spem semper habemus...

       we always have hope. that was a quote from a latin story we had to translate. turned out to be the story of pandora's box. there's irony for you. so i think i'm dropping latin. yeah, i know. one of four classes that i actually wanted to take in my entire college career. i don't need it, though, and, frankly, i'm just not motivated. i think i would do better on my own anyway. or at least i can pretend. it wasn't turning out to be an easy class, but i wouldn't have called it difficult either. i'm just too burned out, i think. yes, i'm probably going to regret this decision for years down the road. it's never good to make decisions when you're not in the best of spirits, but i've been mulling it over for a couple days and i think i'm going to take advantage of my poor mood before i change my mind.

<pity party>
       if for any reason you had hoped that this might be one of my happy posts, i regret to inform you that it is not. so leave now and spare yourself the sigh and moan that will undoubtedly come when you read my whiny drivel. it's nothing new. surprise surprise. as coldplay says, "we never change." i don't know how much more of it i'm going to be able to take, though. i feel myself wearing down. saw "little miss sunshine" today. interesting movie. very odd, but i liked it, i think. they said something to the effect that the times spent suffering are the ones in which we grow and become the people we are meant to be, and that all the other ones are just wasted. haha. haven't wasted too much time for a while. i really, really want to believe that...that there's a reason for this. the longer it protracts, though, the more impossibly difficult it becomes to hold on to that belief. i used to be able to watch a good movie (one of my favorites) or read a good book and feel better about everything, if only for a while. but even that's beginning to be poisoned by this impossible loneliness. there is no diversion from it. there is no ease from the hopelessness. even God seems to be holding back, waiting to see what i do next. i haven't been to church since november. i want to go back and i don't. church has seemed to be sapping my energy. church people. we're so impossibly selfish and insensitive. there's no love anymore, or at least i can't feel it. went to rcm tonight. that was interesting. i appreciated the talk, actually, but it's the after part that gets me...the milling around and making small talk and being friendly with a bunch of people that would leave you behind in a blink. i'm just the weird one, though. the needy one. the one who isn't very good at sports and tags along with the people he wants to be like, but will never be. the one who wants to play basketball with them when they go, but he knows his friend is too competitive and will just get mad at him. the one who likes harry potter. the writer...no, i'd have to be published to be that. the one who took six years to finish a four-year degree (and no one, not even his parents, knows why). the one who sits at his computer and waits for the phone to ring or a message to pop up or someone to knock on his door. he'll wait forever there. the one who dreams and does nothing.
</pity party>

       that almost feels better. i'm listening to coldplay, too, so that kinda helps. depressing music always helps when you're depressed. odd, isn't it? i have a headache. i think i'll take a bottle of something and go to bed. ah, kidding (about the bottle, in case you wondered). believe it or not, i do remember the last time i was happy. i mean happy. i don't mean a simple good mood or fun times. those still happen, but i mean a time when i could go for months and never feel like this...when i could immerse myself in what i was doing and feel like i meant something to other people, like i was wanted or even needed. that was a dream, though. a long time ago.

       but we always have hope. even if it's just a little.

saepe peccamus...

       ok, so i'm back on the latin kick. at least this time i sort of (not really) have a vague understanding of what i'm saying instead of leaving it up to a translator program. i'm a nerd, i know. well, i have a confession to make. i've been cheating. on my diet. today was really bad, actually (i had a good reason!), but i'm starting to wonder about the whole diet thing. (excuse? maybe). i shouldn't obsess. that's not the right word, but it's close enough. a diet? i mean, come on. i think if i just focus on eating right instead of eating insanely right, i'd be better off. and there's the whole exercise thing. i actually made it to the gym today. (i'm sure you all really want to hear this). i ran. it was kinda pathetic, but i ran. i don't know why i get discouraged when i see others there (or even my friends) in better shape. haha. no one wants to date someone who's a little squidgy around the edges. but i'm determined for now, so i should at least take advantage of it. hey, the good thing about this diet is that i've become much better at cooking chicken. i never was very good at chicken. i'm definitely the desserts sort. but i made a mean (and yet so tender) chicken breast the other night. with steamed zucchini and yellow squash and jasmine-fennel rice (also tried ginger one night and i think i liked that better). i was proud.

       classes are going well. after two days i can still say that. impressive, i know. be jealous, rora, i only have two classes. yay for being almost done! latin won't be easy. i'll probably say it again. but i'm really starting to like it. then there's the whole idea of being able to tell people that i'm trilingual. does it still count if one is a dead language? why not. my second class is going to be a breeze, i think. i called my brother this afternoon after the class was let out, very nearly in tears. of happiness. according to the syllabus, we will be writing a total of twenty pages for the course. my jaw dropped when i read that. i just got out of a writing intensive course in which i had to write over one-hundred pages and here i have another w.i. course that will require just a score. how awesome is that? and we get extra credit for going to watch a few movies. heck yes.

       so...things. i guess this is where i say that these "things" are crazy. i don't know. life is just kinda crazy. but, tonight, at least, i'm happy. wow, that sentence had a lot of punctuation. i've realized that the thing with my friend...it just needs to disappear. ancient history. we're very different people and getting along with that is difficult enough to have something else dangling over it. he's one of my best friends. you have to hang on to those. after all, who else is going to stand up front with you when you get married? ugh. lots on the mind tonight. just watched no less than two love stories (serendipity, with the aforementioned friend--yeah, i know, odd for two guys to watch a chick-flick, but it's a good one; and a very long engagement with audrey tatou--also very good by the way), and i happen to be harboring, at the moment, a crush. on paper (a.k.a. facebook) we're perfect. she's incredible. and beautiful. i don't even know her (seriously, i met her extremely briefly, once, about two years ago), and she definitely doesn't know me. weird, i know. but there it is. currently trying to get up the courage to say something. i couldn't be more of a bumbler.

wenee weedee weekee...

       classes started today. i only had one, but i'm a little overwhelmed. i thought latin was going to be close to something i was more familiar with, like spanish. not as much, so far. i'm still excited, though. first days can always be a little crazy when you don't know the stuff yet. it'll be good. we went over pronunciation today and the professor (nice enough guy...i think he's my age) said that "v's" are pronounced as "w's" so the phrase veni vidi vici (i came, i saw, i conquered) seems a little less cool when it's pronounced like the title of this blog. 0 for 1 on the gym thing, too. meant to get in there today to run (put my gym bag in the locker before class and everything), then realized i forgot my socks. can't run without socks. i was looking forward to it, too. maybe tomorrow.

       everyone is back at the house now, which has made it a little less quiet. that's good. haha. i have my places to go when i need it.  haven't been to the library yet, or the piano room, but i'm planning on a trip to both soon. there's also a violinist in town this weekend that i'm thinking about seeing. i don't really have anything better to do on friday night. we'll see. nothing's changed, but i'm hoping to look at things a bit differently. wish me luck.

i need a piano...

       i could go for some ice cream right about now.

       so i started myself on a diet this week. laugh if you want. it's supposed to be a three week thing, so i guess i'm almost done with the first. so far i've gained weight. haha. not much, but some. i can't do anything right. granted, the thing did say avoid stepping on a scale the first week. maybe that's why? but i'm eating six meals a day, so i haven't been too hungry, though i do feel like i'm either eating or cooking all the time. and i've been feeling a bit sluggish. and all this eating right is kinda expensive. i'll be rather pissed if i end up not losing anything but money.

       so i'm back in columbia. i've been here since last saturday. it was kind of an impulsive decision to come back early, but i've been enjoying the quiet for the most part. quiet always has its drawbacks, but it's still good. "oh! the differences that often are between everything we want and what we really need" (nichole nordeman's "gratitude"). hmm.

       i think i might have found a huge reason, if not the cause, why i've had problems with one of my friends for over a year. the timeline fits perfectly. when it happened i thought it was something i was going to be able to get over. and in some ways i have. but in many others i haven't. it's affected so many different things. what sucks now is that i don't think i can do anything about it. i don't know whether i should say something or just live with it.

       synthia, i'm sorry, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to come up with six weird things about me that aren't just plain pathetic and/or a bit weirder than i'd like to admit. when you set that kind of task before a weird person, it's just about impossible.

       classes start tuesday. latin and agricultural journalism. haha. funny thing, the ag journalism is the one i need. well, not explicitly. i needed a 3000-level writing intensive course. everyone knows the ag classes are the bird courses, and i needed one of those. so i'm going to learn how to write business memos and e-mails. and learn a little latin. i flipped through the latin book already. so far i think i'm going to have a difficult time keeping my latin and spanish separate. we'll see. oh, yeah, and i have that online class that i signed up for last may and haven't started yet. need to do that. oh my.

       well, i'm sick of staring at a computer screen. take care all. later.

celebrity is as celebrity does. remember that...

     saw this on someone's myspace and thought it was interesting. haha. it doesn't really work, though, if it thinks i look anything like jude law! or any of those others, for that matter. still, it made me feel good for a little bit (particularly the jude law thing) and i got a good laugh.  

   

     busy day today. got my teeth cleaned, ears lowered, and plasma sold. risa (my hair person) was sad when i told her to chop off my curls. she wanted me to grow my hair out a little longer. someday, maybe. perhaps when my face is a little thinner. don't think i could get away with it otherwise. 

 

     happy new year, though! sorry it's a bit late, but i wasn't quite feeling a post yet. did any of you make any resolutions? i had a few myself. don't think i'll share them quite yet. maybe when you're older.

 

     tomorrow's my last day at work here in independence, then i'll be headed back to columbia before too long. i plan to be there at least by next monday. maybe earlier. we'll see. huh. well, i need to get back to my book. i like books. bet you wouldn't have guessed that of me? yeah. it's true. got lady in the water from netflix, too, so i'm excited about that one. well, later, celebraters! (yeah, i know that's not how you spell it, but there had to be an "e" so it was more like "later." yeah. shutup.)

the wyrd of me...

     it's been a weird day. reflective and slightly distorted and good and bad all at the same time. i wrote a rather harsh note to a friend this morning, but didn't send it (thank goodness). don't think i will, but the writing did help. sometimes i have pretend conversations with people in my head, kinda like practicing for the real thing, then i never have the real thing. funny how it always turns out differently if i do. but at least the conversations still help. i wrote the note with every intention of sending it. if i do, i'll probably scale it down a bit. it's just frustration. and anger. that's been building. for a long time. and nothing changes. no matter what. and i can't do it anymore.

     i think it's me.

     i've been thinking about taking up smoking. just to try it. i really think it's nasty and stupid, but i don't think it would change things much. i had one of brandon's dad's when we were there for the fourth of july. we were using them as punks. i'm not sure if that's how you spell that version of a punk. but we had to light the things somehow. his weren't that bad. my cousin made me try one of hers once. it was disgusting. camel menthol something or other. gross. and i've had a clove for dramatic purposes. those were weird. not bad, just weird. but the real things are supposed to make you lose weight? yeah, that'd be good. start smoking to lose weight. haha. my 2008 resolution will be to stop smoking. maybe a pipe would be better. i don't know the first thing about pipe smoking, though. that'd probably be cheaper? wikipedia? huh. still thinking. maybe not while i'm home. my mom would freak.

     i was thinking about doing one of those 'year-in-review' things, but realized that most of the months' entries would begin with "things are crazy" or something similar. i'm kinda disappointed with 2006. it was an almost entirely useless year. in fact, i think my life would have been much better had it not happened at all. haha, the year, i mean. heh. there are still a few days to go before i'm out of it, but i survived at least. my resolution was 'to persevere.' ...i guess i should have been more specific. but, all things considered, i think i did pretty well to get this far. i'm so tired of being angry and frustrated. i read a jkr interview this week (or last?) where she said that towards the beginning of writing harry, she had a year where she was just depressed. sure, she just had a divorce and was a single mom on welfare in a strange city, but still. it's almost heartening to hear that people i admire have struggled through tough times. and i look forward to when others will look at my life and say, well if he did it, i can too. because there are some things i wish i could tell you. but i can't until i'm far enough removed from them and famous and then it will be all right. or maybe i'll turn out to be a writing dud and then people won't say anything at all. i'm losing hope. and will. for anything. today was bad.

     there are so many things that i should have been doing today. but i escaped. haha. a little excursion purchased at hy-vee for $6.99 on tuesday morning while on the clock. shh, don't tell. it was eragon. (it's a book.) and i really like it. started out kinda painful. the author is like three months younger than me. kinda crazy? yes. but he started it when he was 15, so the writing gave me a few twinges and grimaces. he became a lot better, though, as he continued. now i can say it has been a sufficient escape. i didn't start it today, but i hadn't gotten very far in it before...probably around page 50 or 60. i'm past 400 now, and am going to go back to it before bed. hopefully i'll finish it tomorrow or saturday so i can go see the movie. we'll see. i like it when books are my friends. i like my book friends. they're nice. i want a saphira.

     so...fate. i've been feeling a lot lately like i'm fated to be like this. i don't want to be like this. i'm amiably skeptical about my hope for 2007. but i still hope. a guy can hope. even if nothing in the world makes sense, a guy can hope. so i should get to bed. i have to wake up at five. this schedule does not help my balance. hmm. anyway, i hope everyone had a good christmas. mine actually was. i forced myself away from everything else and tried to focus on what was going on right then. it was good. but i need sleep. and a book to get me there. so i'll talk to you later.

p.s. rora... don't give up on me yet.

christopher scott: chocolatier...

     i've spent the last two and a half days tempering and creaming and sugaring and flavoring and molding and freezing and remolding and refreezing and filling and remolding and refreezing then molding some more, all to come up with some couple hundred (more?) of these things. we're small scale here, so i was limited to making about six at a time, taking about 10-15 minutes per mold. yeah, i'm kinda sick of it now, but i still love it:

     the whole process, tedious as it is, is kinda centering. haha. i really love it. a key: the floral ones in the center are milk chocolate with creamy peppermint centers. the cool painted ones have a raspberry milk-chocolate ganache, the round ones are hard to tell here, but they're pretty obvious up close--peanut butter cups (with peanut butter fudge centers instead of the traditional p.b.), the square chocolate ones are supposed to be caramels, i know, but i didn't want to mess with caramel with only being able to do so few at a time and have to mess with the caramel setting up, so they're just a milk-chocolate ganache. and the big white-chocolate ones have a hazelnut dark-chocolate ganache. i made the most of the plain chocolate and peanut butter cups and the most difficult were the raspberry because i had to have the brilliant idea to have that paint-splatter design on them (white and milk chocolate). i probably made thirty of those and it took me about four hours. insane. but that was mostly because i used new molds this year and was too thick to get several molds of each shape, instead buying a few molds with all the shapes, so i could only do a few. anyway, that's over and i'm very glad to say that after all the plates were made i still have a few leftover. now if only i can stick to my plan of eating right and losing some weight over break. haha.

     it's been an odd break so far. not bad, really, but no matter how far i try to get from my problems they always seem to find me. kind of a painful reminder that the problems aren't really the sort that i can blame on someone else. i've forgotten how therapeutic cooking can be, though. i'm making lasagna for supper. sometimes it's really difficult to hope that it will get better. hmm. i'm in the mood for a movie tonight. and maybe a run. i have to get up really early tomorrow for work. i haven't been able to get up before10:30 so far this week. haha. and tomorrow i'm waking up at 5? oh my. wish me luck. i'll be around later. take care.

wikicrastination...

     i was rather amused when i checked my mail a few minutes ago and found this among my new messages:

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for requesting the Victoria's Secret Catalogue. 

You should receive your first issue within approximately
3- 4 weeks (U.S.) or 4- 6 weeks (outside the U.S.).

We look forward to bringing you a world of luxurious shopping wherever and
whenever it's convenient for you.

     no, i didn't request it. but i'd like to thank the person who did.  made me laugh.

     i love wikipedia. a little too much, i think. yes, i'm a registered user and editor. who isn't? i was doing some research this morning on virginia woolf for a paper that i'm writing about her, due today (right now, actually. i'm skipping the class it is due in to write it...yes, the last class of the semester), and from there found myself clicking links to about twenty different articles, soaking up the information. one of the ones i clicked was one of my favorite writers, author of the beast in the jungle, henry james. like him, i think, i'm a british wannabe. i found myself wanting to be a member of the obe (order of the british empire), or, like him, the om (order of merit). funny, i didn't see the order of the phoenix anywhere in their listings of the british honor systems. the grass is always greener, though, you know? i know what i see are the idealized versions. but one can dream of a simpler life, a life where i can settle down in a nice, comfortable hole with a round door along with my wife and a few children, where we can have parties under a big oak tree on warm summer nights with friends, and where i can write, inspired by the peace and nature and love.

     but then the dream melts back into a wintry, blustery day where i sit at a computer and procrastinate because i don't know why. it's hard to work when so much is on your mind. it's hard to work when you're afraid of, but almost entirely assured of failure. it's hard to work when you don't care at all about the work you're doing.

     back to it. if i don't get anything done now, then there's no chance of sleep (or a passing grade). later.

tired...

     they say that change begins in that moment when you realize you can't take any more. let me tell you, friends, i'm hurting for change. school is almost done, thankfully. this time next week i'll be either home or close to it. but then there are the hours, the days, the weeks at home sitting alone and wondering what my friends are doing, wondering why they haven't called, wondering if i should call them. i don't want to end up as one of those unhappy characters, the ones that don't believe in love anymore for whatever reason. i read about those characters. it never ends well for them. if change begins in that moment when you realize you can't take any more, i've been changing for a long time. i feel myself becoming one of those characters. i'm honestly not sure that i really believe in love anymore. tell me, how do you change from that?

     currently sitting in ellis. it's been ages since i've done this. i'm supposed to be revising a short story for my creative writing class, but somehow it's not on my jump-drive anymore and the one on here is too old. i'll just e-mail it to her later. i have two other papers to write tonight. my professor in another class gave us an extension on our paper, otherwise i'd have that to do also. i got about four and a half hours of sleep last night. worked this morning. i know i'm not the only one. but i'm just tired. last night wasn't good. i'm dreading school being out, but i really can't wait to be done with these classes.

     i can't see how things are going to get better. it's not despair. when you struggle with something or someone for so long, eventually you just run out. you're tired of it. i don't think i did anything, or at least i don't know if i did. or if it's just me--if it's just who i am. sometimes people are just too different. i have to believe that God know's what he's doing. i have to believe that this isn't just a test that i'm failing miserably. i have to believe that there's a plan in all this, that good will come of it. i want to be a friend. but i don't know how.

snow day!

     this is so awesome! sixteen inches of snow, they're now saying is the official amount of snow we received last night. i was supposed to work at seven this morning, woke up around five-thirty/six and looked outside to see everything covered! even my window (second story) had a drift covering the bottom foot or so (there's about a two and a half foot drift on our garage), and i looked out at my car and noticed i could only just see the tops of my headlights. so i went back to bed. i called my boss first, though, who said not to even try until at least the road crews come through. i'm hoping they take a while, especially since they're probably still working on the interstate, which was closed! mu canceled classes for the first time in eleven years, so everyone's all excited. might have a party later.

     last night the guys here sat down and watched "superman returns" with a few pizzas. very nice. i was worried about having to wake up early, so i went to bed right after the movie ended. the others were so loud, though, i couldn't sleep. when i went down to ask them to keep it down a little, i decided that work probably wasn't going to happen, so we had some fun. including running around the house in just shorts and a t-shirt (brandon decided he didn't need the t-shirt, even, and took a nice little roll in the snow). my toes got a little cold. there were other guys playing football in the road, and still more people down the street playing around. it was fun.

     i think i'm going to write some now...for fun. how long has it been since i've done that? i'm really enjoying this. and i really hope the plows take their time. wherever you are, be safe, if you had the same thing. enjoy it. later, friends!

rainy old days...

     good morning, friends. well, i guess there's not much of the morning left, but good morning anyway. we've had thundershowers here most of the morning, which have been pretty calming. i opened my window and was listening to the rain on the shingles and as it washed through the gutters. my window has access to the roof of our garage and last night i went out there and laid on the roof and watched the stars and the clouds. it's so good to just disconnect from everything going on sometimes and spend some time with God. school has been insane. i know i've said that a lot this semester. i didn't get any work done over break, which i'm almost regretting now. i say 'almost' because i really enjoyed having that break. saturday night, though, it was right back to it. oops...i gotsta go. classes and such. what an inconvenience. later!

when the tryptophan wears off...

     today was interesting. you might think that there would be an interesting story to follow that statement, but there isn't one. sorry to disappoint. it's only interesting as i look at it and turn it over in my head and wonder. it was fairly normal, actually, which means quite boring--another seemingly insignificant day in an uninteresting life. it started slow. i set my alarm for 6:45am and slept until roughly 8:30. i ran around packing, only to realize that hurrying wouldn't matter because i had to wait for the mail to come anyway. so i put up my grandma's christmas tree for her. then on my way out i forgot to check the mail box (i was expecting a movie--i love netflix) and was nearly to the interstate when i realized i'd forgotten. so i went back. it hadn't come yet, so i went back inside and turned on the game. that's right, all you kansas people, mizzou rocks. it was kinda funny having to start the game on a station that said "this is jayhawk football" and finish on a station that said "mizzou football" (when the mail finally did come, i started driving to columbia, listening to the game as i went, ultimately having to change stations between kc and here). made it a little odd to get used to booing when the announcers got excited on the first station, only to have to switch over and get used to cheering again when the announcers were excited, when i had previously been used to booing.

     i arrived in columbia much later than i had hoped, but no worries. i raced to ellis before they closed (early because of the holiday) and printed the bulletins for church tomorrow, then made a trip to wal-mart where i spent much more than i have and ended up not having much for it. watched another few episodes of smallville (the disc i received from netflix--kind of ashamed to admit it, but it's terribly addicting) and wrestled with a bit of loneliness, mostly because of something insignificant that happened. dang dramatic irony. life's so full of it. ended up being not a big deal at all. had a little blue bell peppermint ice cream (the best) to calm my nerves and fatten me up, then i spent roughly an hour playing spider solitaire with brandon, or rather watching brandon play spider solitaire and pointing over his shoulder at things he'd missed. then we plotted how best to deck out our house in multicolored christmas lights. i came back upstairs and finished off the smallville disc and decided to do something of a journal entry for once on xanga, rather than the usual. and here i am. not a bad day, after all.

     i'm amiably skeptical, but there seems to be a buzz in the air. could be the fact that there are only two weeks left of classes (i only have one final on monday of the third week). could be something else. but the thought that there are only two weeks left of the semester and that there's actually a chance that i might see the other side of it is very refreshing. true, i'm going to be working like a (insert colloquialism of choice here), but there's still that chance. and maybe, just maybe, things might be starting to work out. oh, and if you would, please be on the lookout for a good girl that's just absolutely beautiful and doesn't mind a guy who's a little chubby and just the tiniest bit (just a little) neurotic. because as much fun as it is to play spider solitaire with brandon and watch smallville on dvd, ...yeah. you get it. later on, friends.

for synthia...

     synthia wanted me to post a picture of my glasses, so here it is. enjoy? headed back to good ol' como tomorrow. i really need to get some work done. prospect's bleak. later.

3, 2, 1, lights...

      tonight marked the 81st plaza lighting ceremony...the official start to the christmas season for us kansas citians. for those who don't now, "the plaza" is a high-end shopping section of downtown kansas city. lots of cool places, including some amazing eateries. the tower in the background of this picture is actually part of one of my favorite restaurants--the cheesecake factory. love that place. back in my younger, more rebellious days, this girl i used to date and i snuck up into that tower. we didn't get far before we chickened out, but it was still fun. the lighting is definitely a huge tradition, though. i missed it last year, but this year brandon and i went up. we kinda got lost on our way there...neither of us travel downtown very often. but with the help of a friend on the phone we were able to find the right road to get on, broadway (of course), which we were driving at just the moment when they turned on the lights and started the fireworks. we weren't going to miss out on the fun, though, so we found a place to park (took forever) then just walked around a few blocks taking it all in. saw several musicians and one street dancer, who was accepting challenges by some in the small crowd that was gathered around him. i wish i could say that i jumped in there and tore it up. alas, i didn't have my dancing shoes with me--or i would have. oh yes. but we were there for about an hour and a half--walking, talking, admiring the gir--er--scenery. lights. yes, the lights. best of all, though, was being able to spend some good time with a really good friend. i needed that. a lot.

     it was an awesome night, though. the perfect wind-down to a pretty darn good break, i have to say. i've accomplished almost zero and i completely passed up just about every opportunity to be healthy (man, starting monday i'm really gonna need to crack down). after i got back tonight i watched a movie with my mom and put up the lights on our christmas tree. i'm the only one that she'll trust to do it because i'm just that good. you have to look for the wires on that thing, i kid you not. no, it didn't snow (we actually broke the record for a warm thanksgiving today), but i was definitely in the christmas mood (hence the change of site).

     speaking of a change in site (or, rather, sight), i got a new pair of glasses this week. a very good thing, since i've had my last pair since my junior year of high school. yeah. my prescription has changed somewhat since then. took me seven hours to get the stupid things, though, and trips to three different places. got my exam at the first, who then said, "okay, that will be $270" (after advertising something closer to $70). that was a big "no, thank you" believe it or not, wal-mart was actually more expensive than them. the third place i went to, i figured would be even higher, but they had some huge sale. acually, the sale had ended the week before, but the girl told me that since it was their mistake (in telling me otherwise) that she would give me the sale price. so i ended up paying only $100 there, not including the $54 exam from before. it's really nice being able to see, though. wow. i can read now. haven't decided about the frames. a cute girl who worked at the place picked them out for me, so of course i went with it. still trying to get used to them.

     so i quit facebook. those of you who are friends of mine on there, don't worry, i didn't block you. and i didn't quit for good, but i've kinda grounded myself from it for a little while. i'm hoping this way i might spend my time being a little more productive. haha. no, it's not a perfect plan, but who knows. i only bring it up because brandon was upset (he thought i blocked him), which is actually sort of a nice feeling, being missed, but i didn't want anyone to go crazy on me. i have so much work to do, though. crazy. i bought a book while wandering the mall last night--the complete tales of peter pan by j.m. barrie. i really like it. and, yes, that's kinda taken the place of facebook, so it didn't do that much good as far as trying to get things done goes. oh, well. hey, i'm really tired, though, and should probably get some sleep tonight before i procrastinate everything tomorrow by doing almost nothing at all. man, i can't wait until christmas break. and i really hope this feeling lasts. hope you all had an awesome thanksgiving, though. please share. and i'll talk to you later.

happy turkey day...

the hiding place...

     it's probably altogether unnecessary and unwise for me to admit this, but i'm a bit of a stalker. xanga and facebook have sparked and fueled my vicarious lifestyle, but i've found that it's really the only kind of life i seem to have available to me at the moment. okay, perhaps not, but other people's lives are still infinitely more interesting than mine. i stumbled across one particularly introspective post this evening that could have been written by me. in fact, i think i'm about to write a few very similar things that this young man did (though i will probably take it in a slightly different direction), and i hope if he stumbles upon it that there would be no offense. this is simply from my perspetive.

     you've read it over and over again this semester, if in fact you've had the strength to submit yourself to the reading of such drivel, but it's been a tough time. i've (intentionally and not) limited many of the unhappier posts to general complaints or unsatisfactory comments on the nature of things, which i'm sure was all very boring and insanely redundant, but i was never really honest about them. unfortunately, i can't say that complete honesty will be used now--such a thing would probably be more than foolish--but at least i won't lie to you (if i've lost your attention already, feel free to exit without any risk of hurt feelings). anyway, particularly this year, i've been made increasingly aware of how different and how lost and disconnected i am. relationships that i honestly thought were rich and deep and dynamic have proven to be thin and shallow and stagnant. i can honestly say that, with the exception of my nearly-dysfunctional family, i really don't know who my friends are. one that i thought was closer than others has even admitted to me that they were trying to push me away and keep me at a distance. on top of this, and perhaps magnified by it, it has truly been a difficult semester. i have had so much work to do that most of it is never finished on time, if at all. and then there's the financial issues. i haven't had a decent paycheck in over a month simply because they stopped scheduling me. oh, wait, i worked one shift (four hours) the week before last. i've seriously been going crazy. and because i'm just stupid, probaby, i've completely allowed my relationship with Jesus to just slip away almost entirely. i barely pray anymore, and when i do it's mechanical and unfeeling. it's hard not to think that all of this is some sort of punishment. that old matt west song that i've quoted on here a million times suddenly comes to mind--"well all my friends are gone now, and all my money's gone now, and all my pride has gone now, but if what you say is true now--this will be my finest hour." man, that's hard to trust. but what else have i to cling to?

     tonight i just finished the hiding place by corrie ten boom. amazing book. i read a shortened version of it when i was younger, or at least i knew the story, but reading it now was so much different. i'm still trying so desperately to cling to the hope that is in that book, to look at the suffering that they had to endure and to see all of the many ways that God worked in their lives to make everything work out for incredible good. yet here i am, infinitely better off than them, still wallowing in my selfishness and wondering how things could ever get better. makes a person feel very small. i caught myself at several points along the way, thinking to myself and trying to reason how my circumstances were so much different and how my suffering is so much different and how much more God loved her because she was actually doing something of worth and that i was too small to be noticed by God. how incredibly proud and stupid of me.

     even now i'm wrestling with what to feel. a part of me wants to be the victim, to be the one that is suffering, to have an excuse for all of the things that are going on, but another part is wondering how i could have ever felt sorry for myself when there is so much joy and so much hope and so much to do. then i tell myself that it would be so much better if i were not so alone. if i didn't have to feel that kind of pain, i could work so much more effectively.

     but, just like corrie realized, it's not my work, is it? it's not my strength. anything good that comes from any of my efforts will not be from me. i am a mess. i am pain and loneliness and conflict. i can't keep friends, i can't pass my classes, i can't take care of myself. but there is this awesome Place where i can go to hide. there is so much chaos outside the will of God. i pray that i may stay inside it, and i pray that He will use me.

     i wrote this tonight. it's an excerpt from what is now chapter nine, but since four of the preceding chapters have very little or nothing to them, i'm not quite sure where it will end up. it fits and it doesn't, but i wanted to let you read it--something good out of a tough night:

          Mary stopped short. On the other side of the dungeon, from behind one of the many pillars that supported the great castle above them, a light was shining. Slowly she crept toward it, nervous that any sudden movements might make it flee. When she reached the pillar, she stood on the darkened side of it and ran a hand along the rough stone, then, using it almost as a hiding place from the strange phenomenon, she leaned slowly around and looked behind. There she saw, high up in the wall, a small window crossed with iron bars, and behind it, a beautiful, full moon. The light from it streamed through the narrow window and caused a beam of broken light to fall on the floor just a few feet away from where Mary stood behind the pillar.
          Carefully, so as not to break the spell, Mary walked toward this ray in the palpable darkness and slowly reached her hand into the bright stream of light, finding that it was perhaps even more tangible than the darkness that otherwise surrounded her. She turned her hand over, feeling the beams as they wound around her fingers, and she wondered at the energy that seemed to spark up her arm. Finally, she stepped fully into the moonlight, letting it caress her and warm her heart, even if it could not warm her body.
          Mary looked at the moon and remembered what she had learned in school: that it reflected the light of the sun, and that even the great oceans of the earth were drawn to it, that the tides were turned by this otherwise cold and gray thing. From that moment, Mary found growing within her a new hope—a new purpose. There was only one thing that she was meant to do, and that was the greatest job of all—to reflect the light that was given to her.

     i'll have to put that song up once i have a decent internet connection again. i'm home, by the way, which has been good. more later. take care.

verisimilitude...

     hi. new tenebra_ruo post of the story i submitted (and wrote) today. click here or follow the link at the top. it's protected, so if you want in, just ask, and i'll think about it. please don't be offended, though, if i don't add you. it's not a club for cool people only. i don't even let my family read my stories. some of you i've already added, though. the only condition being that if you read it, i want a critique.

     i'm so tired. still recovering from the olympics, which were fun, but draining. the last few days haven't helped, though, with writing non-stop. i'm kinda sick of writing, but i'm still in the mood for it. maybe over break i'll bust out a couple more chapters. lol. after tomorrow i'll be good, though. or at least for a little while. i'm going to have a lot of work to do. two papers due the tuesday after, one fifteen-pager, one eight-pager. i really hope that this is going to be my last difficult semester. no, next semester shouldn't be bad at all, but who knows what's after that.

     kind of a crazy night. don't worry, i'm not going to get into it. i'm too tired to feel much, but it's the kind of tired that doesn't respond to sleep. then again, i did just give plasma, so that could be it, too. but i'm tired of really, really crappy relationships being the majority of the ones i have, i'm tired of just getting by, and i'm really tired of being out of shape. maybe tomorrow i can start again, but at least over break i want to start getting there. the other things, i don't know what to do to fix them.

     it was a pretty good day, though, believe it or not. i spent about four hours writing, so that's always fun (or it is when it's the sort of writing i like to do). my soul needs a nap. okay, friends, i'll talk to you later. take care.

last minute...

     i'm not built for this. i know it's not true, but it's hard to think of it as anything but one of God's cruel jokes to make someone who hates being alone just to put them in a lonely life, then dangle juicy steaks of other people being happy with all of their companions in front and always out of reach. my buddy will's twenty-ninth sonnet (click) comes to mind, but i don't really have a love to haply think on.

     man, this mood really sucks for the paper i have to write tonight. ten pages. yeah, i'm gonna fail.

ramblings of a beggar...

     funny how you can be surrounded by people, even those whom you call friends, and still be completely and hopelessly alone. though i guess i'm not entirely alone, huh? but there's something to that whole "being able to see them" thing. so how do you make it in a place where you don't belong? ah, there's something to explore in the wishing well. assuming i ever get back to writing it. goodness, i suck at life. so things are falling apart. or i am. can't really tell the difference. and while it's not exactly a fun thing to experience, i'm kinda not really feeling it anymore. apathetic may not be the right word for it. i don't really think that i'll ever get to that point--to not care at all. i think the problem is that i care too much. but i can pretend not to care and it makes me feel a little better. i gave plasma today, or at least that's what i'm going to blame this funk on. i can't really use that as an excuse, but it does drain you for a while. it's been so long since i've been to this particular center that they set me up as a new donor, meaning new donor bonuses, so i was happy about that. went and got something to eat to celebrate. now i have to do homework. but i want to read and write. not schoolwork. starting to think that canada might not be a bad idea after all. or mexico. either works. always wanted to go to oaxaca. friend of mine told me that the guelaguetza (a festival) there is absolutely awesome. i think that's only in the summer, though.

     why is it taking so long for artemis to realize that minerva is really opal in disguise? it's frustrating when you can figure out the book miles before the characters do. still love it, though. yeah, to heck with homework. i quit. who's with me? oh, right. yeah, i almost forgot for a minute. my bad.

     grain of salt, my friends. or maybe a block of it would be more appropriate. later, taters.

moving to canada...

     hmm. just about everything i voted on went the other way. kinda crazy. so i've decided that the wild and crazy thing that i'm going to do is move to canada, build a log cabin, and become a hermit. won't have to worry about school, politics, crazy relationships, or any of that. i could live off the land, except i'd still have to have electricity. and running water. and a computer with internet access, of course.

     i'm becoming apathetic. no, not about politics. i really don't care about those (that was a joke). i've just reached that point in the semester where i don't really care anymore. funny, the thought isn't as liberating as i expected it to be. my goodness, this is frustrating.

     i need some sanity in my life.

     so a new taco bell opened this monday, just a couple blocks away from us. yeah, that's right. be jealous.

     i can't wait for thanksgiving. it means this week and the next will be over.

     yeah, i'm done. later.