rhapsody in blue jeans...

       i made white chocolate-filled chocolate cupcakes tonight. i've eaten four of them. and i still wonder why i'm fat. hi, my name is chris and i'm an emotional eater. well, i thought it would be fitting, seeing as this is my first post of the new year. i went to the gym on thursday. meant to go every day since, but haven't. it felt amazing, though. it's becoming a little hard to believe that not that long ago i was going every day for at least two hours. but i'm feeling it again. and i'm insanely out of shape. i may yet regain my physique and have people love me again. haha. only kidding on that last bit. people will never love me.

       so i'm still thinking about resolutions. i was perusing friend's facebook pages (perusing is such a better word for stalking) and saw a note from one friend that contained his resolutions for last year. as i read it, i noticed that the serious ones that he had made (there were a few that were not as serious) were well on the way to being realized. then i thought about my own resolutions from last year and what i wanted to accomplish. i think that was one reason why i ate those four cupcakes, which is rather ironic considering that i, along with millions of other americans, had resolved to lose weight. because in many of my resolutions i actually went in the opposite direction. yeah, that was heartening.

       i think i'm feeling something like hope for this year, though. there has been a gradual lessening of my overall "i hate everything" attitude, and i'm starting to entertain the notion that something might actually change. but for now that remains to be simply hope, partly because i'm not sure why that something has stirred in me, and right now i still don't trust it.

       i saw the kite runner tonight. miracle of miracles, it ended up in columbia somehow, but this may have been a special screening because it wasn't there yesterday. i have the movie times on my home page and noticed it there and felt like being impulsive. wow. i'm still not sure how to describe it, but it swept me away. tears your heart right out. i've had the book on hold at the library and it is currently waiting to be picked up, so i think i will do that tomorrow.

       i've also been deepening my love for regina spektor. i think i'm becoming obsessed. if i could write poetry, i think i'd write songs like hers. wouldn't really go with my voice, though. still looking for what does. i'll never really give up on that.

       back to work tomorrow; back to that soul-crushing place where dreams are slowly roasted and candy coated and swallowed back like the pills you take to make you better, only they just make your stomach ache. you can tell i'm excited.