself be who i am then i'll write more, too. good theory? i'll take it.
i'm in a good mood. and i just realized why. dammit. don't you hate it when your mood hinges on other people? this is going to hurt a lot more than i expected. but that won't be for a long time, so i don't have to worry about that yet. i'll enjoy the high for now. 
later, taters.