help! i can't stop!

 
       so i'm excited about the little ups delivery i'll be getting on tuesday, yeah? the only itty bitty detail that i didn't take into account when i decided on this splurge is... i'm a convicted bibliophile. my last book splurge was roughly four years ago, when our local library had it's annual used book sale. they take books that were donated to the library throughout the year and sell them for $0.50 for a paperback and $1.00 for a hardcover to help raise funds for the following year (this library, blessedly, doesn't have late fees--it's quite wonderful). anyway, i don't remember how much i spent, but i purchased somewhere around 80 books. not much of a splurge, put in financial terms, but i did have to bring another bookshelf from home. now i won't have to bring another bookshelf for this latest spree (even though i do need one, i have three here in my apartment--two full-sized, one half-sized--and my books are starting to be stacked on top of each other), but i do need to stop sometime soon before my kindle won't be able to hold them all. in the last, what, two days? i've queued up somewhere around 60 books to be downloaded once i charge up my wonderful device. and that 60 isn't including the complete works of austen, dickens, and shakespeare that i ordered. haha. oy.

       oh... i just had a thought... i don't know where i'm going to start! there are so many... classics, newbies, things in the middle. hmm. yes, i do know. "world without end" by ken follett. the sequel to his wonderful "pillars of the earth." then one of the neil gaiman books (i got three ). then either lois lowry's "gossamer" or gregory maguire's "wicked." hmm. i have an ayn rand that i want to work in there, too. hmm. i still have paper books waiting to be read... "the catcher in the rye" and the fourth musashi and diana wynne jones' "castle in the air," the sequel to "howl's moving castle" (which was awesome). can't forget about those. gah! not enough time!

       i'm addicted, though. i'm not paying for all of them, of course. most of that bunch were free classics. the complete works weren't free. most of the rest were. but i need to stop. mhmm. maybe just a couple more...

       i had a ponder, but i can't think of what it was now... i got too excited. so many books!

       have you read anything good lately? any suggestions? i need to branch out into the more "adult" novels, i think, but i still prefer my young adult fiction. grownups muddle things up too much. nevertheless, any ideas?
 

i just did something extremely irresponsible...

       so i've been having a blah week. one of my best friends, greg, is in the hospital again. a few years ago his appendix burst and a couple years ago he found out he had crohn's disease. i found out last thursday that within the last few weeks he's been in and out of hospitals again and he even made an emergency trip to the mayo clinic. tuesday or wednesday he had surgery in new york and we still haven't been able to get word of how all of that went. so i've been really worried about him. also having some other not fun things happening that i don't want to talk about. so basically it's been a pretty blah week.
 
       yes, i'm using these as excuses.

       i'm a pretty impulsive person, but i've wanted one of these very, very badly for a very, very long time. no, i would never be able to afford one. i work part-time for minimum wage and that rarely covers the bills. it's not a great thing to admit to the world, but i'm horrible with money. i love amazon.com. and i love books. and my tax return was a little larger than i was expecting. and i've wanted one for a very, very long time. and i love books. and i've been having a blah week and wanted to treat myself. and this one looks so much better than the last. and i ran into a random blog that had a review of it and i took it as a sign from god. or something like that. ok, not really. but i wanted one. i got second-day shipping because i'm excited and i'm already dropping $400 on it, but on tuesday i will be receiving one of these:

       i'm excited.

My weird, random, and yet still hopelessly banal list of 25 things about me...

Because I've been threatened at knife-point. Well, do eKnives count?I'm too proud to admit that I did it because everyone else is.

1) I procrastinate nearly everything. Especially this list. I am an expert.

2) I'm very sad that I possess no artistic talent in the area of drawing. I've always wanted to learn, but alas, even my stick people come out looking a bit wobbly and pathetic. I'm very jealous of those who can draw, and I get mildly upset when they refuse to entertain me with said talents at my whim. However, to appease my inner three year old, I very much enjoy coloring books. Colored pencil on recycled paper is my preferred medium.

3) I have a bucket list. I started it last week. So far it has only one item, but there are (of course) a bajillion other things floating around in my head that will eventually end up on that list. There's a process, you see, and it takes some time, because once something is on the list it's almost like a contract has been signed that will require me to experience whatever that item describes, but eventually "stay in an ice hotel" will have many friends.

4) a) Some of my most meaningful relationships are with people I've never met. I at once hate and love the internet.

    b) Some of my most meaningful relationships are with people who don't exist. I love books. There's no hate here.

5) I have a tendency to fall in love before my brain can tell me not to. Pfft. Who am I kidding? Since when have I ever listened to that babbling idiot?

6) My passion is writing; unfortunately, my expertise is procrastination (see item one). I'd start a revolution if I could get up in the morning.

7) For me there is nothing more thoroughly terrifying or exhilarating than a blank white screen with a blinking cursor. I think I like the feeling a little too much, though, because I'm constantly starting over or starting something else.

8) I attempt to play three musical instruments (not including voice). I've only played one of those in front of an audience (not including recitals) and it was a disaster. To my shame, I haven't yet tried again, but regular practice sessions may be overheard in the Liahona House common room (often accompanied by a rousing chorus of jeers and, my personal favorite, the classic "Make It Stop!").

9) As of tonight I will be re-starting an intensive workout program designed to roll me back to where I was about three years ago. I'll probably try again in another week or two. And then again some time after that. Mmmm, I made some really good chocolate ice cream last night. Perhaps I'll have some of that and watch a movie instead. I like this plan.

10) I'm currently in the process of redefining myself and my spirituality. It's a very interesting experience, thinking for yourself. I'd recommend it to some.

11) I very much hope to someday soon be an expatriate. In the good sense.

12) I love movies almost as much as I love books. I own hundreds. The first child that I have with my wife has been promised to Netflix. Watching the Oscars is very nearly a religious experience for me. Slumdog ftw!

13) I generally don't watch TV. The only time I'll consciously tune in to any show is Monday nights at 8 (CST) on NBC. Otherwise I'll wait until it's out on Netflix.

14) I'm extremely self-deprecating. I dunno. I'm kinda glad that my head isn't so large that it has its own weather system or gravitational pull. Those things are very off-putting for me. I am, however, beginning to allow myself just a little pride.

15) I'm hopelessly and irrevocably a cat person.

16) I don't like dropping bombs. I'm a relatively non-confrontational and peace-loving person, and I have little need to carry around a measuring tape.

17) I'm beginning to find out who my friends are.

18) I'm somewhat nervous that I'm going to say "lol" out loud in normal conversation. I'm online way too much.

19) I can't think of anything for number 19.

20) Last spring I quit a job where I was making roughly 4 times what I'm making now in order to pursue a dream. Yeah, that's working out real well so far. But the point of this is that I am impulsive and I have no problems doing somewhat stupid things if it means potentially making me happy. I still don't regret my decision, but I do miss the paychecks.

21) I love getting things in the mail. I just ordered a few things from Amazon.com and made three separate orders just so I could get three packages (free shipping ftw!).

22) I know what I want to be when I grow up. I just don't know HOW to be it.

23) My mom used to tell me that she wouldn't know that I had written anything until she saw my name on a book cover or in the credits of a movie. That's ridiculous. If I am ever published I plan to do so under a pseudonym and not tell anyone.

24) I have a plant that has been in my room for 25 years (it was in my nursery, so it is potentially older than I am). It is a Philodendron and her name is Evelyn. I also have an Aloe vera named Spartacus (who has had literally hundreds of children and survived two cats and a nasty incident involving an unsteady table) and a Peace Lily named Eleanor, after my grandmother who gave me the cutting. I also have a Christmas cactus, but it currently lives at my parent's house and I never got around to naming it.

25) This is how old I am. I know I'm not that old, but when you live with a bunch of people born in 1990 who act like they were born in 1995 then you start to feel somewhat on the aged side. Especially when I was the young one for the first 23 years of my life. It's a strange feeling.

This was fun.

friday the 13th... (fixed)

       happy friday! ok, so i owe you a few of those. yeeeahhh... i'm a bad updater. we all knew this. so get this: i was on my way to the candy factory today because they called me a while back and asked me to work there for the crazy busy week (their busiest season), and a black kitty ran across the road. i said hello, but he didn't answer. he was busy; being friday the 13th and all, he probably had lots of paths to cross today. no bad luck, though. if anything, kitties are good luck, i think. the egyptians had the right idea. i thought it was pretty funny, though. but my oh my the last few days have been exhausting! i have been making all of the white chocolate strawberries this year. mine are the prettiest, though. and as thoroughly exhausting as twelve-hour days are, i figured out that i made more today alone than well over a week at my current job. i took the week off from there, by the way, to do the strawberries, but i had to promise my manager i'd bring her some. surprisingly, it's been good to be back and see everyone, but it's been horribly mind-numbing enough to not make me miss it too much (aside from the paychecks ). ah well. right now i'm relaxing with ice cream cake from coldstone (chocolate raspberry truffle!--i was hungry for chocolate--i can't really eat the stuff at the candy factory, not that it's not available, but after being there for so long it doesn't really do it for me) and watching a movie and putting off all the billions of emails i have to write. important ones, too, but i can't get my mind right...

       anyway, i'll leave you with a funny my dad sent me:

After a two year loan to the United States,

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy . . .  

       how sad. and true. happy weekend, all! i'd wish you all a happy you-know-what, but i still hate the derned day. glad i'm working. mhmm. later taters!

monday morning ramblings...

       i've been trying to write a post for the last couple weeks, but it seems like it just doesn't want to be written. kinda frustrated about that, but whatever. superbowl was yesterday and, as usual, i watched it for the commercials. i actually had a team to cheer for, though—usually it's just an arbitrary choice or i cheer for whomever everyone else is cheering for, but my choice this time came from my dad. when i was little he used to take business trips all over the world to visit their various customers and aid them in installations of his company's software (he's a programmer, or was—he's with the same company and he doesn't take trips anymore, but i'm not sure what he does now). but everywhere he went he would bring back some souvenirs for my little brother and me. he went to pittsburgh a couple times, though, and he's a football nutter, so invariably he'd bring home steeler's memorabilia. no, i didn't have any of it here to wear, but i was wearing it in spirit—a throwback to when times were simpler and when my dad would bring me things because he was thinking of me. so i was happy they won. and the commercials were funny.

       my parents were here for the weekend, actually. well, saturday night/sunday morning. just to visit. it was nice. they took me shopping (yay groceries!) and i got to explain why i'm cutting out red meats (and they actually took me seriously). they took me to church sunday morning, though, which was interesting. i haven't been since the beginning of december, so of course everyone there jumped on me, which was nice in a way. i always feel bad, though. i really do love those people. one guy who's only a few years older than me and used to be the pastor was particularly emotional. we're pretty good friends, but not really outside of church. he's been trying to get hold of me over the last couple weeks and i've been shamefully but purposefully avoiding him. i can't really do that anymore, though. i think i might have to be honest with him, which i'm scared as hell about. i want to run it past brandon first, since he also knows the guy, but he's in thailand and of no use for the next week and a half. he's promised to bring me back recipes, though! anyway. church is a very, very difficult topic for me to discuss. i hate thinking about it and the choices i'm going to have to make in the near future. well, i know what choice i'm going to make, but it's going to suck (and in a bad way). oknewtopic.

       hmm... i can't remember what else i was going to talk about now. my computer's back up and running. had to reformat, so it's been fun trying to get everything back together again. and it actually has been fun. i had some backup discs that i'd forgotten about and i'm finding things from several years ago that i'd forgotten i had. some pictures, some old (and terrible) stories, other random things. i didn't lose as much as i thought, so i'm happy about that. still lost a lot of music, though. i've been borrowing everyone's cds and copying them over, and my bittorrents have been going non-stop. give me suggestions, though... what's your favorite music? favorite bands? i need ideas, people... i need … lists! especially obscure things that i might not think of right away. the gems, you know? the only things i don't like are rap, death metal (i have a rule that i have to be able to understand most of the words the first time through), and i'm none too keen on country (because i still can't understand half of what they're singing, lol). my favorite bands are lifehouse, coldplay, snow patrol, and muse, so that kinda gives you an idea, but i like just about everything, and especially love to try new things. so yeah... proceed. thanks!

       ok, i need to start getting ready for work now. happy monday to all, and if you've already had your monday i hope it went well and have a splendid tuesday. later taters.

the blue screen of death...

       somewhere in the last few days i managed to pick up a nasty computer virus. a trojan, to be a little more specific. i soon found that trying to take care of it with the usual spybot and adaware were not quite enough, so i downloaded another program made for removal of the specific trojan that was infecting the wonderful computer that is my life. this new program worked a little too well. it rooted out all of the infected files (which were many), but unfortunately some of these infected files were necessary for the proper function of said life-giving computer. and it crashed. completely. apparently it lost windows. lol. couldn't find it? i'm not sure. so i reinstalled. when i logged in i found that i had lost everything. everything. all of my music (somewhere around 4,000 songs), all of my digital sheet music, all of my stories, all of my random notes, all of my school work, all of my research, all of my programs ... the list goes on. but i miss the music the most. so i'm currently installing updates and upgrades and drivers up the wazoo. oy. i want to cry now. i hate computers. but i can't live without them.

monday monkeyshine...

       it's been a while. a whole week, in fact. after that little posting spree over the break i figured the momentum would take me well into the semester, but i'd forgotten exactly how busy things get around here when the house is full. it's been interesting. being a bit reclusive, but it hasn't been a bad thing. i should get out tonight. i'll do a regular post sometime here, but for now, here's a funny from my dad...

a blonde goes back to work after thirty years...

before the pain begins...

my mother sent me this one.

The moment just before the pain begins...

 

       i promise i mean nothing at all by it, indeed i'm usually one to wait to see what happens before passing judgment, but i still thought it was pretty funny. happy inauguration day!

sunday silly...

another from my dad... enjoy.

Two Little Old Ladies

 

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in  progress. The thin one  leaned over and  said, "Life is so boring.  We never have any fun any more.  For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the  other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked  (as fast as an old lady can)  through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked  old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

do you play any musical instruments? what do you play?

       many of you who have read this blog in the past know that i play a few instruments. the whole "mercurialmusic" screen name thing might also be a clue, but you never know. anyway, i'll admit that in a way i'm whoring myself out with this post because i'm trying to increase my post count for the reason that that tiny little "true" badge would look damn good next to my name. anyway, on with the answer: yes, i play musical instruments. i've had formal training with the piano on and off since i was around five years old, with teachers ranging from my grandmother to a semiprofessional teacher during high school to performance courses during my freshman year in college for work toward my music minor. whilst i was still in high school, my little brother was coerced by my parents to learn an instrument; he chose the guitar. when he began to give up after a handful of lessons i happily relieved him of his musical burden and proceeded (extremely slowly) to learn on my own. being busy and having sensitive fingertips i also postponed my guitar study until a year ago when my parents purchased a beautiful new fender acoustic/electric for my christmas present. progress has remained slow, but the fingertips are no longer a problem because i have wicked callouses from picking up the violin during my freshman year in college (and let me tell you, violin strings are much worse). i'd always wanted to learn violin and a girl in my dorm (who played violin) had always wanted to learn piano, so we exchanged lessons. that didn't go very far (i've since taught others with varying success), but during my sophomore year (now at a different college) i purchased a violin (the loan on which was greater than the loan on my car ) and completed two semesters of study at the music/arts institute of independence under marc abelson, a violinist for both the trans-siberian orchestra and (def leppard? i'll have to check this, but i'm too tired now to remember which band it was -- for some reason pink floyd also comes to mind). during my junior year in college i received some lessons on the drums (didn't take too well to the set but i was killer on the practice pad ) from a former university of missouri drum major. less traditionally considered an instrument, but my most favorite of all of them, is voice. i'd always been in choirs throughout school and even sang in the church choir (with a few solos, i might add), but i finally worked up the nerve to ask for formal training during high school. i began under a qualified teacher at the school, but he didn't quite understand my voice (once upon a time i had a three octave range -- my keyboard has five) so i was referred to dr. ican'trememberhisname at william jewell college (fine arts college in the kansas city area), and at $60 a pop his lessons were well worth it. i've sung in six different languages (that i can think of), but my favorite song that i did for him (and the best, in my opinion) was "music of the night." no, tasty, i won't sing it for you. from there i received a full-ride scholarship for voice and academics to columbia college (you're thinking of columbia university), a private school about 4 blocks away from where i'm sitting now. and in my rambling and much-too-long way, i believe i've just answered that question.   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

trying something new...

       so i've recently become a fan of writing challenges thanks to this guy. if you do not approve, please blame him, but if you do, it was all my idea. i figured this boring little blog could use a little revitalization after 5 years, though, so i'm going to try it. this is the current challenge and my first attempt:

A writing challenge from Kween_of_the_Queens!

I want you to all list 25 things that you have a positive attitude about. Sounds hard? Just think of all the things you have in your every day life that you can be positive about....yes, even the hard times! Here's to hoping your 2009 starts out on a positive note!

---

a list! i don't think i've ever done one before... yes... i can do this. it'd be good for me, too, eternal optimist that i am. yes, i can hear you scoffing. stop that.

i am positive about:

• making new friends. i am quiet and usually don't have a whole lot to say, and when i do have something to say i often fumble the words quite spectacularly (my mouth can never keep up with my brain). despite this, a few people still think i'm interesting enough to get to know, even if it's the same kind of interesting as a car accident on the interstate. i also can't recall an instance where i've ever failed to make a new friend when i set my mind to it.
• cooking. it soothes me, even when i'm in a cooking frenzy. i love working with my hands to create something for others (and myself on occasion) to enjoy. i may be humble about it, but i know when i've made something good. i've actually recently heard about an open chef's position at one of my favorite local restaurants, sophia's. they don't require a lot of previous experience, and i think i'm going to try for it. wish me luck!
• my pianoing. yes, i know that's not a word. and yes, i'm fully aware that this is becoming a list of things i'm confident about, but they are somewhat linked and it's my list so you can take your negativity and... make it go away. this is a positive post. i may not be awesome at piano, but i'm not bad. i love it, actually. my second piano teacher once told me, "you can play anything you set your mind to. just take it one note at a time." and i can. i'm almost finished with butterflies and hurricanes. stupid solo arpeggios. they're killer.
• writing my book. i'm going to finish it along with several others. i have to.
• creating a new life. i don't mean kids, but maybe... someday? who knows. i mean getting out of columbia, getting out of missouri, and possibly/hopefully/maybe getting out of the states. i mean having a life surrounded by those whom i love who might occasionally deign to love me back. i want to be in a place where i don't have to be afraid of who i am and a place where i'm not alone, where i'm happy to wake up to a new day and able to fall asleep at night. a (real-life) friend (i have a few) of mine, ami (i know, right? french word for "friend" here, people), recently became tired of my whining and has resolved to send me away, if only so she doesn't have to listen to me pine away anymore. i love her.
• finishing this list. i'm on number six and doing fine. may not write as much on the others, though. this is getting long. hehe.
• finally finishing school. eight years, my friends, and i'm going to be finished in a few months. yes, this was supposed to be a four-year degree. so what? i took a few breaks, some more extended than others, but i'm finally there, and i'm not as freaked out about the whole "life after college" thing as i used to be. i have hopes now. i have dreams!
• getting control of my fitness. i gain and lose more times than oprah, usually the results of my craziness, laziness, and my myriad of other issues combined with nervous breakdowns and my mad cooking skillz. the worst was a little over a year and a half ago, but i'm over it and now i'm getting back on track, quite literally. btw, myriad is a noun, not an adjective, see? the "of" is supposed to be there.
• the new house director being nice. i met her tonight for the first time. she seems very cool. *crosses fingers and toes*
• that this is going to be a good year. i may not yet get the changes i'm hoping for, but i will be working diligently for them. and yes, i may need a kick in the pants (or several) along the way. but i will get there. oh yes, i will get there.
• becoming better at violin. i stopped playing for a few reasons, one being my grandmother's passing, another being obnoxious roommates, and another being my own lack of confidence because i didn't seem to be improving. that will change.
• becoming better at guitar. i never really stopped -- just haven't been as diligent as i need to be.
• thirteen not being unlucky. folks, this is called filler. i have to come up with twenty-five of these stinking happy things!
• being positive. as much as i would like to be, i'm not always a "glass is half full" kind of person. i'm not really a "glass is half empty" person either, but i am more prone to moping about how the liquid in the glass isn't complete without its other half and how the glass itself is suffocating the liquid and how the ambient light of the room isn't hitting said liquid in exactly the right way for it to look and feel its best. oh yeah, and how the liquid itself is too fat. i'm positive that this will also change.
• dreaming. if you recall, this topic was mentioned briefly in bullet number seven. i have tried many times to give up on my dreams. quite unfortunately i was successful in doing so with perhaps my greatest. it actually hurts to think that i don't want it as much anymore, and it hurts even more to realize that i probably could have had it if i kept working at it. yes, part of me still wants it. anyway, i'm positive that i will not give up on my current dreams (see bullet four), even though i've tried almost as hard to give up on it as i did the first.
• all these silly daydreams becoming reality. related to the last but more specifically about bullet five. i'm sitting in front of my fireplace (great for the laptop, i know) and i keep getting lost in the flames. i know it's kinda cheating to say it again like this, but i really want nothing more at the moment.
• my little brother's marriage. i probably shouldn't mention it here, but i've been really worried about him. they married young and a little too quickly, and they have issues (like any couple, i suppose). but i've been really impressed with the way they seem to be working through them.
• not letting the fact that i'm twenty-five and have never been in a *serious* relationship get to me too much, even though most of my old friends and many of my current friends are in them. it'll happen when it happens. *shrugs*
• dang fire. it's too bewitching. i'm positive about being very cozy and warm right now despite the negative temperatures outside (no joke!). it's kinda wonderful, actually. and the bread in my oven smells really good.
• the new movies i got for christmas. i absolutely love movies. love can't be emphasized enough, but it'd be a little silly if i really did emphasize it like i ought to. just imagine the underlines and the circles and the arrows pointing to love in that sentence. i even got a book/movie combo of "howl's moving castle." yup. be jealous.
• harry potter and the half-blood prince being released in u.s. theaters on july 17th. because if they move it again, heads will roll.
• the little stuffed black sheep that jordan bought for me. she knows me too well. we named him "eunique" because he's a eunuch (we looked) and also unique (black sheep).
• trying to be a better person. i've been allowing myself to molder a little too much.
• this movie i'm about to watch being awesome. "son of rambow." it's been recommended by about fifty bajillion people and i'm finally sitting down to watch it, old lady cross-stitch in hand.
• my life, past, present, and future. this is bullet twenty-five, i'm twenty-five years old, and i'm determined to be positive about all of the years i've had and all of the years still to come.

eunique says "mooo"
(he's a confused little sheep)

friday funny...

my parents are the biggest e-mail forwarding fiends. mom's are usually cutesy, dad's are usually humorous. thought i'd share.

Life's Lesson #45893: Always check your child's homework -- before it goes to school!

Note sent to the teacher the next school day with the 1st grader:

Dear Ms. Jones,

That is NOT me pole-dancing onstage in some strip joint!
I work at Home Depot and that's me selling a shovel.

(signed) Mrs. Smith

the knowledge button...

       i think it's starting to qualify as "kicking a dead horse" by repeatedly timestamping that last post. ok, i only did it twice. tasty was kind enough to recommend it after i'd complained to him about it, but i got 33 views on it and i think it has gone as far as it can. it seems like such an arbitrary little question, but i was genuinely curious: if there were a button (we can even pretend that it's shiny and red) that when pushed would tell you beyond a doubt whether God exists or not, would you push it? i can't judge from only five comments, but i'm not surprised that each of them said yes, they'd push the button, and the unanimous reasoning (thus far) would have been the overwhelming curiosity, whether it changed their life or no. i think most people would answer the exact same way. my sincere thanks, by the way, to all who participated, but what i was really hoping was for someone to say no, they wouldn't push it. because i don't think i would. that was my instinctual reaction when i was first asked the question (probably a year ago now), and it remains thusly. to be honest, i'm not entirely sure why. don't get me wrong, i'm all about seeking out the truth. part of me really wants to know. but i think it's the part of me that values the journey over the destination that would refrain. it's like reading the last chapter of a book first (which is a terrible crime that should be punishable by the perpetrator being drawn and quartered -- oh, how i miss the old punishments). you do that and you miss out on all the fun -- all the fear and doubt and speculation, all the struggles to find the meaning of life -- indeed, many of the things that make us human. it's a very safe feeling to know where you're going, and as an introvert i normally cling to that very tightly, but it's so exciting to not. what do you think?

qotd...

       i don't do questions very often, but i thought i'd give this one a shot...

       assume you know nothing, but your life and experiences remain (please note the difference between knowledge and beliefs -- i know this can be a difficult concept for people on both sides of the theological spectrum). but if you could push a button and discover beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not God exists, would you push it? why or why not?

my xanga biography...

This post was inspired by bella_esperanza, by way of TheTheologiansCafe.

Xanga Username: mercurialmusic (had a girlfriend at the time who was mercurialpoet, mercurial meaning "unpredictably changeable," and at the time I was a music minor on a rather large music scholarship for voice). I also have accounts under the names ad_lucem ("to the light"), used primarily for random churchy stuff (back when I was more involved in such things); tenebra_ruo ("the fall of darkness"), where I've posted my short stories, poems, and chapters of my book (currently all privated, I think, but I'm seriously considering a comeback); and nonne_macescis ("have you lost weight?" -- i think), a now defunct fitlog that I used back when I had a body -- definitely need to start that one up again.

Xanga Birthdate: 7th December 2003 for this one, 27th December 2004 for ad_lucem, 6th December 2005 for tenebra_ruo, and 6th March 2006 for nonne_macescis. What's with all the Decembers?

Xanga "Statuses": I'm just a regular old "Premium." Made a lot of progress recently towards "True" status, though. Haha.

Xanga Profile Picture: I think the default right now is of me in a skull cap, taken about two years ago in winter, in my room, before I had my little episode and gained 40 pounds (I only had 25 to go, but the holidays set me back 5 now -- I gain and lose weight fairly quickly when I really work at it). Most people thought I was spinning in a chair, but I just used a basic photo editor and blurred the edges. Haha. I have several profile pics but I only rotate through a few, the others being a picture I took of my keyboard, solarized, with "mercurialmusic" embossed in shiny white letters on the A♯/B♭, and the other most common is of me sitting at my desk, bookshelf in the background, with a "chalk effect" to make it blurry because, let's face it, with my face I need it. All are in black and white because with my face I need it. Hey, just being honest. Except you do miss out on my eyes. They're the only thing I really like about me, green, blue, and yellow.

First Xanga Friend: I subscribed to the first Xanga blog I ever visited, which was Nanny, but my second subscription and the first xanga friend that I had any real interaction with was Jyoseph (now at his own domain here). Man, those were the days. He had the Best. Site. Ever. No joke. Remember the old NES control pad navigation complete with sound effects? Awesome. He lives about two hours from me, I've visited his city (St. Louis) many times, but alas, we never did meet.

Subsequent Xanga Friends: Other than my friends IRL, the next were YouWantMyPhoneNumberSoBad, TJThunderball, and the_greatest_pip (well, technically I discovered Handi_411 first, but Matt's the one I became friends with).

Xanga BFFs: There have been several over the years that could fit in this category, but the closest and most enduring would probably be moss_icon, the_greatest_pip, and YouWantMyPhoneNumberSoBad.

Xanga Family: It's a shame (and somewhat a relief), but to my knowledge none of my family members are Xangans. If you're reading this, though, you are my Xanga family.

Other Xanga Pals: Everyone else!

Xanga Likes: I've met some truly amazing people here, not the least of which are the three mentioned under "Xanga BFFs." It's also opened me up to some very ...erm... interesting perspectives. Xanga has been my support group, my shoulder to cry on, my friends to laugh with, a portal of some pretty fantastic conversations/discussions/debates/thought-provoking ideas. I can come here and be myself (ironically). I really do love this place.

Xanga Dislikes: Kinda sad that few (if any) of my real-life friends are on Xanga anymore. Not a fan of all the drama, but sometimes it's good for a laugh. And I hate that Xanga isn't very Firefox friendly. Psh.

Official Xanga Achievements: Absolutely none. I've never been featured, I don't think I've ever received more than 10 unique comments on a post (and that's a stretch), and I've never been recommended (to my knowledge).

Unofficial Xanga Achievements: I think I was first commentor once on TheTheologiansCafe. Haha.

Recommending Habit: I've only recently started using recommendations, but I'll recommend posts that I think are particularly well-written or that have some significance or that would hold wide-spread interest.

Commenting Habit: I'm horrible about commenting. Getting better, though. I'll always carefully read the posts of my close friends and I'll often peruse the featured blogs and of course my subscriptions (but I'm subscribed to a lot of people), but if you get a comment from me you should feel pretty special. Or something. I dunno. I don't always have intelligent things to say. Not that my comments are intelligent.

Timestamping: I've done a few times, but never for the sake of getting pushed to the tops of lists. My blog is more like a journal or diary, so I generally try to preserve the original posts. Perhaps if I have something I'd want people to read I should do it more often? Don't usually have those, though.

Protected Posting: I used to do it quite a bit, but I've stopped caring as much. I would usually protect posts from the people I know in real life, but since they're generally not around anymore (and anyway they've all realized by now that I'm uber-emo) it doesn't matter as much. The posts on tenebra_ruo will always be protected, though.

Xanga Themes: I've had the same basic theme since they went to themes, but I'll change the color scheme with the seasons (more or less). I've been feeling the need for a redesign, though. May or may not happen. My artistic abilities are mostly performance based (acting, music, writing) as opposed to aesthetics (drawing, web-design, etc) so unless I have some help it probably won't happen. 

Xanga Pulse: I rarely post a Pulse. I usually leave these to my Facebook status.

Xanga Plugz: I'm not even sure what that is.

Xanga Hopes: I kinda wish Xanga could be what it used to, back in the glory days of Jyoseph and TJThunderball and the ilk. Lately it seems to be floundering a bit, but I think it'll get back to where it was, where people were more focused on the written word rather than the latest drunken pictures or how many friends or wall-posts someone has. Oh yes, I think we'll get there.

Random Fact: This is the first post I've done in several years that contained capital letters.

Last Words: This was the answer of bella_esperanza, and I thought it fitting so I left it (with some modifications): I love Xanga, no matter how many times I feel like leaving. And real life also comes a-calling. BUT the good friends bring me back. I don't think I could ever leave for good because of them. I may have had rocky moments on here, but Xanga rocks nonetheless.

You should do one of these, too.

epic cheesy success!!!

       i'm not sure which derogatory category i currently fit into, but for now i'm going to go with "nerd." forgive me for being one, but i just removed a three-pound wheel from my little makeshift cheese press and i'm pretty proud/excited/relieved. it's not perfect, but it still looks good. it's salted and wrapped in sterile bandages getting all happy and aged in the fridge, so i won't be able to taste it for another two weeks or so, but then i'll be able to slice it up, wax some of it for longer storage, and break off a hunk for myself. i'll let you know how it is. the pic on the left is my little press, made up of a very large stock pot, a #10 tin can with the ends cut out set atop an inverted glass plate to keep the cheese out of the pressed whey, a sterile "bandage," a mason jar with my mom's home-canned tomatoes (mmm), a box of paraffin for added force (which will later be used for waxing), and my rubber resistance tube. the curds are packed into the bandage and the cut-out ends of the can are placed on top of the curds to keep them in place. the rest is as you can see. the pic on the right is the finished wheel wrapped in a new bandage in front of another stock pot full of the whey. i started with 2.5 gallons -- 20 pounds -- of milk to get roughly 3 pounds of cheese -- the rest becomes whey, which i'll make into ricotta tomorrow (and raviolis on sunday! mmm...). sorry they're just cell-phone quality. i'm not rich enough to have a decent digital camera yet.

           

       what else am i going to do with my friday night, eh?  ah, well... someday i might be lucky enough to be able to write one of those "100 reasons" posts...  anyway, more later. getting sleepy. later taters!

epic cheesy fail...

       hmph. i was so confident in my kitchen abilities. now i'm worried because i usually take these things a little too far and become obsessive about mastering it. it becomes a challenge, you see. i did it with chocolate chip cookies. i used to make the crappiest chocolate chip cookies imaginable. oh, they were horrible. no idea why -- i'd always follow the instructions. then i became frustrated with it and made dozens of batches of the little buggers until i got it right. that was somewhere around early high school or so. now i make some of the best chocolate chip cookies that i've ever had, using the exact same nestle tollhouse recipe. it's silly, but i'm proud of them. we won't talk about chocolate fudge. i can make a mean fudge, but the perfect fudge remains my greatest culinary rival. i suppose that's what makes me a decent cook, though -- that perseverance. but yes, my cheese failed. or i failed my cheese. haha. and i think i know what i did wrong. but my milk ended up clabbering (souring) instead of setting. so i can't even make a ricotta out of it. pfft. two-and-a-half gallons of milk wasted. yes, i'm going to try again tomorrow.

       as i was writing the above paragraph i couldn't help but smile a little. perseverance. that's the answer rowling gave in response to the many requests for writing advice (as many aspiring writers tend to plague their heroes with such questions). that's all she said, just the one word, "persevere." and as i was rambling about my cheese and how i learned to cook, it struck me that failure is how i learn to persevere in my cooking and how i ultimately overcome the culinary obstacles that arise. the truth is, i've never failed at being a writer because i've never really tried. sure, i've written a couple crappy short stories for classes, but when it comes to what i really want to write, my novels, i'm so frightened of failure that i hardly give it a real shot. kind of ironic when in context with my cooking. *sigh* now if only i can get that through my head that failure can be an impetus of success. perhaps i should try to fail. i don't mean that i should sabotage myself -- i just need to give myself the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. because when it comes to it, the greatest failure is to never have tried in the first place. (hmm, that'd be a cool quote, but i bet someone else said it already.)

       ok, it's late. i can't keep doing these late nights. big day tomorrow. have to renew my food handler's permit, give plasma, retry my cheese, and write! take care....

my scariest nightmare - the uninvited contest

       hmm... i'd have to say that my scariest nightmare was when, in my dream, i woke up in columbia, missouri for more or less the 2700th time and i discovered that i had quit my full-time job at a chocolate factory that payed *beautifully* and was working for minimum wage at a sandwich shop in hopes of having more time to write, only to discover that i couldn't come up with anything decent to write! gah!! oh yeah, and instead of being one of the youngest people around i'm now the oldest! and i was still in college!   .....in my nightmare. yes.

I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

butterflies and hurricanes reprise...

       finally got my hands on a copy of the sheet music for "butterflies and hurricanes" (see "my tunes" on the right side of the page). it's hard enough without trying to play by ear and/or learning by watching people play it on youtube. i've never been a great sight reader -- i usually just try to memorize it from the pages and go from there, but getting the music has made the learning process so much simpler and faster. it's a good arrangement, too, so i played with that for a bit tonight. starting to sound almost like a song.

       i've had a lot of time on my hands recently. got back from kansas city the weekend after christmas and went into work to see what my schedule was. she didn't schedule me at all last week, and nothing again this week. college towns pretty much die during breaks. kinda sucks, especially after i spent all my money on christmas. heh. so i've been being a bum, reading a lot, watching a lot of movies, playing piano, waiting for my rennet tablets to come so i can make cheese, etc. with the house empty it's been pretty trying, and the emotional roller coasters have been at it again. i've suspected for a long while (and my closest friends have, too) that i'm a little bipolar. i've handled it well enough, some times better than others, and over the few years i've been able to manage it with some natural therapies that were recommended by others who've been there. stopped taking those early last spring, but it might be time again. my swings over the last week have been some of the worst i can remember. just the swings, mind you, not necessarily the extremity of them, but nonetheless it's probably good that there isn't anyone around to witness it. my head has been spinning with all the back and forth, i've not been sleeping... eh. no good. and from the lack of sleep i've developed this really annoying eyelid twitch. ack. stimulating the creativity helps, though, with the movies and books and such. helps the mood, not the twitch. don't laugh, but i've also been doing a free-hand cross-stitch while watching the movies. i sound like a grandma. it's a cool design, though, the mu logo of the big "M" with a tiger head in the middle, and i've been working on it on and off (mostly off) for the past two years. it's huge for a cross-stitch, 14-inches square, or somewhere in the vicinity of 127,000 stitches. ok, i'll stop talking about my girlie habits. piss. spit. beer. football. that oughta do it.

       i have wrinkles on my fingers.

       watched "reprise" this afternoon after giving plasma. well, sorta giving plasma. the machine malfunctioned during the first cycle and the red blood cell reservoir overfilled (no overflow, thank goodness), so they had to take me off. still got paid the full amount, which was nice, and i got all my rbcs back. anyway: movie. made in norway, about two writer friends and the insanity that often plagues writers. oscar candidate as best foreign film in 2006. i really liked it, but it's one of those that my friends probably wouldn't (really sucks being the only person i know -- in person, at least -- who's anything like me). really made me want to write, though. but i feel like the character in the film who is back from the mental institution and isn't able to write anymore. and i know it's just a movie, but it kinda stung that these guys were twenty-three and getting their first and second novels published. the book i finished this weekend, pillars of the earth (freaking awesome and highly recommended), also has characters that were successful at young ages. i still want to be a writer. i still want to be lots of things. i know i'm nowhere near old yet, but every week that passes spent working at dead end jobs or silently going mad in my room makes it feel less possible. ok, ok, rowling was 32, but it also took her six or seven years to write the first, which means she was close to my age when she started. heh...that's a strange thought. but i definitely have no great ideas in mind.

       damn eye won't stop twitching.

       after midnight now. i should probably try to sleep, but i have a feeling i won't. last few nights i've been sleeping on my futon in my living room. no real reason. i do that sometimes when i'm going crazy, but this is a step up because i usually end up on the floor. it's been kinda nice, though, because i've recently been having these dreams that i was in another life. *sigh* then i wake up. to sleep, perchance to dream... hmm. ok, i'm off, but before i go, apparently david holds the copyright on using lyrics at the ends of posts (i'm still claiming the titles), so i have to attribute the use of the following to him, but the lyrics themselves are, of course, from the rock gods of muse.

"change everything you are and everything you were -- your number has been called. fights and battles have begun, revenge will surely come; your hard times are ahead."

quesopathy...

       so i've been on this weird homemade kick. i started making my own bread a little over a year ago to save a few pennies and up the healthiness level. took me a while to really get started with it, but i haven't purchased a loaf of bread in about eight months now. then this semester i started making my own jams. it's not really saving any money to do that (about the same price unless i'm able to pick the berries out of our garden, but i usually just buy them frozen), but it is fun and this way i also know exactly what goes in my jam. now i'm about to add another staple to my list of homemade products and i'm a little nervous about it, but it will be awesome if it turns out: i'm making cheese. i'm starting out with a basic hard white cheese that will be similar in taste to mozzarella but about the texture of a cheddar. i know i'm a nerd, but i'm really excited. i have all the stuff i need except for the rennet enzymes that should arrive near the end of this week or the beginning of next, but even after i make it it'll take about two weeks before it will be ready to eat. the cost is also about the same, maybe a little cheaper -- it takes a gallon of milk to make a pound of cheese, but you also need a little plain yogurt (for the bacterial cultures) and then the rennet enzymes (which are super-cheap -- these "digest" the protein and form the curds). anyway, it doesn't look terribly difficult, especially if you know your way around a kitchen, so if anyone wants to try it out, click here for the recipes and methods i'm using. i remember you guys in japan saying that you miss cheese, so if you're feeling ambitious you should give it a try.

       walked to wally world tonight. i stole a shopping cart again, but i didn't get very far before i decided i was being bad. so i carried the 30+ pounds of groceries the two miles (uphill!)back to the house. hey, it's hard work for a fat boy. but i needed a few raw materials for the cheese and parts for the cheese press along with a few other randoms. one of the things i needed for the press is a large rubber band, so i killed two birds with one stone and bought a few of those exercise resistance tubes. now i can make cheese and restart that p90x workout thing. good workout. i need to do it, too. i still need to get one of those pull up bars that goes in the door frame. pull-ups on the door itself are a bit scary. yes, i tried it. thank goodness for metal door frames, but i'm sure you can imagine me trying to do a pull-up on a door while it's swinging back and forth. heh. tears up the hands, too.

       it was good to see everyone back at home. well, everyone that i saw. didn't see many. but it was very nice to be home, to be with family and open presents and relax. got to see brandon the other day. i'd link to his xanga but he shut it down a few years ago. i've missed him quite a bit, so it was really good to have some one-on-one time with him. we went to the mall and i spent $20 on lotions and hand-soap, but it's good stuff and my poor cracked hands need it. and if you laugh you'll feel how soft they are now when i'm punching you in the face. but he bought me an orange julius and we sat in the food court and got all caught up and watched people go by. except my life is so uninteresting that he had to carry most of the conversation. even on here i talk about cheese and going to wal-mart. it's no wonder people get bored with me.

        currently trying to figure out why i always screw up relationships. never fails. i'm becoming exceedingly efficient at it. if my face isn't scary enough, don't worry i'm also psychotic.