i'm not ugly, just aesthetically challenged...

      last week i heard someone talking about something he observed while driving from somewhere to somewhere else. he said that first he saw this beautiful oak tree, standing tall and strong and proud, with a thick trunk and straight branches. it had obviously been very carefully manicured and well nurtured, and in the summer would provide some pretty amazing shade from the sun. but when it rained or when it became cold, the tree would be forgotten. then he said that as he drove a little farther down the road he saw an apple tree, heavy with fruit. it's branches were twisted and knotted and bent low to the ground, and the trunk looked like it might break under the strain. the tree wasn't able to put its energies into itself because it had been so focused on producing the fruit. ultimately, the tree wasn't very good looking, but what drew his eye were the beautiful red apples and the children reaching easily into its branches to eat from the fruit that could be preserved and enjoyed year-round.

 

no point whatsoever...

      so i might be quitting xanga. not really. neither will i be taking a break per se, but i'm just not in a very good mood at the moment and want to be angry at something and throw words around. i would say that i'm ready to go back to school, but i'm afraid that this coming year will be so hellish that i'm not exactly eager to jump in. we haven't even begun yet and we're having roommate problems. definitely won't be getting into those on here. for some reason we're also having a time transferring the utilities from our former roommate's names into our own. ugh. and it seems lately i haven't been able to do a dang thing right. i've seriously made some pretty major mistakes and have no idea what to do or how to handle them. at the same time i'm being completely antisocial when that's just about the last thing i want to be right now. i'm a hair's breadth away from quitting my job and dropping out of school and becoming a drug dealer. if only i were kidding. yeah, it's been a good week.

     so pretty much all of my spare time has been spent in the drug-like throes of my favorite mind-numbing novels. not to mention i've also been ill. and i'm also dealing with some sort of rift that's been between me and a friend. ok, this post is going nowhere so it should probably end.

     aaaarrrrrgh! ok, i think i feel a little better now. back to my book.

simplicity...

  

"he thought that if he stood on the bottom rail of the bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly
away beneath him, then he would suddenly know everything that there was to be known..."

                           -a. a. milne

bombs bursting in air...

      hello all. hope everyone had a great fourth of july? i have to say that mine was probably one of the better ones that i can remember. caleb (little bro) and keira (friend) and i (me) were meeting at the theater to see "click" (not my choice) when brandon called:

      "hey, you wanna come up to gladstone?"

      "yeah."

      so when keira arrived we jumped in her car and drove the half-hour to brandon's dad's house. it was very spontaneous of us. i was proud. it was pretty much a laid-back night, but i had a blast. randy (brandon's dad) had purchased a ton of fireworks (not quite, but there were a lot), and we set about half of them off with a pizza break and a swim break in there somewhere. just before our swim break the cops were called somehow (we think it may have been the older couple that we nearly hit with a mortar as they drove by). fortunately it was a lady-cop and we were able to smooth-talk and charm our way out of trouble. or maybe she just gave us a warning, i don't remember. but after we were sufficiently pruny from the pool (and shivering) we headed over to the city's fireworks display, which was very nice. afterwards we just laid out in the middle of the football field and looked at the stars and watched the remains of other displays in the area. then we went back and set off more fireworks. great night. simple, but great.

      currently listening to josh groban and trying to work up the will to go running. almost there. anyone have any good stories?

feeling verbose...

      hello. crazy week. that's about all i have to say about that. hafta work this monday and tuesday. i hate hy-vee. tuesday is only in the morning, though, so i'm still good for fireworks. have a happy fourth, everyone.

i am jack's fork...

      tired, a little sore, a little burned (not horribly--i was being daring in spf 15), a little broke, and thoroughly content. went camping/floating with several friends from rcm this weekend. big group, actually, which was wonderful. i usually don't take to big groups (and this time was still a little weird), but i often find myself a little lost in the crowd. i still prefer my small groups where we can stick together. but it was good. humbling also, i should add. nothing like a day in swim trunks showing off your fat white self to motivate a person. my buddy brandon was complaining about how much weight he's gained over the summer (five more than i've gained, actually), and i wanted to punch him right in his six-pack. ahh. i had one of those once. so not fair.

      not quite sure how many times i clicked that little "new weblog entry" button over the last couple weeks then either wrote something and deleted it or stared at the blank space for a few minutes realizing that what i was about to say was completely pointless. much like this entry in that respect. *sigh* how do you chronicle life? emotion? crazy persons like myself? i've been seeing the truth to that last statement lately. trust me, you don't want to know any more than you already do. but sometimes i wish that our society was open and honest enough that i would be able to. hmm. i kinda miss columbia, where i had someone a door away to talk to. i'm almost ready to go back.

      been keeping up the reading. finished the artemis fowl series. enjoyed those much, but i still have a few minor complaints. not big enough to list. currently working on george macdonald's "at the back of the north wind" which i've really liked, but am having some difficulty so far in figuring it out. not quite halfway through, though. on the docket i have some isabel allende (eva luna and house of spirits), a. a. milne, jane austen, and christianna brand. i should probably throw something from my summer class in there, too. hmm. might be good.

      one or two of you may be interested to learn that i have completed the second chapter of my book. yes, i think i will congratulate myself on this great achievement. as my friend put it, "you're really moving along there, aren't you?" (three guesses who that was). yes, it's taken me approximately a year and a half to complete two chapters. i'm not sure why this one was so difficult to write, but it was a pain in the tuchus. i don't think i spelled that correctly. anyway, it's about twice as long as the first and i absolutely love it. the dialogue still has an old nobody-talks-like-that-anymore feel to it that needs to be worked out in revision, but it's to a point where i can confidently move on to the third. now those who are not included in that one-or-two-who-may-be-interested group will be relieved to hear that i don't think i'm going to post this one. not even on tenebra_ruo, especially after the overwhelming response of one comment i received for the first. yeah, thanks for the support, guys.

     i really hope it's not another two weeks before my next. i'm sure you'll all hold your breath. sorry i haven't been around, though. hope that will change. exciting day tomorrow: laundry and mowing! lol. take care. later.

a fine feathered frenzy...

      apparently my posts have become a friday thing. going to see a movie tonight and that's always a good thing. i work tomorrow, though, and that's never a good thing except for the minor fact that it allows me to pay bills and go out to movies and such. i'm rambling and i've barely started. good week, this one, except a few moments when i wasn't reading. i went running on monday or tuesday night and successfully ran 5.5 of the 10 miles. haven't been back out yet. i've become a bit lazy this summer, but i plan to change that fairly soon. next week, maybe...

      well it's another week and my little bro will be 21. that's weird to me. they grow up so fast. then in two weeks we have a float trip for rcm, which i'm still deciding whether or not i'm going. nothing better to do, but i don't know. i think they've already reserved the canoes, so they might be a little angry if i back out. we'll see. should be good, but there are some things that need to happen first. all part of this amazing summer i've had, let me tell you. no, actually, i won't tell you...it's a figure of speech. anywho.

      so i was bored the other day and took this test at eharmony.com. the free compatibility profile or whatnot. no, i'm not signing up for the service, nor am i looking for my match online, but i was curious. lots of questions, but it kicked back an interesting report on the kind of person that i would be most compatible with. funny, i don't think such a person as the report described actually exists. so even the matchmaking service that boasts millions of perfect matches thinks i'm doomed. great stuff.

      tired and restless. artemis calls.

      i've been avoiding writing anything on here. i've been checking it every day, but i'm not sure why. i haven't written anything to comment about. i've started several entries over the last few weeks, but i don't have that much to say about anything so they are never posted.

      i went in to work today. forty minute drive. i got behind the counter and sorted my drawer when a friend of mine yells, "what are you doing here?" confused, i replied, "working." she said no i wasn't, i work tomorrow. so i went back and checked the schedule. sure enough, i work tomorrow. so i went and sold body parts instead.

      wednesday, back when i thought i was working on friday, not on saturday, i asked a friend of mine, "hey, whatcha doin' on saturday?" he said he was working all day mowing lawns. he called my brother today and asked him if he wanted to go golfing tomorrow.

      my car broke. sunday night on my way to church it started giving me problems. took it in on tuesday and got it back yesterday with less than $400 work.

      i went running on tuesday night. ten miles. i only ran barely half of it. it was so hot and humid. lots of thunder and lightning when i was running and i prayed that it would rain to cool me off. it didn't start until i was back in the car.

      books are my alcohol. i've read three this week.

      i think i'm going a little crazy.

nonne macescis...

      tonight katy a. and i went to see "the da vinci code." the book was better, as always. it felt weird to watch it, not because it's always weird to see what was once in your imagination on a screen but because of what it was about. the film didn't quite capture it like the book did. not that i'm claiming to know what the book was about. but i took it as a prod to not just accept what you've been spoon-fed and to search things out for yourself. the scriptures even say that. it didn't quite come across that way in the movie. it's fiction, though, and as long as you can understand that i think you'll be fine. i think it's ridiculous that people would denounce their faith because of it. if their faith was that weak to begin with, it's no surprise people are reacting as they are. i don't know. i'm not going to recommend it, but neither am i going to tell you not to see it. i don't believe what they were talking about, but it was a good story.

      gave plasma today for the first time in about a year. that was interesting. took them forever to get me through--i was there over three hours. crazy. but the best part was when i sat on the donation bed and the first thing the phlebotomist says to me after she looked at my chart was "you know you've gained some weight since you were here last." gee, thanks. i have, though. not much, but i could still use a good run more often than not. it was a tough semester. but tomorrow morning i've decided to do my ten-miler and see how it treats me. not long ago (well, okay, two years ago) i was doing that five days a week. not running, or at least not all of it. but i do like to run as long as i can breathe while i'm doing it.

      so we're a week into summer and i'm already bored. it's interesting being alone with yourself because you begin to listen to all the babbling that goes on in your own head. quite frightening. i've been enjoying the nothing to do, but i need to find something to do, ya know? i'm not going to be getting many hours at work, so perhaps a new job. yesterday was the first i sat down to write anything. i didn't get much, as usual, but it was a start. i've been playing the piano quite a bit. i've gotten (how's that for grammar?) a bit rusty, but it's coming back slowly. i've also rediscovered the tv and dvd player and satellite remote. and of course i've renewed my library membership and have been reading quite a bit. but mostly i've been fairly useless. it's not a good feeling.

     i'm waiting for things to change. it's a frightening thing. but something needs to change. i need a miracle or some divine intervention. not some deus ex machina that i usually end up with. i need real change.

finito!

     i'm very happy to announce that after much pain and suffering my spanish final is behind me. actually, it wasn't that bad, but we'll see how it really was in a couple weeks. so now all we have is a paper plus a makeup exam that i really don't need to do, but i'm an overachiever and like to get as many points as possible. so there. still this bittersweetness that lingers everywhere. weird. haven't really had a chance to take advantage of the finals week, though. it's usually my favorite part and i've spent most of it actually working or being bored because everyone else was working. went to see a movie tonight, though, so that was good. i enrolled for my summer class. did i say that already? i don't remember. it's independent study, which is different from even the other online classes i've had before. i actually do everything on my time. there's no class. i have nine months to complete the course. so that shouldn't be too bad. even if i want to do something, i dislike being forced to do it, so i have a feeling that i'll be finishing this well before the deadline. it's like a minimum six weeks, though. cracks me up.

      anything else? i don't know. my mind is a little befuddled by sleep deprivation, too much sleep, too much thinking in a language that i'm not used to thinking in, and the pretty blues and yellows of this best buy reward zone card in front of me. i'm in a shopping mood. too bad i haven't had a job since...hmm...spring break. i've decided to take the next week off, though and settle into summer. then comes work. 'twill be good, i say. hope all is well with everyone out there in xangaland and with those who've gone beyond to the mystical realms of facebooktown or myspaceville. yes, it's past my bedtime. sweet dreams.

pienso poder, pienso poder...

      so the clock is a bit off, but it's all right. that's just the countdown to the end of my heinous final, but i still have a paper due on friday. but in approximately three hours i will be going insane because i won't have a clue of what to write on this stupid test. yes, i'll most likely be retaking the class. so exciting. well, i need to go study some more. later.

un otro viernes...

        can you say crazy? it's friday already! another odd week. failed a linguistics final yesterday and struggled through the listening portion of my spanish exam this morning. that was fun. it actually wasn't as bad as it was amusing at how insane it was. during one portion the professor said something that no one understood and i saw every single head in the room whip up and look at him with blank expressions and a couple "what the heck!?"s. after that i had a grad check meeting with my college of arts & sciences advisor (not my english department advisor) to see where i was. turns out it may be possible for me to graduate in december. wasn't expecting that one. i guess they changed a few rules in my favor and will accept more classes from my other schools. i'm here for a year anyway, so i haven't decided what to do yet, but it would be nice to be done. it would be a packed semester, though...two writing intensive courses (both of which might end up being lit courses), a math course (suck! but she suggested a course for the "mathematically disabled" so it shouldn't be horrible), another lit course, and my advanced creative writing course. might be interesting. anyway, long weekend planned. tons of work to do, but it shouldn't be horrible. one week from today i'll be done! well, at least for a week or two. everyone take care, eat lots, and good luck!

lunes...

        that it certainly has been. let me tell you, i'm gonna need to make some life changes pretty soon here. either that or switch up my comfort food. i've been eating way too much ice cream. it's so good, though. all i need now is my cat to come lick my bowl and i'll be happy. tonight i made my chicken with this italian marinated stuff. so good. then i poured some of that over steamed broccoli and carrots and sprinkled some feta and provolone and mozzarella over it. so good.

        i'm not quite sure what's been going on, but it's just been absolutely insane. the last two weeks have felt like i'm learning to breathe with only one lung. and i'm not sleeping. one night i tried to sleep on the floor to see if it would help. not so much.

        i have so much work to do. i'm going to fail all my classes.

        so my mom sent me another joke. i laughed:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day!

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as...

Sinko de Mayo.

viernes...

        hmmm. i hope no one was offended with the last. it wasn't meant to offend. my family immigrated just like everyone else, but i thought it was amusing given recent events. and i hate math. i'm sometimes the cashier who will give you a blank look at first, but i'll eventually figure it out. so it's friday (yay!) and although i have a lot of work to do over the next couple weeks, i'm really looking forward to it. finals is my absolute favorite time of the semester. and in a weird way i'm looking forward to the dull summer ahead. i really, really, really want to write, and i've spent my writing moments (what few i've taken) mostly in planning. it's getting good, let me tell you. i may also ask my aunt (incredible artist) to illustrate a few things for me to keep me motivated (also for the published book, but we haven't gone quite that far yet). i'm getting excited about it, though.

        so i think it's going to be a good weekend. off to the gym.

       ::edit:: i was running around the indoor track this morning and a little brown sparrow flew down out of the rafters and said hello. he landed on one of the supports and watched the basketball game in progress underneath us and he chirped in reply to the squeekings of a bunch of shoes on the polished hardwood. made my day.

       then this afternoon i was in the library writing a little and i discovered that my main protagonist bears a striking resemblance to a lesser character out of greek mythology. i'd never heard of this character before, but she shares a name with my character (i had chosen the name because it is the latin word that perfectly describes this character) as well as a few eerie character traits. so now i'm trying to decide whether to exploit the coincidence or avoid it. what do you think? she's a huge character and i already have a lot of her part written. and she's not very well known in mythology (i seriously had never heard of her, but brandon had). and people borrow from mythology all the time, so...

for jacob...

        he'd be twenty-three today. it was four years ago and it's still as tough every time i think of him. i don't handle such things very well. i think the worst of it is that we lost touch toward the end, letting our paths go wherever they were going. he was a good friend. he introuced me to john wayne and mountain dew and wolfenstein. i'm not entirely sure why i'm blogging about it. this isn't a "rest in peace" type of thing, but i guess it's still good to remember those good times.

sunny days seem to hurt the most
i wear the pain like a heavy coat
i feel you everywhere i go
i see your smile, i see your face
i hear you laughing in the rain
i still can't believe you're gone

would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
settle down with a family
i wonder what would you name your babies
some days the sky's so blue
i feel like i can talk to you
i know it might sound crazy

it ain't fair you died too young
like a story that had just begun
but death tore the pages all away
God knows how i miss you
all the hell that i've been through
just knowing no one could take your place
sometimes i wonder who you'd be today.

                                        --kenny chesney's "who you'd be today"

on parking nazis...

        odd day. bad morning, good afternoon. this evening we had an interesting little occurrence at a fraternity. a friend of ours parked his car in their lot (right next to stankowski field where we were playing soccer), but when he returned ten minutes later, there was a boot on his tire that made it quite impossible for him to leave. the resident parking nazi demanded $100 for the removal of the boot and threatened to call the towing company. well the soccer boys weren't about to let some self-righteous, super-obese (not using this as a stereotype, just as an illustration because he was) kid push around a friend, so we rallied. at first, neil (whose care had been hijacked) tried to change the offended tire, but as he did so, the nazi placed another boot on the opposite wheel. our resourceful friend jared called a lawyer friend and devised a strategy. after a couple hours of some arguing, multiple visits by some really stressed cops (who were on our side), and some ice cream provided by some cute onlookers, all of us extras were told by the cops to leave (per the demands of the nazi). i think three cop cars were in the lot when we left, but i just heard from jared that they made the nazi remove the jacks and neil was allowed to leave without having to pay. the moral: don't mess with guys who really don't like to lose.

        estoy mucho cansado. tengo mucho tarea hacer y no tengo nada deseo hacerlo. el miercoles tengo un examen oral. estoy nervioso.

        so it's been weird. i think things are settling down a bit, or at least my mind has stopped racing and is now slowed to a jog. little things are setting off the oddest reactions, though. stupid self-pity moments, mostly, but they're usually limited to a few minutes. i think there's been another lesson in all of this, if only i could figure out what that was. i've been getting back on the exercise bandwagon, though, so i'm proud of myself. haven't missed a day this week yet. yeah, it's only tuesday. five miles today, though.

        started another new book this week. the da vinci code. i'm going to try to enjoy it, while keeping in mind that it's purely fictional. yes, i know what it's about. i'll let you know my thoughts on it, if i have any.

        wow, i really need to get some work done, though. it's definitely piling up. and my weekends this month will all be full, so there's no procrastination. there's a chance that i'll be driving home every weekend in april, except the last. church conference this weekend, easter next weekend (my mom has promised me a ginormous easter basket because i'm dying from lack of ice cream and chocolate and other sugars), and casting crowns/nichole nordeman concert the weekend after that (followed by the special olympics back here in columbia the day after the concert). i really want to go to that concert, though. if anyone's interested, let me know. nichole nordeman's "woven & spun" cd got me through my sophomore year (along with lifehouse's "stanley climbfall"). and casting crowns is (are? ) just awesome. so yeah. well, hope you're all having a great week. later.

        i hate it when the story ends and everything resolves so nicely, but then you close the book or turn off the tv and you're suddenly brought back to reality where the story isn't resolved and you don't know what the next few steps are going to be and you're dreading the ones you do know about. sometimes i try to appease myself by stepping back and petending like i'm the reader wondering what this character will do next or what will happen to him. makes things a bit easier when the ending isn't so happy.

        but then i realize that it's not all a story after all.

        i have an oral presentation in spanish tomorrow and a story due on tuesday and am completely lacking any motivation to even begin working on either of them. it's about 10:20pm and i'm sitting at my desk trying to create some alternate universe in my all-too-well-developed imagination.

if i could just see You
everything would be all right
if i happen to see You
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be all right.

                    -lifehouse "storm"

travelblog...

        great weekend, let me tell you...

        friday. the original plan was to leave friday when we were all finished with classes and packed. instead we decided to sit out the 20 degree night in the warmth of our own beds with march madness and a game of poker to keep us occupied.

        saturday. saturday was the day of the trip. jon and logan drove over to our house and after changing a tire on jon's van, we had a nice breakfast of biscuits and sausage gravy with mushrooms. good stuff. then we drove an hour to osage beach, missouri and set up camp. we hung out that afternoon, spending a little time driving around the town and collecting a few last-minute supplies for the camp, then returned to cook some pork-burgers and ribs. awesome stuff. saturday night we sat around the fire and talked and set off some bottle rockets in the lake and played with the fire, but nothing interesting.

        sunday. after a nice sleep-in (because we were too cold to get up--seriously, it was freezing, but we were well wrapped in blankets and kept fairly warm) we made a campfire breakfast of pancakes with strawberries and sausages. after all (or most) of that was cleared, we decided to take a hike on one of the many trails around the area. our trail was only about four miles long and was mostly forrest and rolling hills, but it was still very nice (sorry, no pictures here). at one point we even found the source of a spring that bubbled right out of the side of the hill. we worked up a decent hunger after this, so naturally we went into town and had wendy's. logan had to leave from there for an interview (pfft), but he missed out on all the fun of breaking camp, after which brandon and i decided to go for a dip in the freezing lake. we got up to our knees before screaming and running back to the shore, but we wet our hair to make it look like we went all the way in. . but we threw a football around (or at least he did and i sort of lobbed it back to him) for a bit before hitting the outlet mall in town. huge place and some good shops (it's a little scary how much we both like to shop), and i got a jacket and a t-shirt and spent $20.

        we ended up coming back a little earlier than we expected, and we didn't actually do all the much, but it was still a fun time.

brandon and me


me, brandon, jon, and logan's stuffed monkey

brandon and jon

logan

(click on each for a larger pic--look for more on facebook)

a nice, warm bed...

        back in como, then on towards home tomorrow morning. had a great weekend. travelblog in the works.