kinda pointless, really...

     ben folds and joni mitchell are keeping me company tonight. joni's being pretty emotional and deep, while ben is doing his best to keep the conversation light; he's still lingering on some of the same thoughts, though, so it's a good mix. norah jones popped in for some coffee but had to leave. she might come back later. no, i'm not crazy; yes, i realize that they are not actually here. i've just really discovered the first two, though, and i'm enjoying them. both can get a little vulgar every once in a while, which i don't care for, but they still have some good songs. it's been a good diversion from thinking about everything that i have to do and realizing that i haven't begun work on much of anything yet. there's just so much to do, i don't know where to begin. it's like when you have too much to say, so nothing ends up being said. same deal. too much to do, so nothing is finished. i think that illustration would have worked better the other way around. my brain is shutting down, so i apologize if i'm not coming across as particularly sober. i am sober, incidentally. wouldn't have it any other way. i really don't think i'm going to accomplish anything tonight, though, so i might as well stop trying and just relax so i can fall asleep tonight. have to wake up early to write papers. lol.

     i'm kinda in the mood to just go out and do something absolutely crazy. lack of fundage kinda kills any road trip prospects, which would have been my first choice. lack of sleep pretty much kills anything else. i think i might read a book that i don't have to read. how's that for wild and crazy? you have no idea.... oh my. just got the last of the artemis fowl books at the library tonight. might crack that open. yeah. i need to be away from this computer screen for a while. going crazy. no worries. take care, all.

bein' green...

     i'm really tired of complaining on this thing, but, to top all others, this has been the week from hell. i can't even imagine what all of you think of me, those receiving my posts in their inboxes (there's a few under 50 of you, i think). i really don't complain this much, but this is definitely an outlet for me when i don't really have anywhere else to go. especially those of you who actually know me and are probably thinking "this guy is a bit psycho," just take it with a grain of salt, i guess. i'm generally a happy person, or i try to be.

     currently making time go by in pershing commons on campus while i'm waiting for my outlet to top all outlets to become unoccupied. no, it's not a bathroom, though that's a good outlet, too. erg. i'm waiting for the music room downstairs. there's a decent piano in there and it's been so long since i've been able to sit down at a piano by myself and just let my fingers go to work. it's almost muscle memory now. i've been playing for about 15 years (that sounds impressive, but i practice almost never and i'm really not that good--but i love it). rcm just let out (well, i guess it's been a while now), but all the other guys went to the gym to play basketball. it's not easy bein' green. that's most of why this week has been so difficult, actually, from things that come out of being so dang different. i've gone to the gym every day this week, though, (which just doubled the number of times i've been this semester) and i'm so glad that i've been able to pound some frustrations out. i'm not sure where i'd be if i hadn't. things don't slow down, though, you know? i don't know if this is something from the Good Guy or the bad one, but life has just been relentless. classes are crazy, relationships are crazy, work is crazy (and therefore money is crazy), and even church stuff seems crazy lately. oddly enough, doing all of this work for the rcm olympics has been really fun, even though that's been stressful in it's own way. i've loved writing all of these poems/riddles for the scavenger hunt, though, and the quiz bowl questions have been interesting. then there's that whole "beast in the jungle"-esque monster that is 'life after college', looming in the near future. i still have no idea what i'm going to do, and if one more person asks me, it will take every ounce of energy i can muster (of which there isn't much left) to keep from bursting into tears while simultaneously getting them in a strangle hold until they take it back. and, no, i haven't been writing. i don't even have time to be doing this. and i have a feeling that i shouldn't be writing a children's novel while slightly insane, lest i have all my characters suddenly kill themselves. that would kinda put a damper on a sequel.

     but i am still here, and i am still kicking (and screaming), and while i'm begging for the end, deep down i know that, somehow, all of this is good for me. life experience. and crap. and if i beg for the end and am granted my wish, that will put me that much closer to having to worry about life after may 2007. but the next two weeks will not be fun. three papers (combined 25-30 pages) and two tests, all due the week after next. but i lost three pounds this week (so far--let's make it thirty more by saturday). that's a good thing. a small, good thing. man, i have, like, five allusions in this post and i bet no one will pick up on them. 'cept maybe the kermit one. my stupid literary mind will not stop. it's insanely frustrating.

     k, i'm gonna go see if the piano room is open now. later.

happy halloween! (protected below)...

rhymes rhymes everywhere, even in my...

     i can't stop. i've been writing riddles and small little poems as clues for the video scavenger hunt that we're doing in the rcm olympics, and now i can't get the stupid rhymes out of my head. my brain is in a metered and alliterated rhyme mode and it's driving me batty. it's been fun, though. i'm writing the scavenger hunt and the quiz bowl, if i didn't say that on here already, and i think it's going to be a good time. i need a little help, though...a riddle with two lines, fourteen syllables each line, that implies a simple action or element that would have to be present in each scavenge. i have three so far...

Until I have been measured, I’m afraid that I’m not known,
Yet I know that you’ll miss me, when you find that I have flown.

I am so fragile none of you will ever say my name,
Unless you break me willingly and risk losing the game.

I’m not the gentle one that you would find in William Blake,
But rather, spot me not, for you are wand’ring in my wake.

     can you figure them out? no cheating! the first two are stolen (and altered) from a riddles site, the third is mine (keep in mind that these will be done here in columbia, at mu). these will be part of the advanced scavenger clues that they will find as they're doing the regular (and much easier) scavenges. they have to have an element of each of these things in the video for the other scavenges. but i need one more! fifty points to the one that provides. and, yes, these points can be used at chuck e. cheese's.

     lots going on. i know i said i'd be better about posting, but the weeks are slipping by, it seems. isn't it crazy that it's nearly november?! tonight is halloween and i have no idea if i'll be doing anything. halloween is such an odd holiday for me. i absolutely love it and it brings back so many awesome memories with my family, but it still has a sort of melancholy quality about it. i don't know. i've never been trick-or-treating, if you can imagine, but i have no costume yet, so i doubt i'll be starting tonight. i love handing out candy to the kids, though. anyway, i need to get ready for class, so give me some ideas and i'll talk to you later.

it's ten o'clock in the morning, on october the 24th, if you want to know...

     five points for the person who correctly cites that quote first. man, i'm tiiiiiired. classes are just about driving me nuts, then this afternoon i signed up for another round of it for next semester. it makes me extremely happy, though, that that will be the last time i'll have to do that. at least for a while. i think. so far i'm taking 8 hours (and i hope to stick to that), five of which consist of elementary latin (my course of choice to reach half-time status, thereby avoiding repayment on loans until six months after graduation). the other three are undecided, but i'm currently signed up for a world dramatic lit. course that i'm not too excited about. i have to have a 3000-level, writing intensive course to fulfill graduation requirements, and i don't have too many alternatives. currently thinking about taking an agricultural journalism class (brandon is in the ag school and says they're super easy), but haven't decided. actually, i'll probably go with it, make it an easy semester.

     i'm currently in the throes of helping to plan this year's rcm olympics, which is turning out to be more work than i thought, but fun. organizing people that really don't care or want to be that organized is an interesting task. the fun part, though, is that i get to be in charge of the quiz bowl and help with the scavenger hunt, so, while those are both very time consuming, it's still been a good time. i get to meet with my fellow scavenger schemer tomorrow to come up with crazy things for people to do to humiliate themselves on film. any suggestions?

     my friends are weird.

     well, i need to get ready for work sometime here. starbucks tonight, so it will be a good night. :) lots of homework to do after, though. i hate homework. i'm tired of having to think. it hurts me. and don't ask how the writing is coming. it's not.

mercurial music...

only when there is tension on the strings can music be made.
the tension is supposed to be there so that when the Lord raises the bow to the strings
we will understand the music and the purpose.

they sicken of the calm, those who know the storm...

     it's funny how fast the weather can change. it was in the mid-eighties not a week ago and now tonight it's supposed to freeze. but i'm not here to talk about the weather, am i? it's been a long time since i've written anything on here. what, more than two weeks? lots happened and yet not much. that doesn't really make sense, i know, but just the way things have been, it hasn't changed much; yet i'm sure i could ramble on for quite awhile about everything. i'm on the verge of an epiphany. maybe. i feel like i should be. you know how things just kinda suck for a while then they suddenly get worse, because things tend to get worse before they get better, but then you suddenly feel that you're not sliding down anymore but might be making a turn upward? yeah, i'm there. i know i always write these big huge posts every time that happens, because for some reason you guys might want to know about it (uh...not so much), but i have reached yet another turn. and to be honest, i'm not that sure why. but that's that. time to shape up.

     i hope all of you are doing well, though. this always seems to be the busy time, when you have a million things to do so nothing gets done. hope you're all surviving. in the meantime, i need sleep. i think i'll be around more often now, though. just to warn you. sorry about the absence, though. take care, peeps.

dum dum de dum...

     so i'm supposed to be working on my test rewrite. wanna know a secret? i'm not. shh, don't tell. after waking up at the beautiful hour of 10am, i gave myself a hair cut to hold me over until i can go home and get a real one. gettin' kinda shaggy. you know, i really don't remember the last time i slept in that late. it's been a long time. i'm usually up by around 7 or 7:30, so it was nice. the rest of the morning was pretty uneventful...just took my time getting up. i've already spent half the afternoon hunting down car parts for brandon, but apparently i'm about as car savvy as he is. took me two tries to get the right parts, but after much toil and error, i have emerged victorious. also got a few things for myself at the auto parts store. just a few things that i've never done in the...oh...six years that i've owned my car. changing the air filter, for one. yeah, i'm supposed to do that about once a year. hmm. i was also going to run today. i might tonight still. i want to try to do about 20 miles a week, just running. hey, i'd still consider myself a beginner.

     anyway, i'm watching the food network and am getting hungry, so i think i'm gonna get meself a nice pbh (peanut butter and honey--mmmm) and a large ibuprofen cocktail. i also made some earl grey iced tea, which is really good. i wonder if it's bad to mix caffeine and ibuprofen? hmm. guess i'll find out. ok, i need to get something done. later, taters.

hand-some as ever...

     i'd never jammed my thumb until friday night. it was a misguided attempt at catching a football thrown by someone who actually knows how to throw such things...a mistake for someone who doesn't really know how to catch such things. the result, as my doctor friend put it, is a torn adductor pollicis, which is the tendon that runs from nearly the tip of your thumb on the inside, down into your wrist. it's not torn completely (ouch), but bj said i definitely tore a few fibers. my thumb swelled to at least twice normal within seconds and was rather black and purple by saturday morning. this picture i took a few minutes ago...he's got me guzzling ibuprofen, icing it at least four times a day, and doing...get this...thumb exercises. doing much better today, actually. not half as colorful as it was yesterday. fun fun.

     in other news, i have tomorrow off, which will be wonderful considering i have a test to rewrite and a couple hundred pages of reading to catch up on. haven't accomplished much today, and there are pancakes and waffles waiting for me so i should probably go. take care, all. later.

how to save a life...

     just discovered the fray. i like them. so it's been a while. first day of autumn isn't until saturday, but i was excited and needed something to do while procrastinating. i've become very efficient at that. i was going to have leaves falling like i have the snow in winter, but the images were messing up. i might mess with it later. i really like the xanga audio stuff, except it needs to have a cleaner interface. dunno. any song requests?

     so i officially failed my first test this year. yeah. apparently 50% of the class did. i thought i did a dang good job on that exam, explaining how the passage related to the rest of the poem (it was passage identification on a poetry test), identifying the formal conventions, themes, and even the type of poem, then giving my own interpretation of it. apparently that wasn't enough. she even wrote a note in the margin of my blue book, "again, you fail to address crucial imagery: why the rhyme of "brain" and "chain" for example. these are correct statements but you haven't addressed the exam at all." yeah, the instructions on the exam were, "identify the poem and poet, giving as detailed an analysis as time permits, indicating structural and thematic elements. avoid paraphrase, but incorporate the larger aims of the poem," which is exactly what i did. so because i didn't explain why "brain" and "chain" rhymed, i failed. i seriously hate my major sometimes. then we've been discussing in my capstone class what you can do with an english major. one example from a pamphlet was, "well, i took some time off and traveled the country and had a real growth experience." another was, "well, i work at a pizza parlor now, but i write on the side." i swear i'm going to kill myself.

     so things have been up and down, as usual. lots of work, which has been rather overwhelming, and i've been emotional as a pregnant woman (no offense). it's sucked, really. i'm being constantly reminded that i don't fit in, but i have a good friend that's been keeping me somewhat grounded and who has been kind enough to lend me a shoulder and put up with my craziness. something feels different today, though. a change in the wind, maybe. the weather has been awesome, by the way. i love it when it cools down like this. i woke up with a sore throat this morning, though, because i left my window open all night. i love fall.

     so my new quote is a little trite. i like it, though. if you knew that today was your last day on earth, what would you do? i really take it for granted that i'll have another fifty some years to get things done, when i might not even have a day. time to get started, i guess. anyway, homework to do. later.

good morning, beautiful day...

     at b.j.'s suggestion, i woke up early this morning and went for a run. he was talking to me yesterday about how nice it is to be out there and watch the sun rise, so i thought i'd give it a try. my alarm went off at 6:30, but by the time i actually got out of bed and started moving around and stretching a little, it was closer to 7 when i got out. it was nice, a little humid, but cool. the run was all right for being up so early: my muscles were still half asleep and my mind really wasn't quite sure what was going on yet, but i was still moving along. then about halfway out it started to rain. of course. and this wasn't just rain, it was pouring. about five minutes later it had stopped and about that much later the sky was blue, so by the time i got back home it looked like i had actually sweat that much. i got some interesting looks from students going to their cars. or maybe that was just because of the chubby boy running down the street. but anyway, it was still all right. took me about a half hour to run the three miles, but i also walked some. especially right after that huge hill on smiley lane. yes, that's what the street's actually called. you won't see me smilin' much on that one.

     why is it so easy for us to forget that there are people who love us? we were sorta talking about that yesterday morning in sunday school, but with a God twist to it (as it was appropriate and all). we were asking the question how God would touch them persistently, and yet some of them still forgot that He loved them. then i caught myself thinking this morning during breakfast about some of the things that have been going, about some of the strained relationships and such, how i often need affirmation after affirmation. at least God is patient enough and willing to do just that, but i'm being serious when i ask, how can our memories be so short? we never did come up with an answer in class. i don't know, really. i guess with people (and i guess we could include God here) things tend to happen for better and worse, so if one of those worse things comes along, it sort of takes the place of the better. as if we needed another roller coaster. i guess what i'm saying is that if you have any crazy friends like me that need such a thing as love, be good to them today.

     hy-vee today until five, then a softball game at six. i probably won't play, but i'll go to watch, if i can find the place. i also have a lot of writing to do tonight. homework and otherwise. almost finished with chapter three. some interesting developments. anyway, have a good one. later.

i see a little silhouette of a man...

     man, i'm really high maintenance, aren't i? no wonder i've been spending my time counting how many little bumps are on my ceiling. no, not really. i was just telling rora this, but it seems when one or two significant things start going haywire i suddenly get super-sensitive about stuff. my buddy plays it off, which frustrates me. then i get frustrated over the fact that i'm getting frustrated at all. i just need to unwind, you know? it's been taking me forever to fall asleep lately. i'm three weeks in and i'm already done with school. very little interest, which is NOT a good thing, especially with a test and semi-significant paper coming up this next week. i'm not entirely sure what's keeping me from falling apart completely, but something is. i've felt so distant from God for a while. it's really eating at me. i believe he's there, but it's really hard seeing him through any of this. but i'll keep on keepin' on.

     had a phone interview with scottsdale culinary institute tonight. i really need to figure out what's going to happen next. that's actually a huge worry right now, possibly the worry for me right now. the most lucrative job i could probably get would be hy-vee. and i'm getting so tired of that place. i have to figure out if i want to do grad. school right away, where i'm going to live, how i'm going to live. i'm afraid that i'm going to get swept up in something that will only sweep my book under the bed. my parents have already made it abundantly clear that i'm on my own when i finish my undergrad work, at which point they will give me a bill for college education and whatever other loans they've given me. word of wisdom from a crazy person: don't loan money to anyone, especially someone close to you. give it to them. loans completely change the relationship. and i'm not just saying that because i don't want to pay back my parents. of course i'm going to pay them, but it still strains everything. suddenly everything is business. anyway, the scottsdale thing went well. i talked to the admissions vp, who felt sorry for me, i think (i wasn't depressed to her or anything, but it was painfully obvious that i didn't know what i wanted to do). she talked to me for about 15 minutes on how i need to figure all of that out and decide how i want to do it. the rest was good, too, but it was basic stuff.

     well, i should go to bed. big day tomorrow. later.

question...

     am i a terribly unpleasant person?

another week...

     have you ever wondered what it would be like to view yourself from someone else's perspective? to be able to step out of your skin and take a good hard look at how you move, listen to how your voice sounds, watch those facial expressions that can only be teased out by life (as opposed to a mirror), evaluate how you react to certain situations or people, and finally be able to see if those jeans really make your butt look fat. i don't know. i definitely have. well, not about the butt part. i've kinda lost hope on that one. haha.

     so i'm starting to put out some feelers. i've run the first couple chapters of my story through a series of revisions and am sending it out to a couple people to see where they think it's going. i'll be finished with the third chapter pretty soon, at which point it can be sent to an agent/publisher for professional insight on where it's going. i really need to start getting serious about it. a friend of mine and i have been bandying ideas around, which has been kind of exciting.

     i've also sorta agreed to do something extremely stupid. i'm running in a race. stop laughing. a good friend of mine, bj, (who also happens to be my pastor) saw me running the other night, so sunday morning he and his wife (sue) asked if i wanted to be the third link in their half-marathon relay. 4.3 miles. haha. oh my. i told him i'd think about it, but it's a possibility. the point here is to finish, not to win.

     school is pointless. anyway, i need to get ready for work. caramel apple cider, anyone? later.

elmer ellis...

     haha. i'm at good ol' ellis library (the building top right over the crisscrossing walks), so i figured i'd better post something for tradition's sake. you know--the whole procrastination thing. most of the guys are out playing football on stankowski (mu's huge rec field - the blue/green thing bottom center), but i kinda suck at football and wasn't in the mood for making a fool of myself along with the rest of them.  good day, though, and i'm looking forward to my easy day tomorrow: gym in the morning, quick paper after that, then creative writing at two. the work's already rolling in, but it shouldn't be too bad. mostly reading.

 

     i think i reached my goal for the day, or at least i made a conscious effort to. it really is about attitude. well, i gotsta go. i might post something worth reading later. who knows. until then.

tortellini with marinara and cold milk...

     interesting day. today was my first day back at the como hy-vee and i was able to enjoy it as a courtesy clerk, which means i sacked groceries and pushed carts for seven hours. it wasn't that bad, but i really don't like being the hy-vee...er...person who does everything they're told. upon my return home i decided a nice cleansing jog would be good. i'm definitely out of shape, but it wasn't horrible, at least by my standards. i needed it. then i made supper. it was good.

     so that was my monday.

     i'm too pessimistic, i think. well, i was also told this. coldplay was good, but a little too depressing, so i've put lifehouse back up for now. tried to get a shawn mcdonald song, but the last minute or so was cut off. sad. but i love lifehouse. as for the first sentence of this paragraph, however, i think my goal for tomorrow shall be to be optimistic. i'm optimistic that i will survive even though i didn't do any of the required readings. yeah. i should get on that. seriously, though, i need to be more optimistic. things will work out. i'm going to finish my book. there is a girl out there crazy enough to date me. oh my, i might get in trouble with that last one. bad things pass away. "[and] like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach." i wasn't being very optimistic when i took down my site. i had a pretty dang good weekend, but i haven't really been able to see that until tonight when i had a good chat with a friend. the same friend, actually, that i've mentioned over the last few weeks. it's so easy for me to see the bad things that happen. i'm not sure why. but that has been weighing very heavy on my heart and it cast a darker light on things. i know he doesn't mean for things to come off a certain way. but sometimes they do just because i don't understand him completely or i'm looking at it from the wrong angle. i've been doing that quite a bit lately, and it's time to stop. i thought that he was blowing me off about some things, but tonight i found out he's been worried about me. it's really nice to know that someone cares about you (i'm not saying "someone" as in, "there's finally a person who..." but rather it's nice to find that this person in particular cares). amazing what communication can do. and thanks, katy. you're awesome. it's not quite there yet, but we'll get there, and i think it may end up being a better place than before. end weird paragraph.

     so that was the rest of my monday. i'm tired. i didn't get a thing done. time for bed.

time for a quickie...

     hey guys. well, i now have about a week of columbia under my belt and am settling in for the semester, which officially starts tomorrow. i'm kinda happy, though, cause i don't have classes on mondays or fridays so my semester doesn't start until tuesday, at which time i'll kick off the day with a class with brandon. totally didn't plan that one, nor do i think we would have, but i'm happy it worked that way. i'm not too worried about any of my classes, except once again my book list is thirteen strong. not quite half of those are books that i'd have chosen to read on my own (or at least i had some interest in reading them), so i can't complain too loudly. it should be a good semester, but i'm not uncrossing my fingers just yet.

     well, it's kind of a pathetic little entry, but i promise a better one soon. right now, though, i'm super tired and have to get up tomorrow morning to go to the gym because supposedly that's a good thing to do. supposedly. yeah, i'm going to try to be healthy. again. haha. good news, though, i'm already back down to around where i was at the beginning of summer. hopefully i'll get somewhere this year. hoping to do a lot of my own cooking, so that will help. had chicken and rice with mushrooms and roasted red peppers and squash tonight. good stuff.

     night all.

this one time at church camp...

      oh my. xanga, i need you. haha. i just told rora i was sick of unloading here and now i'm about to do it again (sorta). i'm not really sure why i'm so exhausted, but the last week and a half i've just been drained. the camp definitely took it out of me, but i don't think that was all of it. i don't know. i've worked the last couple days and struggled just to get through those. the next couple should be interesting, especially after yesterday. so i got in an accident. completely my fault. usually i'm really careful about talking on my cell if i'm driving, being sure to pay more attention to the road than the call. i don't know if it was the circumstances surrounding this particular call or my exhaustion, but just as i flipped my phone closed i had to slam on my breaks. bang boom crash. so there was a truck stopped at this stop light. it stopped before i did. i went about two and a half feet under the truck. we pulled off into an empty lot and we both get out, my mind is racing. this guy's gonna kill me. he gets out and is wearing a papa john's hat. mmm...pizza. he looks more worried than me, "are you okay?!" he was totally cool. there was very little damage to the truck. heh. a small little scrape, about two inches long ran under his bumper. you had to look for it. my car, however, had a bigger scrape on it. the hood retained its basic shape, but it is a bit rippled. very scraped up. being sure that we both still had all our limbs we decided not to worry about insurance (if i reported it, i would lose my 20% good driver discount), shook hands, and continued on our ways. it could have been much worse. but it's just been the sort of week that when i got back in my car i had to laugh to keep from doing anything else. it's like...what's next?

      and such. so camp...that was a long week, but it was a good experience. it's quite different to see things from the staff's point of view. sunday through wednesday were a bit warm for my tastes. the kitchen was easily over 120 degrees and the a/c in our cabin was regrettably broken. then on wednesday i neglected my sunblock when enjoying a dip in the pool. the color purple would be jealous. still feeling that one. the cooking was decent, considering we were on a budget. wednesday i was able to make some excellent rolls that i was very proud of. we made over 200 (for 72 people); there were about a dozen left which were quickly snagged by a few of the female staff. thursday we made this ice cream dessert that is my new love. then friday keira and i made a three-layer cake. the cake was good. unfortunately, it was a bit warm for the icing and it kept melting on us. we finally put the whole thing in the huge walk-in cooler and decorated it in there. used about two gallons of frosting and spent over an hour in the cooler. the other side of things turned out a little different than i thought. i mentioned how it was meant to be a sort of sabbatical. at the time, no, but in retrospect it wasn't as bad as i thought. thursday i was able to serve in the evening service with verle cornish and friday i went to the final campfire, which was awesome. when i came back saturday afternoon, things were just as i left them, but there have been a few steps in the right direction, at least. it's all gravy. heh.

      i leave you with this: the frozen log does not exist.

what that post actually said before i came to sense and edited it...

good night and good luck...

      it's nearly five in the morning and i really can't think of a better title than that. nor can i think at all, come to think of it. that doesn't count. i'm really tired, though. i've just freshly returned from a botched harry potter marathon. we only made it through two and a half of the four movies before we all were asleep. i did have a good time, though, and i was able to sample some of the best pancakes i've had in a long time. but i needed to get home and get some rest for a big day tomorrow. it's mostly going to be spent getting ready for camp and such, then i'm off for an entire week. i am excited about it, but it's not going to be easy. i kinda wish that the state of things here would have been better as i get ready to go on this week of service, but as it is i'm rather deflated and worn out. my heart really isn't in the right place, i guess. then again, he does specialize in broken hearts. i'm just really...spent...on being broken. and hoping for a mend is so far just a hope. it's not a bad thing, i don't think. i don't know if i'm meant to learn a lesson in this or if it will serve to bring things more closely together than before, but i'm really ready for things to start going somewhere, one way or another. this limbo kills. to be honest, i'm not even sure if i'm there anymore. the last month or so has just stung so many times over. every day, it seems. strangely, though, i'm fine. against my nature i'm still able to trust that it will all work out. funny how we can feel so many different things all at the same time.

      so i called my boss in columbia today to try to get on the schedule when i get down there. he said, "yeah, just stop by when you get here and we'll talk." kinda defeats the purpose of calling two weeks ahead of time, when he would be doing the schedule for the week i arrive. as it is i probably won't have work at least until the first week of school and maybe later. i need a job. i don't know if i should look for another, though, since hy-vee is so awesome about working around schedules. i really need to get some of these credit cards paid off before i'm on my own and trying to find a job on one of the most worthless degrees. had someone call me this evening from the cordon bleu institute in chicago. i've been looking online for a few schools, just dipping my toes in, i guess. i really want to write, but i need something to get me to a place where i can have freedom to do that. the parents said that this was the last year of their help, so things are going to get very interesting very fast come next summer. i don't know if more school would help me get there, though.

      for some reason i have a lot of hopes pinned on this next week. i'm kinda hoping that i'll be able to just sweat all this stuff out while i'm in that hot kitchen and come out the other side feeling a bit less pent up. a sort of  sabbatical, if you will. some of my problems are coming with me, though, so i suppose that could come out better or worse. we'll find out. i'm still looking forward to it, though. it's going to be good. i need to get some sleep, though. i've been typing for about forty minutes. have a good week, everyone. stay safe and stay sane. later.

ode on a breyer's carton...

      i've gained a total of fifteen pounds this summer. it's been kinda up and down, but man. that's not cool. and i heard on the radio the other day that the number one thing guys worry about is their weight, so don't tell me i'm weird.

      i'm feeling kinda homeless at the moment. in fact, i think it's a bit of homesickness. this place doesn't really feel like home anymore. columbia hits a little closer to the mark, but there isn't really a place there that i can call home either. homesick for a home that i don't have. hmm. i go back in two and a half weeks. it didn't go fast, but as i look back at it now it seems like it did. getting to the end of something is sometimes a bit disappointing. then again, i didn't really accomplish much this summer. not necessarily a bad thing. it's been nice to be able to breathe. and this year will be good. i'm being optimistic. we've switched over the bills and such, and i'm starting to be conscious of what i need to take down and how i'm going to make it down with all this junk.

      going to camp in a few days. haven't worked out when yet, odd story there. a bit part of this whole rift business playing a role, maybe. that's not exactly getting any better either. worse, if anything. but anyway, i'm getting excited about this camp. i'm helping to cook for a junior-high church camp. going to be an interesting experience. no air in the kitchen and three and a half meals (snack in the evening) for roughly one hundred (slightly less maybe? no idea) makes for a long day. i'm super-stoked, though. and a bit nervous. this might make or break my cooking ambitions.

      so i've taken up golfing. almost. i've been three times. the first two times i only had right-handed clubs (i'm a lefty) and i didn't do so well. the people i was with said that i was doing better with the right-handed clubs than they would with left, but i'm also somewhat ambidextrous and that shouldn't be an excuse. the third time we borrowed a friend's lefty clubs and i did significantly better. until i started getting tired, i wasn't doing worse than two over. i even made par on one hole. the last three were a tad lousy, though. anyway, i think i kinda like golfing. it'd be nice to be better. but i think i'm going to ask for some clubs for my birthday. the last few years i've had practical gifts from my parents (mostly car fixes), but i think it's time for one that's completely nonsensical...even though i should get something on my car fixed. lol. oh, well.

      saw "lady in the water" last weekend. loved it. heard he (shyamalan) was thinking about doing one or both of the last two harry potter movies. that would be awesome. there's a running joke among potterphiles that harry would get to the underground cave with all the inferi (bewitched corpses) and would say, eyes wide, "i see dead people." forgive me my obsession. i would recommend the movie, but it was a bit scary. i don't like scary movies. they scare me. but i really like what shyamalan has to say. and he's a good story teller.

      *sigh* later. i'm off to dream.