butterflies and hurricanes...

       so it wasn't goodby after all. haha. i knew i couldn't really stay away from here. missed my xanga b-day, though... 4 years. lol. wait... 5? i don't remember. wow. lots of ups and downs since, but what else is new? who could have guessed that figuring things out was such a process, though? wish i could say that i've made some progress. heck, i wish i could say i've even gone a step in the right direction. haven't a clue what that is anymore... thought i did, but... we'll see. i guess i still know what i want, but dreaming feels pretty foolish anymore. what do you guys think? is it ridiculous to hold on to dreams? when is the right time to put them away?

       winter break has come far too quickly, and people are filtering out of the house. well, more like wrestling for a place in line to get out the door. a month alone. i'm sure it'll go faster than i expect, and while i'll probably enjoy the quiet for a while, it does tend to get a little oppressive. i have things to keep me busy, though--i plan to finally finish this last class so i can get a job that pays a bit more than minimum wage; i also bought myself a piano book for christmas, music from the film score to "the hours" by philip glass. didn't really care for the movie, but it's probably my favorite soundtrack ever. super-awesome piano and strings. listen to it after a really long day and i promise you'll feel better. i still have a lot of books on the reading list. finished the third musashi this week--that series is quickly becoming a new favorite, thanks to david--and i've since picked up george orwell's "1984" because i'm tired of people saying, "you're an english major and you haven't read '1984'!?" fyi: we may be geniuses, but we don't have all the answers, and neither have we read every book that was ever printed. it's difficult enough to read our own material sometimes. i'm also going home for christmas. i was informed at thanksgiving that that trip was my second trip home this year. this will be my third and final. pretty sad, seeing how i'm two hours from home. should be a good christmas, though. anyway, the break is also bringing some changes. new house director at the l-house. i have an idea who it will be, but i'm not sure yet. hopefully the transition will be smooth. i have to admit, it's very nice to see that it's remaining open, at least for a little while. i'd like to think that my efforts had something to do with that, but i don't know. i was just a pebble in the lake.

       new song up. my favorite muse song, "butterflies and hurricanes." currently learning it on piano, which is definitely stretching my musical muscles. that rachmaninoff-esque piano solo in the middle is quite the doozy. all those arpeggios are pretty difficult to master, but i'm getting closer. i wish i could say i've been practicing guitar or even violin, but i haven't. the piano is my old crutch, i guess. i really don't know what i'd do without one, or at least one with easy access. but after 20 years of playing (20 years! it feels so strange to say i've been doing anything for 20 years!) i can sit down and not worry too much about where my fingers go. i have more confidence behind a keyboard. haha. both types. which brings me to something else i haven't been doing--writing. the most writing i've been doing is only in emails or on g-chat. that's something else i should do over the break... i've had a new story in mind for a while, but right now it's still a bunch of loose threads that don't quite match up. too much of a perfectionist and lacking too much confidence there, i'm afraid.

       still toeing the line between order and chaos, the light and the dark side, if you will. interesting, in a nerdy sorta way, because i'm currently playing "the force unleashed" for wii and i have to make that decision soon. =) i think i'll be good for the game (at least to start--i'll probably go back and try it the other way, too), but for life? heh. feeling a little like harry in order of the phoenix right now. yes, i identify with a fifteen year-old. a bit late, eh? really wondering what side i'll end up on, though....

       my path to the dark side has begun, though... wednesday evening, after sending ryan back to oklahoma, jordan and i decided to take a walk to wal-mart for a few random items. she and i have been trying lately to increase the calorie deficit. we've been mildly successful in carrying out our plans. but we decided to walk the appx. 4-mile (round-trip) through the snow and sub-freezing temperatures to get--chocolate and marhsmallows. the plan needs a little work, i know, but to be fair the chocolate wasn't all for us. anyway, we realized when we'd finished our shopping that we'd purchased too much stuff and that even if we had the energy to carry them, the bags probably wouldn't make it. so... we stole a shopping cart. and we pushed it home. through the snow. and as we were pushing the chocolate-laden cart up one of the snow and ice-covered hills, i remembered from my many years of pushing carts at hy-vee one of the design flaws with which shopping carts are cursed--they don't go through snow very well. yes, it would have been much easier to carry the bags, but instead we decided to carry a shopping cart. so if you happened to be driving down broadway somewhere around 8pm wednesday and saw two bums trying to carry a shopping cart up a hill, i hope you didn't feel too sorry for them--it was just us. it did wear me out, though. and i don't remember the last time i laughed that hard...

       mmm.... the long week is over. and what a week it was.... oy. just thinking about it hurts. but i got my paycheck, got my starbucks, and now i'm ready to melt into a quiet friday evening with mr. glass. no work next week and i couldn't be more excited for that. i've really enjoyed the snow, even though it all disappeared with the rain last night. kinda glad, though, because my shoes were getting really salty. the wal-mart run didn't help that, though. gotta watch out for the kicks. well, i'll probably be around to wish you all a merry christmas, but i'll do it early anyway. may you not procrastinate, but if you do may the lines part to let you through. may you find joy in hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. and may you be with the ones you love.... even if only in your heart. i love you guys... take care.

"don't let yourself down, don't let yourself go--your last chance has arrived. best, you've got to be the best--you've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard..."

open your eyes...

       "all this feels strange and untrue, and i won't waste a minute without you. my bones ache, my skin feels cold, and i'm getting so tired and so old. the anger swells in my guts and i won't feel these slices and cuts. i want so much to open our eyes 'cause i need you to look into mine. tell me that you'll open your eyes.

       get up, get out, get away from these liars, 'cause they don't get your soul or your fire. take my hand, knot your fingers through mine, and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time. every minute from this minute now we can do what we like anywhere. i want so much to open your eyes cause i need you to look into mine. tell me that you'll open your eyes.

       all this feels strange and untrue, and i won't waste a minute without you."

       gotta love snow patrol.

       this isn't exactly a goodbye post, but i don't know how much i'll be updating anymore. not that i did much of that anyway. but who knows what the future holds, eh? i love you guys. keep on keepin' on...

time is so short and i'm sure there must be something more...

       i wonder how many posts i've written from this place. double meanings aside, i'm sitting in my favorite library, ellis. favorite doesn't quite feel like the right word anymore. it's like a "same house, different people" type of thing. what made it special is long gone, even though that was never here at the library, i guess. maybe it's me--a different perspective, a different life. don't worry, it's not really making sense to me either. little does. kinda tired right now anyway--went to bed late, got up early. don't expect much of what you read here to make sense.

       long time no post, eh? you'd thank me for that if you knew what i would have posted. you'd probably thank me not to post this one either. let's catch you up to speed on the last couple months, though: hmm... don't remember most of it. i didn't sleep much, but it sure feels like i did a lot of sleep walking. some highlights, though--war with ryan in mid-september was a blast. some of the most fun i've had in a long time, even though i'm hopeless at it, as i am with most things. yeah, that's all i can remember of september at the moment. october brought the rcm olympics to columbia. i was roped into doing the cooking again, and this time for about 100 people. super duper crazy, but it was a good time. had lots of good help. or at least that's what i say in public places. ;) started working at a sandwich shop last week, which wich. i'll still eat there, so that's saying something. i get something very close to minimum wage and it's not at all what i want to be doing with my life, but i guess i don't have a f-ing clue about what's happening with that anyway so this works for now. at least it's something, but i'm still not terribly excited about that. nice people, though. that's about it. no solid plans for halloween yet, which means it will probably be just me and maybe one other carving pumpkins and... well, that'll probably be it. how about you? big parties? can i come?

       remember when it rained...

       i'm very much ready to be getting on with the next phase of my life. except i feel like i'm in one of those old mario levels of bowser's castle, where the screen moves forward and you have to keep up or... you lose. maybe that's not quite it. maybe it's more like those platforms that fall when you stand on them for too long. you have to jump to the next, but you can't see it or it's just a little farther than you can jump. and you wonder if it would be so bad if you just stayed on the one you're on and fell with it...

       unh. i shouldn't be thinking like this...

       i just realized that the titles of my public site show up blue in firefox but orange in explorer, at least on this computer (it's a mac--go figure). that doesn't make much sense. is it like that for any of you other firefox users out there? i don't remember what it looks like from my computer, but i don't remember having problems with it either. xanga isn't very firefox friendly. i always have to post a new ...er... post from ie or it doesn't look quite right.

       question for you guys. dave, don't answer, but i already know yours anyway. so that means i might get one answer, but oh well. seems like a silly question, but i'm asking anyway: what is love? (baby don't hurt me). heh. seriously, though... what is love? don't give me scripture. i know what that says. tell me what it means from your perspective, from your experience. what does it mean to love someone? and are there different kinds of love or is it all just ... love?  what do you think? part two of that question: is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? why?

       ok, that'll do. lunch with ryan, then back here for some writing (hopefully) and some reading. keep me in your prayers, please. you're in mine. yeah. later.

a quickie...

       people are starting to yell at me to update *glares at matt*, and i had every intention of doing so, but i'm not really feeling it. stressing out and mostly just being uber-emo. hiding it well enough, but i think i'm being kind of a jerk to people. i hate that. had a small taste of something the other night and it reminded me of everything i want and will probably never have. nothing else has changed either. heh. except my theme. it's very orange.

kame-hame-ha...

       sort of a drizzly day, not much over 60 degrees; the first hints of reds and yellows begin to show in the trees, and so summer slowly begins to melt into fall. i'm trying to jump ahead of schedule, i know, since the first day of fall isn't for another two and a half weeks, but today is the first that holds that buzzing energy and excitement for me, almost an electrical charge in the fingertips that makes me want to get into a fighting stance with palms out and yell, "kame-hame-ha!" half expecting something to happen. haha. yes, this is my favorite time of year. quite a pick-me-up, actually, from earlier in the day, before i stepped out for a walk downtown to the new plasma center. it was the sort of morning where i could feel no reason to get out of bed, then when i did finally get up i stayed in the shower, thinking, praying, for as long as i could stand it. there are a lot of things to figure out, lots of things that need to happen, big decisions to be made. more school? job? u.s. or elsewhere? i don't usually need plans, but this year has me on edge and i feel like i need to figure these things out before it's too late and the options are gone.

       the thing about options, though, is that there's always that chance of choosing the wrong one. part of me wants to stay here in the very familiar columbia and get an apartment with a couple friends and continue life as usual, but with that comes a fear of stagnancy. friends open me up, make me come alive, and frightening as that can be, it's sort of like a drug, and in experiencing part of that again i don't feel as inclined to leave. i lost ten pounds in the last month and a half, according to the scale at the plasma center, and i'd be very willing to bet that most of that was just within the last couple weeks since people have come back to the house (this was the first time i'd donated in that long). remember that forty pounds i gained after the mess of last year? i almost cried when i realized i was a step closer to normalcy, even if it's only superficial. but it's not just superficial. there's a sense of mystery in my mind again, only a whisper on the breeze for the moment and not quite a direction, but there's an excitement of creating something, like the sense of lightning before it strikes. potential energy. now if only i would allow myself to trust that, to use it. i'm still too wary, too nervous.

       my relationship with God is in a very strange place right now. i don't see him the same way i did a year ago. i'm thinking about leaving my church for a while, not permanently, but just to search for a broader perspective. i want to travel. i want to connect with people in different places. there are two holes in that, though (or at least two). first, that the world isn't that simple, and second, i'm not much for traveling by myself. hmm....

       well, i should get something done while i'm in the mood to do things. hope you're all having a good week!

donne fishing...

       wow. it's only been a little over a week and i'm already posting again. you three that read this maudlin blog shouldn't allow yourselves to become spoiled with such an overabundance of good writing. i assure you, there are others out there. but, to get on with it, the last week has been a week of ups and downs, seemingly like the many that preceded it. the high point for me was probably the continued forging of a new friendship with ryan, nearly seven years my junior, who also calls himself a writer and who has already succeeded in bringing out my inner nerd (not terribly difficult, though) through something called dagorhir. it's sword fighting (not real swords, unfortunately for the coolness factor, but fortunate because i tend to be rather attached to my limbs) and it rocks. i also had a birthday on tuesday, which was... another birthday. a quarter of a century. my, how far i've come (sarcasm, there, if you were wondering). it was a fairly lonely day, just until it was almost over. kyndal was gracious and made me some sweets, all while patiently fielding my grumpiness, then a few of us watched "love actually," which always cheers me up. i don't really remember the rest of the week, except for bits and pieces. most people went home or elsewhere for the holiday weekend, so it's been fairly quiet the last couple days. i was able to make love to the piano for about two hours straight on saturday, then eun jin and ho jong, two korean students here at the house, and i made beef bulgogi along with shrimp and cinnamon-chipotle eye of round for supper, which was amazing.

       a few started trickling back in today (or yesterday, sunday, now), and we took it easy with a night of movies. kyndal was over again and we watched "no reservations" (with wonderful music from philip glass), then i talked them into watching "wit," one of my personal favorites. i love that movie because it is very well written, very well acted, and has half a dozen layers of meaning while keeping things fairly simple but disguised cleverly with words. it's about death and the meaning of life, featuring john donne's tenth holy sonnet, but most importantly it's about faith. i think we take our faith for granted because, when it comes down to it, faith is all about saving us from death. and this college professor, who is so wrapped up in the paradoxes and arguments and trying to figure it all out, almost misses the point about what salvation and a hope for that salvation really is. it's about not fearing death, and a consolation that death is only a pause, a breath between this life and the next. but many of those who watched it were fairly rude about it, thinking it boring and ridiculous, with comments like, "is she dead yet?" floating around every few minutes. made me kinda upset, actually. this is one of the reasons why i don't want to be a writer. i love movies/books like that. they are the kinds of things i would write about, the things i think people need to hear, and most of the people there thought it was ridiculous. it makes the writing seem so pointless, like it would fall on deaf ears or blind eyes. i need to hope that not everyone is like that. i think it might do me some good to get out of columbia.

       prayers for aurora and her family, please. tough times. i was able to talk to her on the phone today for the first time, but i do wish it had been under better circumstances.

       well, i should get some sleep. my apartment is a mess. i'll clean tomorrow. busy day, though. hope you're all doing well.

square one...

       i'm finding once again that i'm no longer (or at least not currently) able to effectively express my feelings with the languages at my disposal, id est writing and music. the words fall flat and useless, incoherent and unorganized. the music is repetitive and old -- used a few too many times, the same old songs that i can play don't quite fit. listening to it isn't the same -- only a small comfort to the tune of "misery loves company." and the music ends, just like the words, and i find myself in the same place again. maybe some things can't be expressed -- only endured quietly, stoically, with a big smile for anyone that might accidentally look in my direction.

       poetry might fit a bit better, but most of mine sounds like something a wannabe emo might write in junior high. i've only ever liked a few poets.

       i should probably read, try to distract myself. i got the second musashi the other day. and "splendid suns" has been going well, or at least i like the writing, but the story is becoming depressing. the main character is a fairly unfortunate soul. she constantly faces disappointment. when it seems like she might get a break, like something might actually work out in her favor, it's ripped from her or it turns out completely different from what she was expecting. i identify a little too much. escapism has its flaws, though -- you can't escape from everything. some things are just a little too deep.

       sorry, yes, it's a return to emo posts. i hate posting these, which is usually why i don't post at all, but i needed some kind of emergency outlet. even if it doesn't do much, it's something. my apologies.

       expecto patronum.

       happy thoughts needed. well, a few good things have been happening. they're tied directly to what i'm feeling, but they're still things i should be happy about. everyone has moved into/back into the l-house. lots of sand volleyball and movie watching and late night talks. several new people at the house, and i'm quickly growing attached to many of these. that's part of the problem. brandon was also here yesterday and today (left this morning), so it was good to see him. went to shakespeare's (local pizza), played some more volleyball, then went back to the house and watched batman begins (there was someone there who hadn't seen it! so we watched it for her benefit).

       eh. happy thoughts aren't working. i've lost the desire to write, here or otherwise.

"years go by; will i still be waiting for somebody else to understand? years go by; if i'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head?
years go by; will i choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left? one more casualty..."

escape to switzerland...

       coldplay rocks my socks. so do wonderfully escapist books. especially those, and especially recently. it's been a while since i've been able to devote any significant amount of time to reading. while working at the candy factory i was lucky to be able to get something in during lunch, between bites, but within the past month or so i've had the privilege to indulge as much as i've wanted. in reality, though, it's been more of a need--something to keep me going--than an indulgence. and that's where i've spent most of my time, trying not to feel anything but what the characters experience. i read the twilight series twice before the final book came out aug. 2, in the space of about a week. those books are amazing. meyer has a flair for amazing characters. i also read her pseudo-sci-fi "the host," which was also quite good. i've been going through the potter series again (no, i have no idea how many times that will be now), and david got me hooked on eiji yoshikawa's "musashi." gotta love them samurai. seriously, he's cool. i'll be starting book two as soon as it arrives. currently reading khaled hosseini's sophomore bestseller, "a thousand splendid suns." i'm not getting into it as quickly as i did "kite runner," but i still like it so far. oh, and i'm keeping the netflix rolling in. i don't care if i'm penniless, some things are just more important than food. i could stand to lose a few anyway.

       i've always been somewhat of an escapist, taking refuge in my sometimes too vivid imagination. i like that word, "escapist." sounds better than to say that i'm running from my problems, but i suppose it's still all the same. i think i'm going to put that in my "about me" on facebook. i've been contemplating an exodus, though--from columbia, from my current life. change needs to happen. any cullens out there willing to help out? :) i've lived in columbia for seven years tomorrow, with an eighth on the way. this whole college thing has been quite an experience, and yes, it has taken me this long for a four year degree. i thought i'd have that finished a long time ago, but that's a huge story best left for another time. anyway, it's looking like december will be the official date. while many of my friends, including my little brother, are out there married, kids running around (or may be in the near future), i'm still figuring out what i'm going to be when i grow up. i'll be a quarter century old in less than two weeks. not old, i know, but it feels like something needs to happen yesterday. i want to get out and experience things, not be stuck in the middle of corn fields and bars for the rest of my life. i've thought about going to a dozen different places, some in the u.s., some not. i think i'd like to be abroad for a while. couple years, maybe more, maybe less. had an offer to teach english in korea, but they wanted me to go now and, tempting as that is, i speak no korean and i'm still not sure what's going on here.

       i was fired from my job. i know, right? i finally get one, seemingly the perfect one, especially for my purposes right now with wanting to write and all, and i'm fired three weeks in. they're allowing me to stay as head resident (can't beat free rent), but only on the condition that i "behave myself." which means i can't really discuss the details of it here. but i've never been fired before. i was written up at hy-vee once, while i was in high school, because i skipped a shift (that they didn't really need me for) to go on a date. :) my boss at the time thought it was funny--he was impressed, actually. but the whole "fired" thing was, and remains to be, a rather horrible situation. they're making some pretty huge changes at the house. needless to say, this is going to be a very interesting year (re: hell). i still don't know if i want to be here to see it. well, i don't, really, but i can't afford to move out. so i'm looking for a job. i'm trying to decide whether to give up writing for a while in favor of a job. i really don't want to.

       it has also been a very long summer. not as long as last summer, but still a little too quiet. i'm by no means a social butterfly, but i like to have company when it's convenient. ;) that's another thing about getting older, especially in a college town, because most of my friends my age (or near it) are gone, and the new people coming in don't age. the new ones are always 18. it blew me away when i realized that this year's freshman class was born in 1990. the oldest of my close friends here is actually younger than my little brother. haha. and i'm really not an ageist, but there are still fairly different perspectives and experiences there. it doesn't help that i've never met anyone (actually met, at least) quite like me. brandon was a complement, not a soul-kin, which is kinda what i need. i could use some good competition. :)

       so here i am at one of my favorite places, ellis library, pandora tuned to coldplay, snow patrol, and lifehouse (you know, my holy trinity of music), along with some muse, regina spektor, dido, evermore, incubus, and a few others for good measure. ooh, mcr just came on. nice. khaled hosseini, my blackberry, and a water bottle are at my left hand, and my thumb drive is in the usb. no idea what i'm doing. see if i can write something. ideas have been coming, lately, but they're mostly formless still. i have to pee, but i don't want to get up. and i'm tired because i don't sleep. couple nights this past week i actually didn't go to bed at all. ooh, dashboard confessional. i love pandora.

       someone please tell me you understood the title. preferably a guy. i hate being the only guy i know that likes twilight. then again, i'm the only guy i know that reads. rainy day. i love rain. ooh, take me away, dido. don't leave me for aeneas. "i will go down with this ship. i won't put my hands up in surrender." hmm. applicable? i hope not. eh. the will is overruled by the bladder. i'm rambling anyway. be well, my friends. see you next month?

boom goes the dynamite...

       i know perfectly well what the date is. 3 july. but still, for some reason, i couldn't figure out why my boss said she isn't coming in tomorrow. her grandbaby is due on saturday, so i just naturally assumed that she might be busy with her daughter. and yes, i knew that the fourth was coming up. the frats have been setting off fireworks for the last two weeks, for goodness' sake. i think i've been spending too much time in my own head, the only intelligent conversation being, of course, with the voices that speak to me there.

       so i don't think i announced it here yet, but the job i wanted -- director of this ill-fated and currently very empty house -- is mine. i went on the payroll tuesday and have a july-long transition period before i take over on the first of august. and i think i'm happy about it. i honestly didn't think i would get it, but apparently i did, so i hope that this is where i'm supposed to be. already there have been a few ... incidents. one potentially major. but we'll see what happens. there's a lot up in the air right now. i'm sure it will all work out.

       i was intending this to be a much longer post. but now that i'm here i'm feeling kinda tired and my bed is looking awfully inviting. i think i'll jump in. everyone go read the twilight series. it's amazing. happy fourth of july!

something blue...

       so my little brother is getting married in a matter of hours. it's been a long day of making preparations, rehearsing (mercifully only twice), and trying to appease bored and antsy toddlers. silly toddlers even made me split my blue jeans tonight. that was interesting. there was already a small hole in the place where the top of the back pocket is sewn on (yes, it was on my butt), but i was swinging little gabriel around and as i was picking him up again, my rock-hard glutes (if only) decided to bust through. i'm really not sure how--they're not tight jeans by any means. fortunately i had my man-purse handy and a quick repositioning avoided any embarrassment. this was also at the end of that part of the evening, so i was able to drive home quickly and change and get to the movie theater. yeah, we like to party it up. went to see "the happening." i generally really like shyamalan. before this movie, "the sixth sense" was my least favorite, but this one was just really terrible. it was short, had no point, almost melodramatic, and with precious little character development. zooey deschanel's big blues were almost redeeming. then i remembered that i paid $10 to see it. that makes for the second disappointment in movies i've wanted to see this season, on the heels of "crystal skull." plenty of others to look forward to still, though.

       an old friend that i haven't seen in a while is coming over tomorrow to watch a movie. he's also in the bridal party. of all my friends he's possibly the most like me, at least in personality, and i rarely see him. other than that time, though, i want the rest of the day to pass quickly in a blur. the quicker we get this thing over with the better. i am happy for my brother, but i don't think this marriage is going to be easy for them. they're way too young. but i'm wasted on worrying about it.

       got an email tonight that amazon has finally shipped my mario kart wii with wii wheel. i've been waiting on this thing for almost two months. i'm a very happy camper now. can't wait. yes, i'm a nerd.

       i should probably get some rest. tomorrow is going to be interesting and probably long. lots of bbq leftover from the rehearsal dinner, though. that's definitely a plus. hope you're all having a good night and a good weekend. please send your thoughts and prayers with the bride and groom, as well as with my car as i drive back to columbia on sunday. i barely made it back to kansas city last night. and david, i'm sorry if i freaked you out there. went a little overboard, perhaps.

       later.

breathing...

       i've been stutter-blogging a lot lately. you know, the whole starting a post and saying "forget it" about a paragraph in thing. well, that's the g-rated version, at least. but i've hardly been able to organize a single thought, much less an entire post, leaving me a chaotic jumble of expressionless emotion. thought i'd give it a touch of the dramatic just there. you know, it's been nearly two months since i quit my job. i'm kinda impressed that i've made it so far without having to crawl to my parents for help, but survival has been about my only accomplishment. my applications have been sort of put on hold while i wait to hear about the director job here at the l-house. our current director gave notice of her resignation during finals week. i applied with her reservational recommendation. it's not a difficult job by any means and i am qualified for it, but i know the board has some reservations with my age (though i don't feel it--even my hair is thinning) and i have fears that taking the job will perpetuate my "stuck" feeling. oh, and i don't belong to their particular denomination, so that doesn't help. but it would be the perfect job to support a struggling writer. and i'm already here.

       it's been pretty dull since the students have gone. i went with a few friends to the state track and field championships a few weeks ago, which were pretty cool. then last weekend i was in kansas city for a royals game (baseball) as a sort of church-friendly bachelor party for my little brother. got to see my cat. i've been hanging out some with a friend, kyndal, who happens to be a female, but don't get excited. i don't stand a chance. she's at a camp for the next month, too, so that leaves me with...well...me. now i do all right by myself, but the conversations in my head do tend to begin being spoken aloud. and nobody can always be happy when they're alone. definitely feeling stuck. faith has been slipping. that's nothing new, but it seems the velocity of the slippage is increasing. i guess everything feels a little sticky and messy when you're stuck. i think that will pass.

       still looking for motivation. getting a little desperate for it.

       music has been finding its way back into my life. it had been missing for a while. a long while. lifehouse and regina spektor and coldplay and snow patrol and dido with some philip glass thrown in for good measure. they've been bringing me back. they're my favorites for a reason, i guess. pandora has been amazing, too. i love that they play obscure but awesome music. well, obscure at least in america. i'm noticing that a lot of the awesomeness comes from the u.k.

       i kinda want to get a job just to save up money so on a whim i could move somewhere i've always wanted to go. start over.

"i'm finding my way back to sanity again, though i don't really know what i'm gonna do when i get there."

may my wrongs create no trouble

       i just had an interesting experience as i picked up my copy of "prince caspian." i've read it several times over the years, but when i turned the first few pages, it took me right back to the very first time i read it, under my covers with a flashlight. cliche, i know, but i thought i was being sneaky. i would have been in the third grade, so around 7 or 8 years old. seventeen years. that's how far i just traveled back in time. i'm way too young to be this nostalgic already.

       i'm having a very emo day. there have been a few of them over the past couple weeks since the house has emptied, but tonight i'm home in kansas city with my cat next to me and feeling fresh after a shower to get rid of all the grass clippings and bugginess that comes with spending 5 hours mowing your lawn (we're in the country). and i still can't quite shake it. matt's last post got to me, along with his most recent comment on my last post. i've known it and probably talked about it a few times, but i'm

but if not...

       i'm seriously sorry about that last entry. it was total bunk. haha. i can say that now because i was already paid the $5 to put it up and, as many of you know, i'm currently short a job so i took it. well, that's not really an excuse because that five dollars was paid in amazon.com gift certificates and went towards mario kart wii. i'm in love with the wii. (yeah, dave, i no longer need friends, either, just for that reason. ) i'm part of amazon's mechanical turk team of artificial artificial intelligence, which is pretty much a legal sweat shop, but it sounds almost kinda cool and it's fun and i put all my earnings (which now total a little less than $20 over a few months) towards toys. you should check it out if you have nothing better to do.

       so with my last real post, i received some rather good advice from dave and matt to not force the creativity. i'm not being facetious, it totally rocked. the weird thing is, i haven't written a dang thing since, but at the same time i've had more ideas running through my head than i can keep up with. the tricky part is trying to pick out the ones that won't shrivel up and die if they ever see daylight. the scary thing is that i think i've realized what this little fairy tale i've been writing for three years now needs. 80 pages written so far, and i don't think i can keep any of them, entirely. and the hard part is that these ideas often come in little incomplete clips and phrases, not even with characters, but ideas that i want to get across in the telling. but i've been reading a lot and keeping netflix busy with turnarounds. latest read was the alchemist by paulo coelho. it's similar to the little prince, which is one of my favorites, and it's about finding and pursuing your "personal legend." in other words, it gives you an excuse to dream. highly recommended. i've also been re-re-re-re-re-reading harry potter. and i'm falling in love with shakespeare again. next on the list is ian mcewan's atonement. i cheated and watched the movie first, but it was good. and i love the story of dunkirk. "but if not." that wasn't in the film, but i can't imagine that he would use dunkirk without thinking about that. (if you're not familiar with the story, go here and read about it. seriously, it's pretty cool.) i've been thinking about that, though. but if not. haha. there's a lot of bravery in those words, maybe even a lot of faith. i want to write, but if not... man, i'm not even sure how to finish that. i don't want there to be alternatives. that requires a lot of trust. God has been making me do loop-de-loops recently, but that's a post for another time. that's going to be a long one, too. coming soon. mwa ha ha.

       so i'm thinking about a masters in journalism. this coming from someone who has professed his hatred of journalistic writing for the last seven years (and gotten into some trouble for it). this should be interesting. anyway, i hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and out with friends instead of surfing the web on a friday evening/saturday morning. more later. take it easy.

<edit> disclaimer on that article link: i just googled "but not if" and that was the first relevant result. i'm only drawing your attention to the relevant first part of that post and am not commenting on or trying to state an opinion in regards to the remainder. </edit>

meeting people...

       hey all. so i'm not a terribly outgoing person, i know. sometimes it can be difficult to meet people because you're not sure where to go or the places you can go might not be entirely safe. but i've stumbled across this site called "crush or flush" that allows you to meet people in a fun and safe environment. it's an easy way to meet people, chat, and stay in contact with friends using your cell phone or your computer (PC or Mac). getting started is a no-brainer. first, upload your face pic, add a description, and create some tags that describe who you are (ex. booty shaking, being awesome, or kung fu master). you can get creative; express yourself. then that’s it, you’re profile is done and you can start crushin’ and flushin’ people. you browse people by gender, age, location, and interest (tags). if you find someone you like ‘crush’ them. If not, ‘flush’ them. don’t worry… they’ll never know you flushed them so no hard feelings. if you crush someone and they crush you back… that’s a Mutual Crush. you'll both get a text message letting you know that you both like each other. you can then text chat without giving up any of your personal info. no one ever gets your real name, cell phone number, or e-mail address. later on, if you want to exchange digits on your own, that’s your deal. ball’s always in your court. anyway, i think it's awesome.

a block of wood...

       it's kinda funny how much time i've spent writing over the last few weeks compared with how much i have to show for it. yeah, not much. kinda got carried away with one particular story that i have very little business writing. haha. getting kinda stuck with it. getting kinda stuck in general, wondering if this is what i should be doing, actually. i want it very much, but when it comes to it, i don't know if i have the talent for it. there's no sparkle. ever seen mr. magorium's wonder emporium? i love that movie. well, i'm the block of wood, stuck in the middle of my composition. writing's a tough business. creativity is tough. first of all, it's hard coming up with something from nothing, but then the chances of that nothing being something that hasn't been done a million times over are slim. i know, i'm being so eloquent right now, aren't i? yes, i'm being facetious. i think it'd be a little easier if i had a job or other source of income so i'm not worried so much about that. i'm still looking. and, yes, i'm very well aware of the fact that i quit my job to write, so there's no need to remind me. i'm not sorry that i did. just getting antsy. and frustrated that the block of wood might turn out to be just a block of wood after all.

       there isn't a whole lot else going on at the moment. the semester is almost over, so the house will soon be quiet. i'm trying to convince myself that that will be a good thing, but i will definitely miss having people around. my little brother will be here for about a month, but then he'll be going off to get married. that will be interesting. i don't think i've talked much about that on here. no, it doesn't really bother me (everyone keeps asking me that). i'm not jealous. sure, i wonder if i'm going to end up dying alone, but i wondered that before his engagement. i don't think i'm the only one who wonders that about me. but i'm not there yet. oh, i did enroll for an online course at the university. should be fun. this will be the last requirement for that degree that has now taken me seven years to complete. haha. or it will be seven years at the end of summer. seven's a good number. then i'll have a piece of paper saying that i can write. haha. or at least one that says i could write well enough to graduate from some college in the middle of nowhere. should come with some pretty high prestige there.

       i have been cooking a lot. made some awesome cookies the other day. two kinds. one was peanut butter, which is always yummy. the other was something new--an almond and cranberry puree rolled up in a heavy sugar-cookie dough with orange zest, so it kinda looks like a pinwheel when you cut out the cookies. they were so good. don't keep long, though. then tonight i covered snacks for our youth group (i hardly belong there anymore) with popcorn with light butter infused with rosemary, apples with caramel from scratch, and oreos. not bad. i also recently purchased an ice-cream maker attachment for my kitchenaid mixer, so i've made some good ice-creams, too. coffee and mint-chip have been my favorite so far. and no, i'm not eating much of it. i've actually lost weight since i quit the candy factory. haha. 

       well, i'm feeling like i should go read. i was surprised that jyoseph stopped by and said hello. i wonder how many of you remember him, from xanga's glory days before myspace and facebook. he was probably even bigger than the theologian back then. he and his wife recently had a baby boy, so you should go congratulate him at www.jyoseph.com. he's a cool guy.

       later, taters.

nuttier than squirrel poo...

       so i quit my job. wait a minute, didn't we just do all of this? oh right, well, we're doing it all again. so there i was, minding my own business... i'm two weeks into the new job and finishing up the training to take phone calls and pretend that i know anything at all about guns, which i don't. but, you know, i've been pretty busy and pretty tired. so i was minding my own business and enjoying the three day weekend afforded me from the shift from monday through friday training to my regular tuesday through saturday schedule, when suddenly i was hit yesterday with an uncontrollable urge to go crazy and do what i've been wanting to do for the last several years. it freaked me out. most of yesterday was a mild, sustained panic attack that lasted from about when i woke up to when i decided to quit my full-time job and look for something part-time to support my ink habit.

       i wish i could describe the feeling i had when i finally made that decision. i have been going crazy since at least last october because i hadn't written anything since spring break last year. but i feel ... elated. free. and it's about time. so here i go. probably one of the larger leaps of faith i've taken in a while. probably not the most responsible move, either. but hello, my name is chris, and i'm a writer.

       i promise to keep you updated. goodness knows i'll probably have enough down time. and i am already looking for a job. got an application today to be a cook. but i'm excited. and a little freaked out. wish me luck. and i hope you're all well. 

more changes...

       so i quit my job. well, not an angry "screw you" and walk out thing, as much as i may have wanted it to be. no, not really. i gave them my two weeks. i'd been fantasizing about doing that since around september, but i finally applied for (and acquired) another job so i'm able to eat every now and then. to be honest, i'm not expecting much out of the new job either, which might make all the difference. i'm feeling like i need to be pursuing my passions, though--doing something--so we'll see how long this one lasts before i get too stir crazy.

       of course now i'm getting all existential about it. wondering if i was supposed to be there. or what the purpose was of me being there. i suppose if i hadn't gotten the job at the candy factory i wouldn't have gone to this next one. or i wonder if there was something i missed there. i'm probably just thinking too much. i do that a lot.

       i'm excited to be going home this next weekend. it will be the first time since christmas. i bought several chocolate bunnies for the fam. haha. probably the last time i'll use my discount. i'm kinda anxious to see their faces, though. those bunnies are huge. i've made thousands of them over the last couple weeks. started a little short story about them, too. it's kinda cool seeing them all lined up. if i think of it, i'll take a picture of my rabbit army. a couple of them even look a little evil. pretty cool.

       well, my computer's about to die. hope you all have a good week. later.

hunger...

       what's the longest you've gone without eating? on the way to lunch the other day i was stopped on the sidewalk by a man named steve. steve was in his late fifties, or at least he looked like it, with several days' white stubble and deep creases all around his face, and it looked like he was wearing most of the clothes he owned. he was a little slow of speech, but he had a firm handshake and bright eyes. he asked me if i knew where a certain music club was. i didn't. said he was going to play the blues in his own special way--a way, he said, that i'd never heard before. he asked me to join him. i was hungry and in a slight hurry, so i declined his offer and told him why. he kinda gave me a funny look then asked, "what's the longest you've gone without eating?" i laughed because i didn't know what else to say and because i didn't quite catch the gravity of the situation. when i looked to him again, though, he was half-way down the street.

       one block down the road, at uprise bakery, i sat at the bar because the place was packed and it was the only spot with any elbow room (and, let's face it, i'm not one to get too close to strangers). just as the waitress brought my food--grilled cheese with mushroom and barley soup--a young woman three stools down spoke up: "is that the mushroom and barley soup?" i replied the affirmative. "that looks soo good," she said. i agreed. "my mom makes soup just like that," she continued. "i miss her--she's really cool. she's an amazing cook." we continued to chat between bites, she carrying much of the conversation. ok, pretty much all of it. i was interested, but still more interested in my lunch. she talked some more of her mother and of food, then we spoke a little about film. there had been a film festival in town recently that she had volunteered for. she talked about how different the films are from the usual hollywood fare--how these ones were more capable of feeding you intellectually.

       that's about when i started to see a very strange pattern in that little lunch break. whether there was some point i was supposed to grasp, or if i was just particularly famished that day, i'm not sure. but it made me think. what is it that i'm hungry for? what satisfies me? lately i've been searching so desperately for change, but i don't even know what i'm looking for. is it in music? in food? in companionship? in more intellectual pursuits? i have a craving, but i can't quite figure out what it is.

       what are you hungry for?

rhapsody in blue jeans...

       i made white chocolate-filled chocolate cupcakes tonight. i've eaten four of them. and i still wonder why i'm fat. hi, my name is chris and i'm an emotional eater. well, i thought it would be fitting, seeing as this is my first post of the new year. i went to the gym on thursday. meant to go every day since, but haven't. it felt amazing, though. it's becoming a little hard to believe that not that long ago i was going every day for at least two hours. but i'm feeling it again. and i'm insanely out of shape. i may yet regain my physique and have people love me again. haha. only kidding on that last bit. people will never love me.

       so i'm still thinking about resolutions. i was perusing friend's facebook pages (perusing is such a better word for stalking) and saw a note from one friend that contained his resolutions for last year. as i read it, i noticed that the serious ones that he had made (there were a few that were not as serious) were well on the way to being realized. then i thought about my own resolutions from last year and what i wanted to accomplish. i think that was one reason why i ate those four cupcakes, which is rather ironic considering that i, along with millions of other americans, had resolved to lose weight. because in many of my resolutions i actually went in the opposite direction. yeah, that was heartening.

       i think i'm feeling something like hope for this year, though. there has been a gradual lessening of my overall "i hate everything" attitude, and i'm starting to entertain the notion that something might actually change. but for now that remains to be simply hope, partly because i'm not sure why that something has stirred in me, and right now i still don't trust it.

       i saw the kite runner tonight. miracle of miracles, it ended up in columbia somehow, but this may have been a special screening because it wasn't there yesterday. i have the movie times on my home page and noticed it there and felt like being impulsive. wow. i'm still not sure how to describe it, but it swept me away. tears your heart right out. i've had the book on hold at the library and it is currently waiting to be picked up, so i think i will do that tomorrow.

       i've also been deepening my love for regina spektor. i think i'm becoming obsessed. if i could write poetry, i think i'd write songs like hers. wouldn't really go with my voice, though. still looking for what does. i'll never really give up on that.

       back to work tomorrow; back to that soul-crushing place where dreams are slowly roasted and candy coated and swallowed back like the pills you take to make you better, only they just make your stomach ache. you can tell i'm excited.

crème brûlée...

       back in columbia, and back to work. the break went far too quickly, but it was good to go home and be with family and see one or two friends that i haven't seen in a while. this christmas was pretty crazy. it really didn't feel it was supposed to until about the day of, then suddenly it was over. my parents surprised me with a new fender acoustic electric, though. i've been thinking for a while about picking my guitar up again, but hadn't. my parents didn't know anything about it, except that i had requested guitar hero 3 (haha). so i took it as a sign and have been practicing faithfully. it's given me something to do, too. it's been painfully quiet around here.

       i'm being inspired by a new friend, i think. well, a new friend and the need for it. but i've been hiding behind my introspective nature for too long. all of the changes this year have left me searching for some sort of identity, and i'm coming up far short. so, as a shot in the dark, i think it's time i tried reaching out again through my writing and music, since it will probably be a while before i'll be able to open up in any other way. not sure what to say there. i don't know why it's taking me so long to get through this. i feel like all my strength is exhausted, then a little more is required. i want it to stop. i need it to. maybe breaking out of my creative shell will help.

       my little brother's fiance bought me a crème brûlée kit for christmas, complete with ramekins, mix, and culinary torch. it's good stuff. there's a little pyro in me, so the torch alone could keep me occupied while the fuel lasts. i'm kinda excited for the mix to run out, too, so i can experiment with my own custard recipes. i love crème brûlée. my favorite part is cracking the shell with the spoon.