dum dum dee dum...

       this one's gonna be kinda a rambly post because i don't really have a whole lot to talk about but things are still happening and i felt like updating. so yeah. ok now i'm not sure where to start.

        three weeks into the semester already, which is a little weird, but it always goes faster than i expect and you'd think i'd be used to that by now. but no. this is the time of year that for whatever reason i usually become even more of a loner. still true, for the most part. i've been busier than normal, i think, which is neither good nor bad, and i have been spending more time with one individual in particular, but the "loner" feeling still prevails, probably because i don't have any interesting stories to tell about said individual. well, at least no stories of the sort that would forever cure that "loner" status. and yes, i'd very much like to tell those sorts of stories about this person. way too much, probably. and no, i doubt it will happen. never does.

        i've been teaching voice lessons. that's a new one for me. it was much easier with piano because i've been playing for 20 years, but i didn't start studying voice until my sophomore year in high school (ish). yeah, i guess that was still a while ago, but i haven't been singing either, for about seven years now. that makes me sad. it has been good to start again, to look through music and remember the theory and techniques that i was taught. we've had two lessons so far and we can both tell that he's improving, so that's good. he told me in the last that i was a good teacher. made me kinda happy. and it has been fun, but spending time with him in this capacity is a little strange. you see he's the individual i mentioned above, and i hope to god that he is ignorant of this blog because that would suck in the bad way.

       it's starting to hurt. what's worse is that i already know what he'd say. so i need to stop. again. really getting tired of this.

       next week's going to be crazy. true/false film fest volunteer orientation on sunday, work at the which then voice on monday, then i'm going to st. louis on tuesday with my dad and brother to see the red wings vs. blues, and apparently i'm finally being forced to wear a jersey, probably so i don't opt for the rainbow sweater. no, i don't really own a rainbow sweater. wednesday will be mine, but then i'm working at the candy factory for the rest of the week, doing strawberries again for singles awareness day. that will be roughly a 40-hour work week in a 60-hour period. should be fun. actually, i am kinda looking forward to it. if they have an open position (unlikely) and they'd have me (maybe) i'd take it in a heartbeat. i need a new job. desperately. i should get something that's more in my degree, but at this point i just need something that will pay bills and feed me. except i could definitely use some starvation.

       i have been good, i will say that. as i mentioned in the last, i was running about 20 miles a week over break, but i haven't been since classes started and the gym is temporarily swamped. i'll probably start going again this weekend, hoping to elbow my way through the people starting to get tired of their resolutions. i'm not sure why i so desperately want my abs back. probably has something to do with him. this will all end in tears.

       on a lighter note, and a slightly silly one, hermes got his nails done today. well, really they're just softpaws nail caps. you can get them in different colors, for cats or dogs, and they're seriously wonderful. he didn't quite like the application process and it turned into a sort of hide-and-seek game, but he didn't seem to mind them in the least once they were on. pic below. and with that i'll say goodbye for now. i hope you're all well.

=)

on a scale of one to ten, i'm a nine...

       i secret shopped a church this morning. i know, right? gay boy, more or less agnostic, hasn't been to church in about a year -- and they pay me $25/hour to visit and take a survey after. not the church itself, but there's a company here in missouri that offers this service to churches. funny thing is, i'm exactly what they want -- an outside perspective. apparently i'm a particularly good candidate, too, because i have an inside perspective as well and can express my opinions somewhat effectively. i was a little cynical about how i would like it, but it turns out i really enjoyed it. not the service itself. that was boring as hell, if you'll pardon the expression (not really -- i so did that on purpose). but it was rather amazing to be able to vent some of my frustrations to people who honestly wanted to hear them and who really want to make an effort to change. might be a tad idealistic to really expect that change, especially with all the gray hairs i saw in the congregation today, but at least it's something.

       i'm not really a nine, as the title of this update might suggest, nor will i probably ever see the graceful curves of that particular number on the far, far distant horizon or anywhere in between, but i'm working on two things here: actually improving myself and improving my attitude toward myself. selfish goals, i know, but i'm currently subscribing to the whole "be the change" idea, and after the last several years i definitely need it. to start, my self-confidence has been ground to dust. it was never that great anyway, but the whole shame of being gay and the (bad) weight gain during my years of uber-depression (that ended a little over a year ago) wore that ego down to the nubbins. so i'm working on the body, hoping to get my six pack back. man, that was a long time ago. i weighed about 145lbs out of high school. i'm short. about 18 months ago i weighed 190ish. keep in mind -- i'm short. now i did gain a lot of (good) weight during a gym-rat phase several years ago that took me to about 155, but that 190 is still a gain of 45lbs (that's just over 20 kilos for my non-u.s. friends). this past summer, and again in the last few weeks, i've been actively doing something about that. finally. i stole ryan's student i.d. while he's home for break, and i've been running like a crazy lady at the rec. which reminds me -- there's this crazy lady in columbia whom i've seen everywhere over the last few years -- i swear she's following me. she looks kinda homeless, but i don't think she is. just older and ... not that into grooming. she was at the gym the other day and it freaked me out. anyway. i'm down to about 164lbs now, if you get me all nekkid, which you really don't want to do. not yet. but that makes me happy. i wore a pair of pants to church today that i haven't been able to fit into in a very long time and my ass looked great. i smiled. but i suppose those would be my (cliche, i know) resolutions for the year twenty-ten: abs and absolution. it's a little bit of a stretch, but it's catchy and i wanted to use it. sure, it's not absolution in the traditional sense, but more of an absolution of myself -- being who i am without shame.

       writing more should also be added to that list, but "abs, absolution, and writing more" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. writing is part of who i am, though, so if i let myself be who i am then i'll write more, too. good theory? i'll take it.

       i'm in a good mood. and i just realized why. dammit. don't you hate it when your mood hinges on other people? this is going to hurt a lot more than i expected. but that won't be for a long time, so i don't have to worry about that yet. i'll enjoy the high for now.

       later, taters.

rhapsody in blue jeans...

       i made white chocolate-filled chocolate cupcakes tonight. i've eaten four of them. and i still wonder why i'm fat. hi, my name is chris and i'm an emotional eater. well, i thought it would be fitting, seeing as this is my first post of the new year. i went to the gym on thursday. meant to go every day since, but haven't. it felt amazing, though. it's becoming a little hard to believe that not that long ago i was going every day for at least two hours. but i'm feeling it again. and i'm insanely out of shape. i may yet regain my physique and have people love me again. haha. only kidding on that last bit. people will never love me.

       so i'm still thinking about resolutions. i was perusing friend's facebook pages (perusing is such a better word for stalking) and saw a note from one friend that contained his resolutions for last year. as i read it, i noticed that the serious ones that he had made (there were a few that were not as serious) were well on the way to being realized. then i thought about my own resolutions from last year and what i wanted to accomplish. i think that was one reason why i ate those four cupcakes, which is rather ironic considering that i, along with millions of other americans, had resolved to lose weight. because in many of my resolutions i actually went in the opposite direction. yeah, that was heartening.

       i think i'm feeling something like hope for this year, though. there has been a gradual lessening of my overall "i hate everything" attitude, and i'm starting to entertain the notion that something might actually change. but for now that remains to be simply hope, partly because i'm not sure why that something has stirred in me, and right now i still don't trust it.

       i saw the kite runner tonight. miracle of miracles, it ended up in columbia somehow, but this may have been a special screening because it wasn't there yesterday. i have the movie times on my home page and noticed it there and felt like being impulsive. wow. i'm still not sure how to describe it, but it swept me away. tears your heart right out. i've had the book on hold at the library and it is currently waiting to be picked up, so i think i will do that tomorrow.

       i've also been deepening my love for regina spektor. i think i'm becoming obsessed. if i could write poetry, i think i'd write songs like hers. wouldn't really go with my voice, though. still looking for what does. i'll never really give up on that.

       back to work tomorrow; back to that soul-crushing place where dreams are slowly roasted and candy coated and swallowed back like the pills you take to make you better, only they just make your stomach ache. you can tell i'm excited.