every evening sky, an invitation...

       happy summer! today is the official first day of summer. i suddenly have the urge to lose 20 pounds and go for a swim. haha. like that will ever happen. yeah, i'm a guy and i worry about my weight. i've officially gained weight since i've been down here, too. six pounds. in one month. and i'm eating healthier than i have in a long time and lifting more, so i'm hoping it's muscle, but stepping on that scale (i have to for plasma otherwise i'd avoid it) still makes me catch my breath.

       last night i drove with bj to kansas city for an older youth class he was teaching. the class went great. awesome, really. i never go away wanting when i hear him speak. and he's probably the nicest guy i've ever met. period. but for some reason i was a rambling crazy person last night. i'm blaming it on lack of contact with other people resulting in an extreme loss of interpersonal skills. seriously, i felt like such an idiot. we definitely talked about books for most of the drive home. yeah, i like books and all, and i do like to talk about them in certain situations, but i know other people don't. heck, even in those certain situations i feel like a nerd. i have a feeling he won't want to strike up a conversation with me for a while. he did talk about my book some, on the way up. i was happy because he seemed to be picking up on all the things i'd want people to pick up on, but then i got paranoid and wondered if there was too much of it in there and if it was blatant and overpowering. i usually go for the subtle hints, but i've been told often that they're usually too subtle. i need a happy medium. i haven't been in the mood to write lately. i need to be like a shoe and just do it.

       well, i'm going to read some before i hit the hay. it's not really hay, in case you were wondering. that would be really scratchy.  

workin for the weekend...

       i just finished some of the best pancakes, courtesy of alton brown, and some awesome sausages, courtesy of rachel ray. that's right. breakfast for supper. good stuffs.

       had an unexpected afternoon. helped my friend fix his computer from 600 miles away and got to have a nice conversation in the meantime. the quiet of the house has been increasingly pressing in on me. i'm one of those that gets pretty attached to people, so the fact that one of my closest friends is that far away just makes it all the more difficult. i'll dig the hole a little deeper and add that this has also been the longest time since i've known him that i've gone without seeing him. it's just not the same when it's e-mail or facebook. i knew it was going to be tough, but i wasn't expecting it to be like this. so hearing him again made a world of difference. and i probably shouldn't be posting this. haha. i just miss my friend.

       well, i suppose i could say also that i had an unexpected weekend. brian and riff and brandon c. came up to visit. well, they weren't visiting me, but i can pretend. definitely broke the silence, which was awesome. i wish you all could experience what being in the same room with brian and riff is like, if you haven't. brian has one of the sharpest wits i've ever seen and his best friend riff (his real name is aaron, but he has a cool last name) is crazy to boot. it's impossible to not laugh. brandon c. was here helping his girlfriend move out of the house because she couldn't stand being with me. well, i tease her that that's why she left, but she claims otherwise. she was the only other native english-speaking person here. ho jong is cool, but i don't know him very well and there is a certain language barrier. i'm sure i'll get to know him better. good weekend, though.

       i think i'm going to try to go into the candy factory again tomorrow, if i don't hear from them. bj and sue are also getting on me to write more. for those who don't know, bj is my pastor. he's six years older than me and a great friend. one of the best guys i've ever met. when he found out i was writing a children's novel, he got all excited and asked if he could read it. his wife, sue, was telling me today that every time he'd sit down at his computer to read it, he'd constantly say how good it was and how he had to find out what was going to happen next, making notes and such along the way. i have yet to read those notes, but i'll say that he's definitely one of the reasons i'm still writing it. seeing his excitement and hearing his encouragement have been such a help. it's so difficult to put so much of yourself into something then let it lose. j.k. rowling likened it to pregnancy and childbirth. fortunately i'll never have to know what that's like, but in some ways i can kind of understand what she means. so tomorrow i sit down to write chapter five. out of, what, thirteen planned chapters? haha. i'm almost a third of the way there. oy.

       bedtime. later.

nature boy...

       they say he wandered very far. and while he was out on his wanderings he got a little lost and wasn't able to mention what, exactly, the greatest thing you'll ever learn was. i think he was clubbed by a bunch of bohemian vagabonds while visiting paris. and if i've sufficiently egged the door of cultural references, or rather confused the heck out of you, you'll know about where i am. so nothing more needs to be said about that.

       i've officially decided that i don't understand life. it's very weird.

       i saw a deer on monday while i was out walking. or maybe it was tuesday. no, i think it was monday. ha! it was sunday. that's right. because i went 7 miles because it was sunday. well, on my way back i saw a deer grazing along the bike path. i thought she'd be frightened by me, but she kept on eating, keeping an eye on me. i never left the trail, but as i got closer, she lifted up her head and watched me. i felt like i should have been the one running. she kinda looked the other way, so i started along again, but when i looked behind me, i was surprised to see that she was following me. i stopped for a little while and watched her eat. took a few pictures with my phone, but they didn't turn out. we were about 20-30 feet away from each other, though. it was pretty cool. a couple passed us on their bikes and the woman didn't see it, but the guy did and said "whoah, awesome!" in just about the same way you might hear that in your head. i didn't want to be rude and watch her while she ate, though, because it's awfully awkward if one is eating and the other is not, so i went on, much happier after that. haven't seen her again, yet.

       the house is awfully empty. everything associated with that, which i'm sure you have no idea what i'm talking about, is taking a lot more getting used to than what i thought. katy knows what i'm talking about.

       i keep going grocery shopping for some reason. i've been three times this week. i'm eating well, though. haha. haven't been out to eat yet. i've been in super-cooking mode, now that i have my own kitchen. it's been fun. still looking for a job. well, a job that i want. might have one prospect, i really hope, but i don't know. there's a chocolaterie here in town called "the candy factory." reviews call it a mixture between willy wonka's chocolate factory and the candland game. well, i e-mailed them about their hiring status and sent along a picture of the chocolates i made at christmas. i'm too lazy to link to them, so if you want to see the picture, you'll have to go find it yourselves. i think it's on the strip below. got an e-mail back saying that their current full-time confectioner was retiring and he invited me to come in for an interview if i was interested. i was like "heck yes." i didn't actually say that. but all the same, i still haven't heard back from them yet. that would be just about the best thing ever, though. then i'd really have to double up on the exercise. i would love that place.

       well, it's super late and i want to get up early tomorrow. ha. i've also been saying that i'm going to finish unpacking and i haven't done that yet. ah, and the thank-you cards. really should do those. one good thing about having to spend a lot of time with yourself is that you tend to find out who you are, in case you happened to have forgotten over the last few years. but i've been bumping into myself a lot, lately, and it's rather rude to bump into someone you once knew and not have some sort of conversation with them. well, i guess i'll say that's all for now. later.

at wit's end...

       haha. not a very witty pun, since i'll probably be the only one to get it, but it made me laugh and that's all that matters. anyway, i'm mostly entirely moved in. still a few straggling items left in the old apartment, but the new one is shaping up nicely. well, it sort of shaped up for a little while then growth suddenly leveled off as i've been tackling this online class, which i need to have finished, including taking the final, by 2pm tomorrow. i took the mid-term today. that took two hours and six pages of hand-cramping essay writing, after which i came home and plopped down on my futon and read for eight hours straight. i'm currently working on the written portions, of which i have about nine pages left to complete before studying for my final and taking it tomorrow at noon. heh. i am chris, king of procrastination.

       and king of messes. i've had a mess in my apartment, which i really like, by the way (the apartment, not the mess), for so long, it seems, that i'm actually starting to become comfortable with it, but at the same time i'm kinda wondering, in a fearful sort of way, whether the mess of boxes (mostly books) and suitcases and various items strewn about the rooms will ever go away. and if i'll ever get back to my former apartment to claim the mess of clothes and junk still there. 2pm tomorrow seems like a very long time from now. i'm currently drinking lots of cold tea to prevent it from coming sooner than i want it to. but i want it to be over. because then i'll be done and i can officially graduate. yay! ok, need to get back to work. later!

five days, eighteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, and twenty-three seconds...

       that's how long my mp3s would play. and yet i know that doesn't even come close to some of yours out there. how long will your music play? i'm curious. a buddy of mine just sent me a bunch of gordon lightfoot songs in preparation for the concert in a few weeks. looking forward to it--he's an awesome songwriter.

       told you the posting influx wouldn't last long. haha. i'm back in como as of tonight. took a load over to the new apartment earlier, but i'm back at the duplex trying to pack as much as i can before my mom and dad get here tomorrow with the truck, expecting to move everything over. i think i've figured out where everything's going to go, but i'll probably switch it around a few times before i'm satisfied. i have so much junk. it's not funny.

       went to an awesome bbq last night. it was nice to remember that i have friends other than the ones i've spent the last three years with. i mean friends from a previous lifetime that are still my friends. those are always nice to have. had a really good time. except an hour before i was supposed to be there i decided to check my invitation to see if i was supposed to bring anything. i was. the host is a really good friend of mine that had told me about it all already, so when i got the invite i kinda glanced at it and put it aside. his wife used to live with my family, so she knows all about my love of making desserts and requested i make one. haha. so in one hour i made a chocolate cake with a raspberry filling and chocolate icing. i was rather proud of it. made a mess of the kitchen, though.

       so, anyway, i'm happy to be back. once i get somewhat settled i'll tell you all about the new place and my high hopes for it. right now, though, i should pack. i rather liked this movie, but read many negative reviews and heard from a few friends that they didn't. what'd you all think? later.

it's no cause for concern...

       i'm supposed to be writing an article for a guy at church. he wanted me to write about the good and the bad of my experience at college. he was very emphatic that i write about the good and the bad. sat me down for twenty minutes last sunday night and gave me some writing tips--who i should write for, how i should write about the problems in society, etc. trying to be helpful. i don't know, though. i don't really want to be one of those people who points at a problem and goggles, saying, "oh, isn't that just terrible! someone should do something about that." when i read i don't want to hear about problems. i read for entertainment--sometimes to learn--but mostly to get away. if i learn something along the way or become aware of something that needs to be done, so be it. but i want to write about happy things, ultimately. some of my friends have criticized me that what i write is so depressing. even the "novel" i'm writing is kinda dark. but that's not the point. i think the happiest things are the points of light in the darkness. those are the most beautiful. the most touching. the most inspiring. i want to write about someone's struggle to reach that light. that's the stuff i like to read about--the stuff of hope.

       now if only i could remember where i left mine.

       i don't know. i don't mean to make people sad when they read my posts. haha. sorry, amanda. these have been difficult times. college, that is, i suppose. never quite agreed with me. right from the start i was squirming. ended up in three different places and it is taking me six years to get a four-year degree. if i ever become famous i'll tell you some stories about my college career because it will be okay to tell them then. i'll be able to look back and, from that safe distance, smile. because those years helped to make me who i am. we won't talk about what will happen if i'm not famous. i'm not prepared to think about that yet. no, really, i don't care much about fame. i want to be able to eat and pay the bills and go to a movie or a game every so often with friends. anything else is just extra. i just want to be happy. no amount of money can buy that. though i'm sure it couldn't hurt. my friends might like me then. haha.

       well, i'm going to bed. i'm tired and i have to get up to work tomorrow. thanks for the call, lewis. always good to talk to a fellow xangan.

       later.

labyrinthine...

       just a random note, but i thought it was really cool how many of the trees whose buds and budding leaves were killed by late frosts this year have reblossomed and come back to life. that doesn't usually happen. often when there is a late freeze and the trees are just budding, the buds die and the tree remains bare for the year until they blossom again the following spring. but a lot of them have regrouped and reblossomed and are once again wrapped in all their green glory. i just thought it was really cool.

       i've just discovered something interesting about one of my characters. it's somehow encouraging, especially since this isn't the first time something like this has happened, but i keep uncovering little bits of information from the etymologies and constructions of their names that fit my characters perfectly, even though i may not have picked the name based on those properties. for example, there are a few somewhat mystical creatures in the story, one of whom is a unicorn-type creature that i've named antimony. traditionally the unicorn is a symbol for Christ, which i was fully aware of. the name, however, i formed by playing around with a couple latin words, "anti" (obviously, "not" or "against") and "monos" (meaning "alone"), coming together roughly to mean "not alone." i wanted him to be one of a few symbols in the story of Christ and the Spirit. i found out, however, that antimony is an element, a metal, silvery-white in color (also the color of antimony the character) that, according to wikipedia, is "used in the making of flame-proofing compounds, ceramic enamels, glass, paints, and pottery." i'm absolutely thrilled that a symbol for Christ ended up being fire-proof and used in pottery-making. how cool is that? i could tell the same story for many of my characters, but in doing so might give away too much. even some of the main characters, whom i've named after (but didn't necessarily base on) friends have turned out to have meanings connected with their names that so pefectly fit their characters and stories. seriously...i love my job.

     ok. i'm tired. worked today for the first time in a long time. by work i mean at hy-vee, my grocery store of 8 (going on 9) years. worked h.b.c. today, stocking deodorant and shampoo and toothpaste and cycle-counting anything to do with lips or colds. wouldn't have been so bad if i didn't have to get up at 5am to get there. i was dragging by the time i got off, then came home and took a nap. slept too long, so now i'm groggy and staying up later than i should. so much i need to get done. i'm feeling a sense of urgency, like there's a lot going on and a lot i need to do. i don't know why i can't get myself motivated. burned out, i guess. and i keep thinking too much. my brain won't slow down. haha. and i left my meds back in columbia. eh, i don't think they work anyway. they're not prescription. i could really use them, though. oh, and i was deferred from plasma today, temporarily and voluntarily. apparently going between donation centers is a big no-no, even though i didn't break any safety (frequency) rules. so i had to choose one or the other. and while this one pays more, i'm in columbia more often, so i had to go with them. sucks. probably better, though. giving plasma drains me, literally and figuratively. haha. makes me feel tired, which weighs on my emotions, etc. probably best to keep myself in the best spirits possible right now. dang stupid life. why does it have to be so ridiculously linear? hmm. i need a friend. better yet, a girlfriend. 'cept i'd probably have to lose about thirty pounds before any of them would look at me. erg. ok. enough. bed time.

       rented pan's labyrinth today, but haven't watched it yet. looked weird, but several have said it was good. thoughts? anyway, take care, all. later.

a chapter comes to a close...

       i don't know this emotion--happiness and emptiness all in one. i just hugged my best friend goodbye and watched him drive away. it'll only be a couple months before i fly down to visit, but it's still weird. when you live with a guy for three years and see him every day, you just get used to it. i know we'll always be really good friends, but things will probably never be like they were again. makes it kinda difficult to fall in love with people (and i mean this only in every good meaning of the word) when eventually you find yourself having to pick up and move on. i don't really understand it, i guess. i think God's helping me with it, though. i'm really sad about it, but i still feel a certain amount of peace about it. like it's all going to be good. and i'm trying to think about it as a chapter coming to an end, but the story continues. you can't write off major characters in the beginning of a story. it's still not easy, though. i'm seriously going to miss the guy. and all my friends there.

       kinda funny that i started with that when i definitely graduated yesterday. it's been on the mind a lot, though. definitely more important to me. but yeah. graduation. it was looong. they split the graduations up into the different schools and spread them out over the weekend, but my school still had about 1,000 people walking (of about 5,000 graduates this semester). i was surprised that the english majors made up one of the largest groups in the college of arts and sciences. and that's just those that walked. knowing how fickle we english majors are, i'm sure a lot didn't walk. the speaker (no idea who he was) wasn't that great. just okay. he talked about how our generation could multitask because we had facebook and ipods. and how that means we were the future of the nation--even the world. kinda laughable. then we started walking. they grouped us by major--not alphabetically, which i expected them to do, but on reflection that would have been insane--and we ended up just a little ahead of the middle. i walked across the stage around the two hour mark. i left about a half-hour later (about 1/3 of the graduates did likewise) and that was when they were getting to about the middle. i was told i didn't miss anything.

       funny story, though--i haven't graduated yet. i just walked.  yup. my actual graduation date is now in august. i have an online class that won't be finished for a few weeks, but which would have been an automatic "f" had i graduated this month. this way i'll get a degree. and i'll soon be done. for now.

       and i move in to the liahona house on june first. kinda excited. i don't think i told you that, that i got the job i'd been wanting. good news there. and i think it will be good for me to be among friends still. really didn't want to live at home. and i'm still not sure what i want to do, so it'd be kinda pointless to go to grad. school quite yet. and i wouldn't be able to get much of a job yet. i don't know. i'll look around a little. see what happens. happy about the house, though. i definitely learned in all of this that it's just good to trust God. and i'm sure i'll be relearning that same lesson very soon. again. i'm home for now, though. it's good to be back, bittersweet as this day has been. made a chocolate cheesecake for mom and it was excellent. anyway, take care all. i'll be around soon.

       later.     

the friend...

       it's after eleven and no one's online and no one's at home. except me. well, i was talking to our former exchange student, troy (from australia) for a little while, but it's like two in the afternoon there, so that doesn't really count. i kinda want to be depressed and i kinda want to be away from everyone. but at the same time i don't at all. but it's me, so of course here i am in my room, typing away on xanga.

       three people i knew died this week. one wasn't as sad (still sad), but he was older and somehow death seems more peaceful when you're old. one was the older brother of a good friend of mine that i grew up with. i didn't really know him very well, but it's still sad for the family and he even had a young daughter. the last was a kid a few years younger than me who went to the same school as me. a perfectly healthy guy, he just passed out at work and didn't make it to the hospital. similar to how my friend jake died a few years ago. i don't really handle these things very well. i didn't really know these people, but it's still sad. the horrible thing is that when i heard about them i just thought that it wasn't fair. not that they died, but that i was still here. anyone else besides me think i'm a terrible person now? how selfish could i be? the kicker is, i still think it.

       i have no idea what God is doing, but i hope that he does.

       well, i'm going to go watch some old episodes of frasier. laughing is a good thing. later.

ah vous dirais-je, maman...

       i saw a meteor tonight. i was returning a couple movies to blockbuster (once again, a shameless plug for the total access program...it's wonderful) and on the drive home, just as i was merging onto north sixty-three, a green (yes, green) and yellow light caught my attention. the meteor came out from behind a cloud (at first it appeared to be coming out from the bottom of the cloud, but i'm sure it had to have been higher than that) and fell in a smooth arc for several degrees before it went out. quite amazing.

       i've been learning a couple piano pieces. a friend from rcm, jason, asked me to accompany him on his cello for church towards the end of the semester. he chose two pieces and asked me to look them over to see if i approved. one of them is among my favorite hymns ("it is well with my soul"), so of course i agreed. i love playing, but it's been years since i've played seriously and i'm a bit nervous about it. both pieces are difficult, especially for someone who hasn't played in a while and wasn't that good to begin with, but i've been practicing them every day since he gave them to me (on sunday) and i'm almost thinking that it might work. i'm hoping. except my last public performance on the piano was a catastrophe. it was my senior year in high school at the annual talent show. i chose a song that i could both sing and play at the same time and which i had memorized so i wouldn't need music. i ended up being so nervous that i forgot the chord progression in the second verse and started singing bits of the third verse in place of the second and ended up switching the whole thing around. it wouldn't have been so terrible if every verse wasn't a key change. it was a train wreck. i think i even had dead air for a while when i was trying to remember the notes. so, imagine my enthusiasm this time around, where i'll not only be accompanying someone, i'll also be playing some difficult pieces, one of which is entirely chords, which i don't like. i'm more of a linear fellow. anyway. yeah. my hands are remembering their strength, though, with all the practice. i was the "mercy" king all through high school. fingers of steel. haha.

       thirty-one days until graduation. i don't think i'm going to be ready. on so many levels. still waiting to hear about just about everything. even so, it is well with my soul. today was a happy day. i slept in until ten. i should go to bed, though, so i don't sleep in tomorrow. too much to do. have a good one, all. later.

window shopping...

       i just went shopping over the phone. it was a very strange experience. my mom has a kohl's coupon for 25% off or something like that and this weekend is a big sale, so she had me go to the kohl's here in columbia and shop around and then tell her exactly what i wanted so she could by them in kansas city and have my little brother bring them back when he comes on monday. i even took a picture of the shoes i wanted and sent it to her. i felt very funny.

       so, yet another week over. in exactly five weeks i will have walked across the stage and received my diploma. how insane is that? haha. then what? yeah, i still have no idea what i'm doing after. still waiting to hear about the position at the house. i will say, though, that things aren't as completely black (as in blind, not bleak) as they seemed. if i don't get the position, there is a slight possibility that i could move in with a buddy of mine. don't know what i'd do there, yet. i guess i'd still try to write. i really want to do that. we'll see. i'm trying to keep in mind the saying, "when God closes a door, He opens a window."

       and a friend of mine from rcm asked me to accompany him on the piano as he plays the cello. the music doesn't look too bad, but it's been faaaar too long since i've done any of that. i'm going to start practicing right away and we'll see what happens. the last time i played in public i tanked. i was stupid, though, and tried to play without music while singing at the same time. won't do that again anytime soon. the songs he chose are good ones, so i'm looking forward to it, but partly in that "ooh, look, a car wreck!" kinda way. hum de dum.

       ok, i need some food. and i have a ton of work to do. procrastinating. love it. ok, hope all's well with all of you. talk to you later.

happy new year...

       huh. since i finished that chapter i haven't accomplished a smidge of my work. no book and certainly no school. i did some housework, but i don't really count that. i kinda like doing those kinds of things: cleaning out the garage, mowing the lawn, etc. not to mention my parents were kind enough to acknowledge my state of poverty and helped me out a little in exchange for said work. except i feel like i've been smoking because my lungs are all full of dust from sweeping the floor of the garage. it was a mess. i did pull a nice april fool's joke today, though. wasn't exactly original on my part, since i did the same thing last year. i like those kinds of things, though. google's joke was pretty funny, as usual.

       huh. so. break sucked. 41 days and counting 'till graduation. that's assuming i'll be able to graduate. if i post any more i'll start rambling. in a bad way. so i hope you all have a great week. keep your noses clean!

and so closes another chapter...

       i've just finished chapter four. it has officially been two years and four months since i've started this project, and i'm just finishing chapter four. sad. welp, i guess this means i get to go on to five, though. man, i have to tell you...i'm kinda getting excited and wondering how this thing is going to end. it's taking me in strange directions, not at all like i imagined. but at the same time, quite oddly, it's exactly like i imagined. i know that doesn't make sense. before i begin the next, though, i'm going to venture into scary ground and send my baby out into the void to decide whether or not it should be aborted. oh my, no it's not so horrible as that. i don't know. i need opinion. at this point i really need a reality check, someone to tell me if i'm wasting my time on this or if i should continue. i've had one serious offer, from my pastor of all people. well, he's my pastor, but he's not much older than me and i've known him forever and he's a really cool guy. tears up a soccer field. he and his wife have had a baby (a little over a year ago now), so he's been reading a lot of children's books and has been really getting into them, asking me for recommendations. he's always been checking up on my book, though, and encouraging me, and he finally said that he wanted to read it if i wanted an opinion. so i'm nervous as heck, but here goes. wish me luck.

       i'm officially not getting as much accomplished as i would have liked. it's only tuesday night, though. still immensely enjoying the break. went for one of my ten mile walks yesterday and loved it, but it had certainly been a long time since i've gone that far. might do it again tomorrow if i get some things done. this has been a really good opportunity for me to gain a little perspective on things, though the problems still exist. they probably always will. i've been reading "walking on water" by madeleine l'engle, though, which has really spoken to me. when i read that book i feel like i was meant to be an artist. kinda sounds a little funny, i know, but it really is giving me hope, which i'm definitely not going to laugh at. i've felt so... out of place. but i think i'm beginning to understand why. rora, i recommend it. i have the one with the foreword by nichole nordeman, one of my favorite musicians, who adds a really cool perspective to it.

       anyway, i think i'm going to try to go to bed at a relatively decent hour tonight. haha. it might happen. oh, wait, it's already 12:30. oops. well, stay classy, xangaland.

good afternoon, seattle—i'm listening...

       i usually avoid coming back, but when i do i'm generally glad that i did. this is the second time i've been home this year, and i was greeted by my mother waving from the porch as i came up the drive. haha. she helped me get my things in, then promptly showed me where she had stashed all of her easter chocolate. now i'm sitting in my old room, at my desk in front of my dormer window, enjoying the cool evening breeze off the fresh rain-washed hills surrounding our home. kinda sounds like something out of the waltons. or something like that. just watch, by the end of the week you'll be hearing about how much i want to get back to columbia. nah, i think it will be a good week. started off good, so that's always...erm...good. tonight my parents and i sat down and watched the fourth disc of the second season of frasier (current disc at home from my blockbuster total access membership--highly recommended, btw). i've been mixing in some of my favorite television series in with the movies. somehow they're always better, though, when you're watching them with people you love.

       being in a different place for eight-to-nine months out of the year kinda messes with your sense of family. i guess i've been trying to build one in columbia, out of friends and coworkers and such, but i've been failing rather miserably, haven't i? half the time i want to throttle my friends in their sleep, and i guess i'd have to work in order to have coworkers. kinda refreshing to remember that i have people who love me here. and always will. i definitely feel very blessed and very fortunate for that. sure, there are tons of problems, but the wonderful thing about family is that you always get a "get out of jail free" card, so to speak. and if you're not sure the card will work, you can always hide things away and hope they never surface. haha.

       talked to my hopefully future boss today before i left columbia for home. her name is val, by the way. she said that it would probably be the first of may before a decision is reached. i played it off, ("oh, that's not why i stopped by anyway" -- it sorta was) but that is cutting things a little close. so now i'm going to be on the edge of my seat for the next month, praying my butt off, insides churning, wondering what i'll do if i don't get it. i'm trying to stay open about it and accept that if i don't get it, then God wants me somewhere else. but the more i think about it, the more excited i get. really, it's not exactly a lucrative position. but i really do want it. haha. i have all sorts of ideas running through my head--grand schemes about what i'm going to do to make it a better place. no, i'm not exactly imagining all of us spontaneously breaking into song and holding hands around the fire (or television, i suppose), but i really do want to make a difference in that place, and it would be a wonderful opportunity for me. the waiting just heightens everything.

       i like spontaneity, but i'm the sort who kind of has to pencil it in. i like plans. details. even writing this book without a set plan drives me crazy. not knowing where i'm going to live in a few months drives me crazy. and yet, to completely nullify everything i've just said, in other ways i hate having things set out and detailed or listed in order. sometimes things just have to be messy. like life. life is messy. life is insane. the more i try to find a sense of purpose, the fuzzier everything gets. the more i try to reach out and find a family of my own, the more impossible that seems. i'm twenty-three, almost twenty-four, and i know some still see that as young. then i see all my friends getting married, former "girlfriends" having their second round of children. i know there's no reason for it (or at least not a lot), but i begin to imagine myself alone at forty, the reclusive writer living at home with his parents, assuming they don't kick me out. and i can't help but think about how much of life i'm missing out on, either by worrying about missing out on it or by wanting a certain thing so badly that i pass up all of the other experiences that come along. with every week that passes (and they seem to be zooming by lately), i see the wisdom of henry james's "the beast in the jungle." appropriately, it's about a guy who has this great feeling that something amazing is going to happen in his life, and he sits at home waiting for it to happen, only to have it pass him by, not realizing that he had it within his grasp all along. i am definitely that type of guy. the wallflower. so how do you carpe that diem, i wonder?

       it completely devastates me to think that in approximately a month and a half i will have allowed the enjoyment of my college years to slip through my fingers.

       i guess solace can be found, though, in mom waving from the porch, the cat rubbing against your legs when you walk in the door, and sitting down with some breyer's black raspberry and a couple dove dark chocolate eggs and laughing along with a good show.

       goodnight, seattle. we love ya!

fetid...

       i'm not sure what it is with the sudden influx of posts. relatively speaking, of course. i've been trying to write more, so i guess that could be part of it. this is definitely a more inspirational time of year. also, my creativity tends to come in spurts following a dry spell. the end of chapter four is on the horizon. found someone to read it, too, to tell me if i'm wasting my time. my pastor, actually. i told him a long time ago that i was writing, and he's been keeping tabs on it ever since, always asking me how it's coming along and such. i've now told several people, which i'm beginning to regret. but i sort of did it for the same reasons why i regret doing it. if people know about it and are expecting it, it will be harder for me to quit on it. now i have several people asking about it. drives me crazy. no, i'm not finished yet. no, you will probably never read it. no, i won't tell you what it is about. i thought about throwing it away tonight, actually. at this point, though, that's starting to feel like it would be an abortion. just let a little air in. (now how many people would see the hemingway reference just there? yeah, that's how crazy i am). i'm seriously doubting my parental abilities, though. fortunately/unfortunately, however you see it, the little bugger is still alive and kicking me in the groin. or it could be some fear about that whole showing an unfinished work thing. crap.

       so i've been on a personality test kick. i did it on facebook, so i'll do it here, too, for the, like, two people who read this that aren't on facebook. so the other two of you have already taken it and need not worry. go here. do it. especially rora. i'm curious about you. tell me the letters. thisis what they mean. as for me, i am:

You Are An INFJ
The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

       that's the short, blogthings version. the two linked above are the scientific ones. and, believe it or not, they're pretty dang accurate. check it out. anyway, i'm laughing at this thing here that says "independent." i'm a regular old pendulum on that one. thing is, i think i really am independent. just have too many dang issues. and it tells me i don't stray from my vision. definitely wanted to do that tonight. and infinite is a relative term when it comes to patience with roommates, i think.

       spring break is going to chew me up and spit me back out a shapeless, murky-brown colored, lifeless lump of loneliness (how's that for alliteration?). i'll try to stay positive, shall i? yes, all things considered, i think that is being positive.

       independence is nice until you love someone. then everything gets all screwed up. currently trying to decide if it's worth the hassle.

       well, for those of you fortunate enough to still have a spring break, i wish you well and have fun. retroactive, of course, if you've already had it or are currently having it. as for the rest of you, well, um... sorry. you're stuck with listening to me. well, no, i guess you're not, really. the fun starts tomorrow.

       man, it's almost two in the morning. i should try that new therapy...what was it called? sleep? yes, that's it. ok. later.

the moon is a sliver of silver...

       new song below. rich mullins is definitely cool. so is the color green. i was thinking, "man, my site is awfully green." then i had a great idea. hope you like. so we had a meeting at our house tonight. made a tres leches cake and some chocolate chip cookies. the cake was weird to make (i used a box because i've never actually made one before). but after you finish baking it, you turn it upside-down, poke a ton of holes in it, then pour about four cups of this milk mixture over the top of it. yeah. strange. the one i was worried about said he liked it, so i guess that's not too bad. probably being nice, though. it was different.

       i think i'm going crazy(ier). the other day i had a few turkey breasts in the fridge that i had cooked ahead of time. i'd already eaten a couple, but there were two left. then they disappeared. poof. gone. i couldn't remember eating them, and no one else would have, but i was trying to remember when i would have. fortunately, i hadn't. my stupid roommates threw them away because they thought the italian seasoning on it was mold. they were, like, two days old. oh, well. then today i went to the gym, which was good, then went to class. problem was, we didn't have class today. yeah. fortunately, again, i wasn't the only one there who had missed the memo. unfortunately, that was the second time i had done that, and the first time i was the only one--i was an hour early to class. mama mia.

       well, i have a day off tomorrow, so that will be nice. no set plans, but several things i should do. man, this blog is lame.

       ok, i'm off to bed. sleep is good. later.

thunderstorms...

       well, it's definitely spring. except it snowed yesterday. that was odd. but it's been in the 70s and i've been loving every minute of it, even if i'm not spending all my time outside. thought it was about the right time to change up the site, too. even though it did snow yesterday. that was very odd. hey, it's missouri.

       i don't really have a lot to talk about. i've found myself in this boat quite a bit lately. just kinda letting things move on their merry ways and hoping that it all works out in the end. march madness might have something to do with it, too. i like sports, but mostly just as exercise or diversion. definitely not as a way of life. <rant> i think too many people put far too much stock into sports and turn something that could be quite good into something wasteful and worthless. i don't understand how people spend all their time memorizing stats and following teams and watching people talk about something that's supposed to be just a pastime. or how someone could get so upset when their team loses. that's what really gets me, i think. something that's supposed to be fun turns into something that's entirely about winning--to prove to everyone that you're better than someone else, that you have worth because you can run faster or throw harder or whatnot. i really don't think that that is how it's supposed to be. during intramurals over the last couple months i watched some of my friends become violent because they lost or were playing poorly (usually both). then they're in this bad mood for the next day or two. it's just a friggin game. it's pretty sad if your life is defined by a game. </rant>

       didn't really mean for that to be a rant. hmm. so i bought a couple movies since the last time i posted. casino royale and stranger than fiction. love both, especially the latter. i have all of my dvds in a binder for convenience/portability/organization, and of course they are all in alphabetical order (excluding series, which are alphabetical by the series title). i know, i'm a nerd. i'm amassing quite the collection of dvds now (i love movies), so casino royale was kind of a pain to add, being at the beginning of the alphabet (it's the only bond i own, so i don't bother with series here). i had to shift all of the following discs back a couple slots so i could fit it in. yeah, i know. really crazy, huh?

       i am chris's neurotic mess.

       i'm beginning to think i'm going to survive. my physical and mental condition upon reaching this goal is still somewhat unknown, but i think, at least, that i will still be very much alive. i'm alienating myself from my friends, i'm procrastinating responsibilities that should not be procrastinated, and i've been baking a lot. i have been exercising, so that's good. but finding that will to survive is increasingly a challenge. the really funny thing is that i'm comfortable here. well, not really comfortable, but i know what to expect. after this, it's all blank. an adventure without a map. to the left-minded, that's exciting. to right-minded infjs, that's insanely overwhelming. i'm trying to get a job as the ra for the liahona house next fall, which would be awesome. free rent in a nice apartment and time to write with friends close by. the only other alternative that i can see right now is to go home, live with mom and dad, work, and write when i can. living 40 minutes away from town, there are no friends close by and i would go completely insane. i really want that ra job, but there happens to be someone else applying for it who is a favorite of the director. so, basically, i'm screwed. not really. i'm trying to trust God that he knows what he's doing in my life (and that he's still working with my life). but i'm still freaking out. yes, i know, i'm still dwelling on all of this. i'll shut up now.

       so it's after noon and i'm still in my pjs. skipped church this morning for a stupid reason, but it's done. i need to get moving. maybe accomplish something today. or maybe part of something. that would be good. i'm beginning to think that people don't like me very much. heck, i don't either. i want to have something to offer.

       hmmm...oh well. take care, all. have a good one.

thunderstorms...

     i always get depressed when i go to the gym. i don't think it's supposed to work that way. i'm probably the only one who isn't motivated by the other people in there. i'm not really a competitive person, though, so i suppose i don't have that edge. i don't know. can't be right.

     so we had a very interesting evening at 1507 raleigh drive last night. quite an evening. almost turned into a brawl, actually. one of our housemates has been extremely stressed by about a million things that are going on, and last night he just up and snapped. and i mean snapped like a dry twig. he lost it. he attacked brandon when he was trying to refill his milk because "he looked at him." i had been in brandon's room talking to him, so i ran out and separated them. brandon is a pretty scrappy guy so he was able to avoid most of the blows, and fortunately he didn't lose his temper or it would have been over for the other guy real quick. he and i went outside to walk around a bit and cool off, while our housemate's girlfriend took him for a long drive. happily, the other guy cooled down and came back and talked to us for a while and we've smoothed it over, but i'm still a little shaken about it. had the adrenaline pumping and everything. so, yeah, crazy night. and there's a reason this is a protected post. i'm not trying to bring down the guy--he's a great guy. we all get stressed, and he definitely has a lot going on, so for the few that know who i might be talking about, i beg you to keep mum entirely. that means you, katy. ;) best to forgive and forget, but i just wanted to share about a really crazy night. i was scared for my best friend, for goodness sake. and i was about to jump in there with him if we couldn't stop the other guy. definitely glad i didn't have to. as my previous paragraph states, i probably would have received quite a beating.

     well, that's about all i have time for right now. i need to print the bulletins then i'm going to go back to my house and work on my secret hobby. :) take care, all.

fighting windmills...

     this is the first time i've sat down to write in i can't remember how long. well, since the last post, i suppose. there's a lot to talk about when you don't update for three weeks. once again i don't really have a lot going on, yet i find myself flustered when i run out of time for things. like writing. so i decided that i was just going to sit down and do it. so here i am. i just purchased and watched stranger than fiction. great movie. british accents inspire me. i don't know why. i think it's the way the language just rolls off their tongues in fluid and witty ribbons of thought that makes me want to do the same.

     so what's new? what's different? not much, really. i'm still the same old, hopeless single destined to be forever a dreamer. did i leave out that i'm also slightly melodramatic? or neurotic? huh. well, i was fortunate enough to go see cats with a friend a few weeks ago. then last thursday i went with the same friend to see man of la mancha, which is, probably, my favorite play. both were on campus and both were excellent. i kinda miss doing that. yes, i used to act back in the day. or at least i tried. let's see, anything else exciting? yesterday i was driving home from campus and a cop suddenly did a u-turn and followed me for about two miles. i had been speeding just slightly. actually, i'm not sure what the limit is on that road, but i really wasn't going fast...probably around 35-40. so i was a little nervous for those two miles, going exactly the speed limit (we had turned onto a road that i knew what the limit was), until he turned off on a side street. five minutes later i was standing in blockbuster, ready with three dollars to pay an overdue fee, and the guy behind the counter told me that when they checked the movie in the night before (two days late) they must have missed that it was late because my account was clear. so i got out of a ticket and a late fee. i was happy. then i went home.

     i don't really have an end to that story. i know i made it sound like "then i went home" was kind of an end to the happiness. i will neither confirm nor deny that thought. i don't know. i wish i had answers. or a focus--kinda like a quest. i definitely want to enjoy the trip through the tunnel, but i can't really see the light at the end of it to know if i'm in the right one. and i'm still fighting my windmills--the giants that often turn into something else right at the last minute. i feel kind of ridiculous, actually, like don quixote with his shaving basin, trotting about looking for his dulcinea and hoping that things could be made right in the world. a lunatic. i think my friends are starting to see me as that, too. i feel like i'm the one people tolerate out of charity or something. like they can't wait to be rid of me. i'm a bit old-fashioned and don't really speak the same language or have the same goals. funny that don quixote dies at the end, surrounded by people and still alone--a crazy old man. stupid windmills.

     to each his dulcinea.

     so i found a new hobby. i kinda like it, actually, and i'm not bad at it (though i'm not sure how anyone cold be). i've almost finished the first--it will be about two and a half weeks in the making. i feel like i'm wasting my time, though. i should be writing. gah! i need to do that right now.

     and nothing happened on valentine's day. i promised an update, so there it was. we went to a basketball game. how fun.

     feeling lonely.

     ok, so i'm going to go write now. hope you all have a good week.

before i go run my butt off (hopefully)...

       hello all. it's been a while. just one of those things where i'm thinking, "if you don't have anything good to post, don't post at all." sure, i've had good things. just not so many to post. and i'm not necessarily saying that this one's going to be chock full of them, but... ok, i'll stop. on with the post.

       so i might have a "job" in the fall. well, not so much of a job as a place to be. the house director talked to me last year about being the r.a. starting in the fall when the current r.a.'s leave. there was only one other person vying for the oh-so-lucrative (i'm being facetious) position (my brother), but he was gracious enough to withdraw in lieu of my current situation (and the fact that he has a new girlfriend that might complicate things). it's not a paying position, but i would have free rent on a nice little apartment (and it is nice), with no worries about paying any extras like utilities, etc. i can have another job and/or continue my education if i so choose. the only requirements are being around and available at certain times to keep peace. i'm thinking: good place to unwind after a six-year college run and work to pay off loans (instead of working to keep an apartment) while not having to work a ton so i can have time to write. lovely on the surface. beneath the surface we have a million questions like, "what do i want to do with my life?" and "should i get started on it now?" while also thinking "do i want to continue to grad. school? and if so should i do that immediately?" i don't know. one of my professors told me that if i went to grad. school (and she thinks i should) that i should not stay at mu, but go to k-state. which is where brandon is going. yeah, i can see him being thrilled about that.

       is it silly to pursue dreams? would i be unrealistic to stay here and try to write? do i think i could do it? yes, i think i could. honestly, i do. but it's still a terrifying thought. i'm at an interesting point in the book. it's the point where i've stopped in all the others. it's the point of creation. where all of the initial ideas begin to run out, the exposition is wrapping up, and the conflict is introduced. here i have to start seeking out the answers to the questions i've been asking. how do you answer your own questions?

       it's difficult to not worry about the future. it's even more difficult to trust in someone you can't see to make everything in that future work out so well. lately things have been taking a slightly different turn than i expected them to take. everything's kinda falling apart. well, no, not everything. but the things i really care about. "falling apart" is a bad word. it's losing its structure. things are becoming more fluid, more uncertain. more apt to change. in just a few months my friends, my home, my life will all change. i've become so inextricably attached to some of them that i have no idea how i'm going to handle being ripped away. it's silly to think that i'll never see them again, but things will never be the same. they'll go their way, do their thing; i'll go mine. it's hard to find hope in that. it's just that when you've loved and lost so many times, there begins to be so little of you left. wouldn't it be wonderful, for a change, if we didn't have to lose?

       okay, i'm starting to get sentimental. and long-winded.

       oh, i need to go to the gym. sweat some of this out. so how about that super-bowl? commercials were kinda disappointing. we had a couple assignments last week where we had to read the newspaper cover to cover on two different days and be quizzed about them the next day in class. i've discovered that i hate journalists. no, not all. but it was such terrible writing. i've decided to blame, in part, the degradation of our society's vocabulary and syntax on modern journalism. they cater to the ignorant, dumbing-down the rest. there's my soapbox for the day.

       d-day...one week and two days. stay tuned to hear the story of one young man's struggle (and ultimate failure) at finding love. lots of movies and weight-gain to follow. stay sexy, xangaland. (did i really just type that??)