channeling ebenezer...

       tonight i've been sitting in my room with the lights off, looking out my window at the sparkling snow-covered hills spotted with the occasional dark shape of a tree. the full moon is casting shadows on the snow through a clump of poplars, and i imagine that the the wiry shadows are slithering across the ground, waiting to ensnare their next unsuspecting victim. the stars seem brighter in this place. and i love how the snow makes everything feel so silent and still. we have twenty-two acres here in the outskirts of independence, missouri, and my imagination has soared with each one. but it's different tonight. a darkness seems to be creeping in. and not even my reveries can remove me from everything that i know i'll have to go back to.

       i'm home. that has helped enormously. i drove home last night and it took me about three and a half hours to make the usual hour and a half trip. we had a mini-blizzard, as a friend described it. the interstate was a death trap. but i'm home.

       i can feel myself slipping even more. you may remember in the film version of order of the phoenix when harry is worried that he is becoming...well...evil. no, i don't think i'm becoming evil, but i feel myself becoming someone i don't want to be. i'm afraid i've become jaded, distrustful, and unwilling to allow myself to open up to others. when someone touches me, even the smallest touch, i catch myself wishing that they wouldn't. but, contradiction that i am, i want nothing more. i even tried going on a date the other night. friday night. a girl from work. panera, air hockey, and national treasure 2. we had a really good, although slightly awkward time. but i am so afraid of becoming emotionally involved with anyone. i told her that i wanted to be friends. a girl finally likes me--definitely not something that happens very often--and i tell her i want to be friends. no, she's not everything i've dreamed of. i wonder if i'm a fool to hold onto that hope that there is someone out there that would be perfect for me (not perfect, mind, just perfect for me). but i think that's a different issue. it doesn't help that everyone i know, seemingly, has someone to be with. friends are getting engaged left and right. even the person i considered my best friend, someone much like me except more normal, has someone. even he's forgetting about me. everyone leaves me eventually; they go back to their own friends, their own lives. that's the way things go.

       i'm starting to feel like i've removed myself from my life and hit the fast-forward button, sitting back and watching it go by. then again, it's not much to look at. i know it's too soon to give up hope. but i know who i am. i know what i'm like. i start to wonder if the person who could reach me doesn't exist. and divine intervention starts to feel like a fairy tale with ghosts of christmases and talking door knockers. i want so bad for the imaginary world outside my window to swallow me up so i'd never have to turn the lights in my room back on.

the first four years...

       it's been four years (on the 7th) since i joined xanga. kinda wish i could have those years of my life back now. not my life in the xanga-verse, but my life everywhere else. kinda wish none of it had ever happened, actually. i remember exactly where i was then. physically, i was about 50 steps from this very spot, sitting at my desk and looking out my window to the dark street below and across the street to the still-lit buildings of the university where students were working late into the night to study and finish up projects. kind of interesting that i'm really not very far from where i was then. i'm honestly not sure about where i was mentally or emotionally. if anything, i've probably regressed over the last few years. there's a big difference between my first posts and this one. back then i wanted to share my life with people. i wanted to become someone. now i'm trying to shut people out, trying to forget them, trying to make it through one hour after another while remembering the someone i wanted to be and trying to reconcile that with who i am now.

       right now i'm sitting on my very lumpy futon, blinds drawn, but through the curtain on my door i can look across the street to the still-lit buildings of the university. and i kinda want to be there with them. but not as me. as one of them. four years ago i wouldn't have expected to be where i am right now. i think i would have saved myself the trouble.

       i need to sleep. to sleep, perchance to dream.

oh, that's right...

       i remember, now, why i stopped posting. something to do with the fact that i don't have anything worth saying anymore. nothing to report. nothing to talk about. not really, anyway. i haven't slept in 48 hours--i guess that's kinda interesting. well, it's not entirely accurate either. i took about a 2 hour nap after breakfast today (around 9am). i was just talking with a couple friends. yes, believe it or not (i still don't really believe it) i do have one or two of those. the conversation was engaging at times and a little crude at others, but i stayed up because i just wanted to connect with people. i don't really remember how that works anymore. i've all but decided, though, to do away with friends. close friends, at least. i just want to stay in my apartment and only come out when absolutely necessary. i don't want to go to work, i don't want to go to church, and i definitely don't want to go out into the common room.

       watch, i'll be out there tomorrow.

       i'm just tired of investing in relationships. i'm tired of putting so much of myself into something to have it so easily brushed aside, to be so easily forgotten. basically, i'm tired of falling in love with people. i don't have the strength for it right now. i don't have the resilience to bounce back. yeah, they say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. i'm willing to bet that at least one of you was thinking that. but i don't believe it. i'm just done with it. for a little while, at least.

       it wasn't really the day. something did happen that kinda made things worse. ok, a lot worse. but i've been coming to this for a while now. i just don't have it in me at the moment.

       know what the funny thing is? i'm supposed to preach this coming sunday. this should be interesting.

happy thanksgiving...

       it snowed on my way home from columbia last night, hence the change in scenery. i was ready for it, too. it's good to be home. right now i'm sitting by the fire and watching a movie with the 'rents. i was supposed to be going to the plaza lighting with friends -- well, i was going largely to see brandon. i don't know. i don't like large groups and i wasn't really feeling very social. and i wasn't sure of the plans. so i'm home. and i'm comfortable.

       it really has been good to be back. this is the first time i've been back since june, and i was happy to see that my cat still remembered me. after teaching my grandmother how to play tennis and bowling on the wii (quite fun), i made dessert for our big family thing today. pecan pie, french silk pie, and baked caramel apples. dinner was fun. smaller than usual and the kids seemed to be more energetic than ever. which means i got them. so i riled them up properly, then sent them back to their parents. they had it coming.

       i probably should have gone to the plaza. we might be doing something tomorrow instead, though. anyway, i didn't really have anything to say, but i wanted to wish you all a happy thanksgiving. take care.

a thrill of hope...

       i think my emotions are broken. they keep doing their own thing without consulting me first. the good news is that i officially have health insurance through work, so i wonder if a trip to the corner head shrinker would be covered. that'd be nice. i should check that out.

       i love josh groban's christmas cd. it's awesome. except it doesn't have "oh holy night" on it, which is my favorite christmas song, so i had to burn a copy with it on there. all's well now.

       i made an incredible chicken and potato soup tonight. it would have been perfect if there hadn't been a freak heat wave that took us into the 70s today. but we're supposed to have snow on thanksgiving day, so it's all good. yeah, the high tomorrow is 43. that's missouri for you. and in case you were wondering, yes, the weather does directly affect the taste of soup. i made bananas foster last night because i'd never made them before and i wanted to try it. it was insanely fun. and i definitely singed off half the hair on my right hand and set off the fire alarms in the first floor of the house. but it tasted pretty good (the dessert, not the singed hair--definitely didn't taste that, but it smelled funny). i don't really like bananas, though. i should have thought of that first.

       i want to write again.

       i want one of these. anyone want to get me a christmas present? it looks awesome. unfortunately it will have to come down in price by about $349.99 for me to be able to think about splurging on it. but it's still cool.

       i love the title of this post. it has nothing to do with the post itself except i was listening to the aforementioned favorite christmas song when i began typing and those words jumped out at me. they're so perfect. especially for me, right now. i really am crazy. but i get to drive home on wednesday night and i'm really looking forward to having a couple days off. i'm really hoping that it will be nice. anyway, i need sleep. take care all.

um...hi...

       not really sure what to say after going so long without a post. i've been busy. too busy. the excitement of making candy at a candy store kinda wore off in mid-august, and now i'm just trying to keep up during a crazy season (halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas all on top of each other), doing the job of (at least) two people while trying to appease four bosses who don't communicate (with me or each other), and coping with equipment that works only part of the time. oh, and did i mention that my bosses are insane? and that's just the first job. things at the house are running smoothly, at least with the residents. not so much with the management.

       and that about brings you up to speed. i've pretty much given up on any kind of social life, understanding that no somewhat intelligent and moderately attractive girl would ever be interested in me. i've grown insanely fat, and ambitious as i may be, the day just takes way too much out of me for there to be any energy reserved to go to the gym. i've all but stopped writing. but i haven't entirely given up on that yet. call it being discouraged. i have renewed my interests in music, though, but that's still being nurtured. slowly. very slowly. in fact it's still on the "to do" list. along with going to the gym. and everything else.

       i'm going home this week for the first time since the end of june. i miss my cat. i'm leaving wednesday night after work and driving in the car for which i recently paid half its worth (and about half a month's paychecks) to people i probably shouldn't have trusted to fix it. they actually left trash in my car along with the pleasant aroma of grease and gasoline. until then, the house is nearly empty and i ran out of instant watch time on my netflix. yes, that is why i'm updating. now i have to wait until wednesday before i can finish season three of the office.

       highlight of my day: today i started listening to christmas music. lovely.

       later, taters. hope all is well.

pointless update #826...

       so it's been a while. what have you all been up to? hopefully all's well. nothing really new or exciting going on here, hence my lack of posts. in fact, things have been pretty much exactly the same. yup.

       except i'm considering trashing my book. i haven't worked on it seriously since spring break. looked at it tonight and it was bad. almost painful. after two and a half years, the wishing well might not be. i'm not making a decision yet because external influences might be playing a part. but right now i'm just not feeling it.

       and i bought a wii. it makes me happy. i hardly play it, but it brings other people into my room and it's fun. i've never owned a gaming system before. i don't have many games for it yet, so it'll be better once i get a couple. guitar hero three comes out in october! and super smash bros. brawl in december. haha. and i'm getting zelda this week.

       the novelty of the candy factory has officially worn off. it's a job. parts of it i still like. but parts of it are kinda driving me crazy. for now the paycheck is keeping me where i am. it's nice to have a paycheck.

       i'm tired. i'm going to bed. let me know how everything's going. i'm bad about getting around to everyone, i know, and i'm sorry. and there aren't that many to "get around to." i usually just get on at bad times. erg. i love you guys. i'll be around eventually.

random hairiness...

       checking xanga and facebook has become part of my morning routine recently--a pretty dangerous addition, i think, when i could be sucked easily into an interesting post or become too curious about who said what to whom (facebook stalker style) and make myself late for work. i like to allow myself a lot of time in the mornings, though, so i have time to wake up. i don't like to be rushed.

       funny story. well, not so much funny (haha) as funny (rolling eyes). yesterday was hot and humid, see? extremely. heat index was around 110 or so. anyway, my hair is a bit wavy in places and almost kinda curly in others (not quite), but in that kind of heat it all goes poofy and i look like a mushroom head. so i haven't had a haircut since about april and it's getting kinda shaggy and i was going crazy yesterday, so last night i made the (stupid?) decision to cut it myself. yeah. this is where you can laugh. i did a little research online to figure out how it was done and combined that with my many observations of how risa has cut my hair, then said a big prayer and set to work. it took me over two hours, but i think i finally got it to look somewhat decent. there are a couple places that are a little uneven, but they're not obvious (and i'll probably fix it tonight), and i might have cut it a little close, but it's not that bad, i hope. we'll see today when i walk into work if people start laughing. 

       we're running the ganache today that we made yesterday. he didn't get the teas/flavorings i had hoped for, so it's not as good as i'd like but it's not bad either. i'm a little nervous about it all getting sucked into the enrobing machine and wasting hundreds of dollars worth of chocolate. we'll see what happens. have a good one, all. later.

too tired to think of a titillating title...

       i gave plasma today for what will hopefully be the second to last time. as a result i'm pretty drained, physically and emotionally, so i'll try to refrain from talking about all of the crazy/scary things going on in my head at the moment. hopefully that will spare me some dignity. i said some. i'm just ready to have friends around again. and i need a gym membership so i can find a little self-confidence again.

       i've mentioned that i've been developing a line of artisan chocolates. so yesterday we ran a test of one of my ganaches. i made a chai ganache, which was pretty much awesome. the test went well, but we still have to refine it some for making it on a large scale. when mike (the owner) tasted it, his eyes got big and he kept saying "this is really good." so today i gave him the report i'd been working on and now he wants us to start making as many as 15 flavors for the line. i gave him a list of flavors i've been working on already, but we still have a few spots to fill. he's going to be ordering what we need, including a couple food-grade airbrushes to paint the chocolates, which i was pretty surprised about but super-stoked. i had included that in the report, but i figured it wouldn't be a step we'd take for a while. but we're going all out. so after all of this, i hope it works! some of the flavors i've been working on include chai, earl grey tea, lavender honey, mayan chocolate, mocha, then of course the old favorites like mint, amaretto, raspberry, etc. i think we're going to start production sometime next week. i'm excited.

       there was something else that i was going to talk about, but now i can't remember what. oh, well. i need to get to bed. another big day tomorrow. later.

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth...

       everything's so strange now. while i love the job, i really hate the full-time thing. just don't have time for anything anymore. i feel like i'm beginning to get used to it, though, finding a sort of routine. it kinda scares me, though, that i'm missing something. i feel like i'm missing something. suddenly friendships, writing, church--in short all of those things that are most important to me--aren't priorities anymore. and my best friend is my co-worker, kris, who i've known for not quite two weeks (but is eerily very much like me). my life is that job. i don't much care for that thought.

       i'm not going to explain the title, but you'll probably be able to pick up on the source and extrapolate the situation. it is a good song. i'm just tired of excuses and run-around and hearing one thing and seeing another. i'm mostly referring to one situation, which i'm not going to explain but which i've mentioned before, but it's also generally applicable. for example, yesterday was supposed to be the final check-out for our duplex (she found a couple very minor things in the first check-out that she wanted fixed and which were fixed), but she didn't show up. i had taken a long lunch break to meet the lady, even called her fifteen minutes before to confirm, which she did, then she didn't show up. after waiting a half-hour i called her (left a message) and said that i had to get back to work and was leaving. she called when i was half-way back to work and asked if i was still there and could we get on with it. well, she's holding $800 ransom, so i had to be nice. i didn't want to be. but i didn't go back. she's going to "get back with me."

       it's been a while now since i've finished it--last sunday night, actually--but harry potter (as a series) is my new favorite book. surprised? haha. of course not. but it was amazing. and all you people who said that rowling was doing the devil's work can join him. last time i checked, the devil doesn't use scripture as the centerpiece of his work. and i've seen only good come of this. that right there is the greatest tell. kris asked me when i was going to read it again. i told her it'd be a while. but now it's in my mind and i want to read it again. haha.

       well, i need to get ready for work. to borrow from synthia, later on, lonely xanga journal.

so freaking excited...

       yes, i'm painfully aware how pathetic i am. but i feel like a kid trying to go to bed on christmas eve. wow. i even filled out my ncaa-style bracket on mugglenet.com to predict what was going to happen in the book. keira just called me--she will be picking up her copy in about an hour and fifteen minutes. i, however, have to squirm until 5pm tomorrow when i get off work. it will be waiting for me then, delivered by amazon. if not i will probably become unstable. i'm so anxious. and envious that my british pals are probably half-way through it by now. gah!

       i'm not going to talk to anyone tomorrow or watch any news or read any papers in case of spoilers. stupid new york times. that really does upset me. i'm not really angry about it, but it's just stupid, reading a leaked copy of the book then printing plot details in probably the most widely circulated newspaper in the nation before anyone has a chance to read it and be excited about it for themselves. that is what you might call irresponsible journalism.

       i'm also tired. we made over 1,500 vanilla creams today. by hand. we actually made the cream yesterday then let it set up overnight, but that was the fun part. today was still fun, but there were a ton of the little devils. by the end, my little zig-zag design (not the one i mentioned earlier--this one is a candy factory standard) looked like a crazy person had done it. haha. white chocolate lines all over the place. i started doodling on the conveyor belt in white chocolate with the piping gun. also started practicing my lettering. kris laughed when "will you marry me" fell off the end of the line (we're starting to get into wedding things and we've had a special order or two--i wasn't just being stupid).

       i think i should go to sleep. maybe tomorrow will come faster that way. and i'm sure i won't have any sleep tomorrow night.

nine to five at honeydukes...

       harry potter is taking over my life. it's a little sad, i know. today my boss offered me tickets to a play on saturday night that he and his wife had planned on attending but couldn't. i kinda shuffled my feet a bit and looked appropriately ashamed of myself as i mumbled a sincere thanks but that i was busy...i had to read. when he and kris gave me odd looks i explained...harry potter. kris kinda rolled her eyes, but mike looked at me with a sheepish grin on his face and asked, "so what do you think's going to happen?" his response surprised both kris and me--kris kinda threw up her hands and gave an exasperated sigh, but i was just happy that standing in front of me, the only other guy in the place, was a fellow potterphile. we briefly exchanged theories then went about our business as it was a little awkward to be standing around talking hp with my boss while i was on the clock. good times, though. oh, and i almost forgot. this morning kris was admiring my pattern on the strawberries. she's said that each candy-maker has had their own design and that you could tell who made what by their style and mark. she's been encouraging me to develop my own. i decided not to tell her that the zig-zag line was inspired by a certain scar. haha. it did look pretty good, though. i'm definitely learning. have i mentioned that i'm excited? two days now...

       this full-time work thing is a little strange. i feel like my life is suddenly devoted to this place and i'm barely getting anything else done. yeah, i do have some time after work, but i'm usually pretty tired. i make a little supper, eat, and maybe watch a little t.v., then by the time i feel like i have any energy again, i turn around and it's nine o'clock. i guess i can't expect to be adjusted to it after the second day, though. i'm sure i'll find my routine again pretty soon. anyway, i suppose i should stop complaining about how much time i don't have and get off of xanga. we're making creams tomorrow--kinda excited about that. later.

the candy factory chronicles...

       day one: i love this job. i seriously love this job. the morning started with a brief explanation of the back rooms and how to determine what needs to be made and what to keep an eye on. then i met up with kris, the other confectioner, and she began to familiarize me with the equipment by jumping straight in. we started with the chocolate covered strawberries. these were a little scary. mine looked slightly mutated at first, but i kinda got the hang of it as i went along and they started to look like strawberries. then we did raspberries. mine were a little over-large, but a little extra chocolate can't hurt. i think i was more worried about my stuff than she was. the fruits were the most difficult because they kept rolling around and dripping everywhere. the chocolate covered grahams and oreas and pretzels were easy, but then we did katys, which are my favorite so far. wow, those things are amazing. they're like large turtles. i ate one with lunch and another later in the afternoon had a little drip, so we had to be picky, of course. then kris left me. haha. i was all by myself for about two hours on my first day. made about ten pouds of katys, though. haha. now i'm tired and my feet feel a little like mush, but i'm happy. i really think i'm going to love it here. oh, and they're already asking me to start developing the artisan chocolates.

       so i keep checking amazon.com to make sure everything's fine with my order. don't want anything to go wrong. haha. so excited.

       well, i'm going to go unwind some. later.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

       this part of the roller coaster is called the downward spiral. or perhaps the plunge straight to the bottom. yes, after such a good week, i guess this would rather be the sudden drop where you have to close your mouth to keep your heart in. unfortunately, i forgot to close my mouth and i think i won't last much longer now without a means of supplying oxygen to my brain. you remember that friend i mentioned earlier. well, i don't know what's going on there. we're 800 miles apart and we still can't stop fighting every time we talk to each other. now i'm afraid that our friendship will be one of those that we'll both try to forget and that when we do see each other, what passed between us will only be a vague memory and we'll be forced to endure polite and meaningless conversation until one of us can come up with an excuse to leave.

       how do you stop loving someone? more often than not i find myself hating him. it's not a loathing. i'm just so angry with him. i hate him for being so far away. i hate him for taking away the few things that we could do together in the end, distancing himself from me. i hate him that he's been able to jump back so quickly and he hardly seems to spare a thought for me anymore. he keeps himself so busy he can't even talk. and i hate myself for being like this. i mean, what the hell? why am i like this? why can't i just forget and move on with my life? why can't i enjoy the friends i have here? why do i miss him?

       listen to me, i sound like a disgruntled ex-girlfriend. get over yourself and get on with it. i mean, that's not normal, is it? to be so torn up about some stupid friend? and i have been all summer. i just want to forget and pretend there was never any friendship at all. i don't want to remember a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. i don't want to care.

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

       i decided to change my layout back. i never planned to keep the chocolate one for long. it was purposed more for a sort of hope that the job would come my way, which it did and i'm grateful for that. this old one's a little bit more to my taste, though. it's cleaner, more soothing. like rora said, the other made me feel fat.

       i don't think i'm going to say anything more about this. i'll probably get myself into enough trouble just by posting this to the small handful of you who can read my protected posts. don't think bad of me, please. i'm just not sure how to deal with this. the biggest reason that i hoped i would get this job was not for money, even though i needed it, but so that i would have something else to think about--something to pour myself into. i haven't been able to write because it's such an emotional process and your mind has to be clear. my feelings would come out too much in what i was trying to write. and i just haven't had the will for it. the things i hold important in my life are not the successes or accomplishments or how many good deeds i do or how many people i witness to. the most important thing to me is my relationships. in the end i don't think it's going to be so much about the things you did, but how much you loved. and lately i've felt neither loving nor loved.

i am willy wonka...

       well, it's official. i received the call this morning from the candy factory and they offered me the job. i start on tuesday, shadowing and training with the current confectioner, also named chris, whom i met yesterday and she seems awesome. there's a satellite radio in the confection room and we discussed our musical preferences. she loves country and classical, so i'm sure we will get along very well. i'm so excited. my hours are 9:30am to 5:00pm (or 6?) tuesday through friday and 10am to 5pm on saturday. the dress code is a t-shirt and shorts. haha. forgive my enthusiasm. i'm kinda giddy.

       so tuesday night i went to the midnight premier of order of the phoenix with keira and several others. then i went again last night with my mom. she came down to visit and took me out to eat, grocery shopping, and to a movie (she wanted to see it and i didn't complain). it's probably my favorite of the movies so far. they definitely cut a lot out (expected, since the book was almost 900 pages), but they also changed a few things. that was annoying. but i still liked it. even non-harry potter enthusiasts will enjoy it, i think. but yes. very good. and highly recommended.

       i'll keep this one short. i'm excited. lots to do still, though. take care all. later.

dudley demented...

       i don't know what it is about thunderstorms. maybe it's the electricity in the air or the change in pressure or the saying that "God is in the rain," but for some reason they're kinda magical to me. i'm always at my creative best during a storm. love them. it's raining now, by the way. i've been having lots of ideas lately, both for short stories and the longer one i'm working on. might take a crack at that after i finish this.

       second interview tomorrow morning at eleven. very nervous/anxious/excited. i'm not so worried about the interview itself as i am about the prospect that i might or might not have this job. i really want this job. i hope they like me.

       so...big night tonight. going to see order of the phoenix at midnight with keira and a bunch of people i don't know. wait, i kinda know one of the other guys. but yeah. i'm excited. probably pretty stupid to go to a midnight showing when i have an interview the next morning, but you know... it's harry potter. not quite sure what to expect yet, new director and all. cuaron was the best so far, i think. but this is a good book to adapt to screen, except it's also the longest so they probably cut most of it out. this book wasn't my favorite of the six so far, but it has one of my favorite endings (with the exception of the death). i hope they do the deathly hallows well in this one or they might be kinda stuck come the seventh movie. cause i'm pretty sure that's what that room is. anyway. we'll see. i'm excited.

       a certain hiatus that i mentioned in a previous protected post is backfiring. not feeling happy about that.

       it's already stopped raining. i should go run. ha. probably won't. i'm hungry. must have food. food is better than running. think i might bake some bread tonight, too. i go through it a lot faster when i make it myself. later.

the house of gaunt...

       i've been on such an emotional roller-coaster lately. every time i try to post i keep deleting it because i end up having nothing to say or i feel like crap and don't want to exude all that crappiness into the world. yeah, i don't have much to say in this one either.

       on a happy note, i have my second interview at the candy factory next week.

       i can hear all the partiers outside my window, stumbling back to their apartments and frat houses since all the bars have closed. it's terribly annoying, but a part of me wishes i could run out there and join them. except i really hated college. i'm beginning to wonder why i wanted to stay down here. oh, right -- nowhere else to go.

       so my best friend and i have decided not to speak to each other anymore...

pathetic fallacy...

       it's dusk now. light enough so that the dull-yellow street lamps aren't effective at all, but dark enough that i can hardly make out anything outside my window except for the headlights of the occasional passing car or the square lights of the windows in the apartment building across the alley. kind of a boring time, actually. the sun has already set but the stars aren't quite out yet. i definitely feel like i'm in a sort of limbo. or perhaps a purgatory. but i'm not catholic, so i don't believe in purgatory. we just name it something else. haha.

       i've spent so much time living to please others that i think i've forgotten just how to be me. that's one of the biggest things i think i've learned so far this summer. i've mentioned it before, but all of this "me" time is getting downright strange. i don't know what to do with myself. when my friend from high school came up last weekend i was a little surprised when i realized that i couldn't remember how to act around him. i definitely wouldn't describe myself as a social chameleon because i know what i like and what i don't like. yeah, for the most part i still try to go with the flow. things just work better that way. but i think i have a better sense of self when i'm around other people, if that makes sense. right now, though, i feel like i'm trying to shape this entirely new identity. i'm getting kinda bored with it. it's so weird to me, though, that i feel like i've lost myself. well, probably not lost. when i finally find me i'll most likely realize that i'd been here all along. but i wish i'd hurry up. i'm really slow.

       i remember a time when i would work out for me, when i would go out on the trail and run or take a leisurely walk for the sake of enjoying it and for being healthy and for looking my best. and i was those things. now i wouldn't consider the last few years in any way wasted, but for some reason i stopped doing that. i forgot how. i got so wrapped up in trying to please others that i lost track of who i was. and suddenly i became ashamed of myself. their expectations were impossible. but i had shaped my life around them, and now they're gone. so that shape begins to lose its form. it's not a crumbling or falling to pieces so much as a slither to the floor--a fluid motion of old habits and old dreams sliding away like an unveiling curtain pulled away to reveal nothing.

       it's night now--a relatively clear night with a few stars visible through the light pollution from the city. the light from the street lamps is cold and artificial and it makes me feel the same. i think about the people in the passing cars and wonder where they're going and who they're going to. the curtains in the windows in the apartment building across the alley are drawn and i wonder what's going on behind them. kind of a boring time, actually. i think i might go take a walk and feel the summer's night air on my face--just to enjoy it. later.

accio chocolate...

       i'm super-tired and it's really late, but i'm feeling all contemplative and crap so i figured i'd get a post in. such a busy week. such a good week, too, but today just kinda knocked me down for no apparent reason so i'm here at one in the morning trying to figure things out on xanga. it is a little easier to sort things out in writing. it may not solve anything, but at least it's all organized in nice little piles that you can look through whenever you need to. a sort of penseive in that way. yes, i'm a nerd. and if you know what a pensieve is you can't laugh because you're one too.

       had the interview on wednesday. i think it went well. i hope. i'm supposed to hear back by wednesday whether i will be invited back for a second interview. not a clue what to expect there. i guess it would be with the rest of the family (family owned business). i'm still nervous about it all, though. never really came down from that after wednesday. i was all wound up after. val (she's the l-house director--my boss, essentially) talked to me afterwards to see how it went and i was so jittery that she had to actually tell me to calm down. i was nervous during the interview, but not horribly so. i had responses to most of the questions and i bumbled through the others with at least some grace. it was pretty laid-back and the guy was awesome. he even told me that it went well and he seemed somewhat excited to potentially have another guy there. i'll probably pee my pants at the next interview, though. i'd really like the job. i think. see, then i get nervous about "what if i don't like it?" and all that. pfft. breathe in. breathe out. i just know that i don't want to go back to hy-vee.

       thursday i woke up early and gave plasma so that i could afford to drive home for a dentist appointment (still ne'er a cavity), then to see a gordon lightfoot concert. went with sam, a friend from kansas that i met through brandon. then he brought his sister, synthia, whom i'd only met online. it was a little strange to meet her in person, but i think she was just how i expected/pictured her to be--awesome. perhaps a little more sarcastic. a little funnier. and quieter. but then i'm always quiet around new people, too. met four other great guys there. i really had an awesome time and the concert was really good. he's an awesome songwriter, but he's also quite the entertainer. definitely have a new appreciation for him. i think i even liked him better live, which you can't often say.

       friday i spent the morning and the early afternoon with jett, my wonderful cat. also raided the parent's garden and got quite a few blueberries, a couple grape tomatoes, some lettuce, and some fresh green beans. i love fresh green beans. drove back friday afternoon/evening and spent a quiet night reading and unwinding. this morning (saturday) i woke up early and went with b.j. to help move a family in our church. it was rainy and such, but i'm very glad that it wasn't hot, though i was just as wet. definitely feeling my lack of time at the gym, too. couldn't grip anything to save my life, but i didn't drop anything, thank goodness. i actually had a good time and it was good exercise. i really wish you guys could meet b.j. seriously, no time spent with him is wasted. coolest guy ever.

       then i gave plasma this afternoon and it all kinda spiraled from there. i've had suspicions for a while that it affects my mood. oh well. for now it also affects whether i eat ramen or something good. but once i get a job i'm definitely going to stop entirely or at least cut down by a lot. i think the exertion this morning exacerbated the usual weakness that comes along with a donation, so i've been kinda down all evening. so i started cooking. haha. made a french silk pie for poluck tomorrow then baked some cookies for friends that came tonight--aaron and melissa. aaron and i were buds back in high school, which is weird how long ago that was. i've known him for almost ten years now. i can't express enough how much i hate the whole "growing up" thing. whoever came up with the idea of moving on with life and leaving the old things behind ought to be castrated and shot. anyway, i think tomorrow i'm going to be baking half the day. i've been making my own bread. cheaper and potentially healthier. i'm trying to work out a recipe where i can do as much whole wheat as possible without the loaf falling apart. may need some help from you crowthers. by the way, i've only just gotten the paint off my car with these last few days of rain.

       well, this isn't really going anywhere so i'd better go to bed. i hate missing people. can't stand it, actually. especially when i don't want to miss them. sometimes i just wish i could cut all ties and be free of them completely. but then i don't want to. some people just become a part of you. and no matter how much you don't want to think about them, you still love them. ah, but i'm starting to give up on that, too.

step out into the day...

       this is definitely taking some getting used to. i've always liked it best when change comes slowly, letting you take small steps in adjustment and allowing everything to sink in like a slow drip rather than having the plug pulled all at once and being sucked down in a whirlpool. so now that the proverbial plug has been pulled, i find myself looking up from this new and foreign place wondering "now what?" it's so weird that so much has changed. i think that's what's hardest to grasp. i knew it was going to be different, of course, but i don't think i was quite ready for an entirely new life, almost forced to reinvent myself and find out who i am and who my friends are all over again. it's been one month since i've been here, though i shouldn't really count the first week where i was still rushing around with that class and didn't have time to sit down and see where i was, but now that i have some perspective of my surroundings i'm feeling kind of lost. yeah, i'm sure it will all be okay. but i miss the stability of proven friendships. i miss being able to run downstairs to talk to someone. it's a little strange when you don't have loved ones around. i mean, there's a lot that i could be doing, but none of it means the same anymore and it's a little difficult to find the new definitions. i definitely need one of those "life for dummies" books.

       i have an interview tomorrow. i don't remember if i told you already, but the candy factory thing didn't work out. when i went in, they said that they were looking for someone who was going to be more career oriented, instead of someone who was just transitioning. i was pretty bummed, but i understood. but then this last sunday i was over at a friend's house making and teaching them how to make some chocolates, and the whole time i found myself thinking, "i could totally do this." i mean, i really love it. and candy making isn't terribly fast-paced and stressful like a kitchen would be, which was something else i was considering. so while i am definitely in a sort of transition, i figured that there was a possibility it might not hurt so much if i just stepped out into the sun and let my eyes adjust instead of waiting inside for something i wasn't sure that i wanted. so last night i e-mailed the candy factory again. got an e-mail back this morning saying that if i was serious about it to give him a call. so i called. interview's at 10:30 tomorrow morning. i'm so excited, but i'm also pretty nervous. pray for me, please.

       anyway, i have some errands to run, so i'd better get going. hope all is well. later.