i think i can...

       quiet day. went for a long walk to get the week started right. it was nice. haven't done too much, but i'm kinda sorting through a bunch of junk, throwing away as much as i can and trying to find the right place for the things to keep. i tend to accumulate a lot of stuff and i didn't sort through things very well with the last move, so in some cases i'm going through as much as five years worth of papers and misc. junk. it's not that big of a job, though. i'm trying to shed as much as possible, and in some ways it's kinda nice to get rid of the excess baggage, but some of the things are bringing up old and recent memories alike and i'm feeling pretty sentimental. as much as i like change and to travel, i really hate leaving people behind, and this time is one of the most difficult. a lot of these friends from the past couple years are the ones who helped me come out, they're the ones who were there for me, who gave me strength, laughs, blah blah blah. and really, they're some of the first friends i had to make -- many of the others were provided by church or living arrangements. i put myself out there for these. and it's sad to think that eventually they'll be reduced to memories and a bag full of ticket stubs and programs and maybe a few pictures saved on my hard drive. and yes, i plan to have something of a new life, make new friends, have new experiences while i'm in kansas city (for however long that may be), but... *sigh*  i really hate this.

       i had no idea that that last kotq challenge would be so apt. i swear i didn't plan it that way.

       it really is nice, though, shedding the layers. in some ways it's a little liberating. last night we loaded up my dad's truck and my brother's car and sent the first load of stuff home. most of it was books, haha. i think there were 9 or 10 boxes of books and i still have a box or two here that wouldn't fit. now i have to pack up all the other stuff, or at least get it ready to be packed. we got quite a few of the larger furniture things out, so my apartment feels kinda empty despite those stacks of papers that i'm sorting through spread out over the floor. and that emptiness kinda makes the other feelings ^up there^ a little more harsh. believe it or not, i really am trying to be optimistic. maybe some ice cream and buffy will help.

---

day four. your favorite book.

       if i can't pick a favorite movie or song, how the hell do you expect a bookworm to pick a favorite book? oy. there are so many. how could i leave out winnie-the-pooh or the little prince or the beast in the jungle or don quixote or lord of the rings or narnia or jane austen or or or or.... etc. but, if i must, and there's no surprise which it would be, it's harry potter.

       huh. i really have a thing for british writers, don't i?

i can't know...

       so things got kinda crazy today. i was running some errands, getting things ready for visits from the family. my brother came last night, just to hang out. we'd been planning it for a while. then my dad was going to come today to help with some vehicle issues. drive belts and tensioners and other things that i don't know anything about. but then i got an email from the people who run my house. they had said before that they were going to wait to sell it until next summer, but surprise! it's sold. i have three weeks to get out. so remember that post about being nearly 27 and not going anywhere? now i can amend it and say "nearly 27 and not going anywhere and living with the parents." because that's what the cool people do. so my dad's bringing his truck instead and were going to start hauling things out.

       and i'm freaking out.

       but hey... i've been wanting to get out of columbia for a while. sure, it's a giant step backwards, but maybe it will be good for me. somehow.

       yeah, not helping.

---

day three. your favorite television program.

       glee, at the moment. what, were you expecting something else? it's awesome.

i can't decide...

       so you may or may not remember or care that i've been doing this whole attempt at losing the weight i put on when i was coming to terms with the whole gay thing. it was a lot. i dropped about 20 of it over the last year and a half, but i'm hoping to do about that much more this summer. i've been walking/jogging (mostly walking) on one of columbia's rather beautiful trails, formerly a railroad, called the MKT. i do like columbia's park system. rather nice. anyway, i walk most of it because i can go a lot farther. you burn about the same number of calories walking as running and i have the time and i don't want to kill my joints (and i'm really out of shape), so i walk (and throw in the occasional jog or sprint). my goal was about 32 miles a week, which would work out to about a pound a week, and i've been hovering around there, with some weeks better than others, the others mostly due to illness or big rains, for nearly two months now. this week was the most, actually, with 44 miles. i was happy with that, but mostly happy because yesterday i was able to fit into my skinny jeans (30s). well, not as skinny as the skinny jeans i used to wear (28s), but happy still. they were kinda tight, yeah, but i wasn't muffin topping or ripping through fabric when moving around. but it made me feel kinda good. anyway.

       the little bro is coming to hang out with me this weekend. i'm excited. his wifey is in mexico doing some spanish studying for a month and he wasn't traveling with work this weekend, so we'll be... well, we'll probably play a lot of wii. maybe see a movie. lol. nothing too dangerous. i'm trying to decide if i should take down my calendar of half-naked mormon boys for his benefit. oh, my parents might be coming on saturday. sorry, mormon boys. i don't want to have that discussion with my dad.

       or should i not care? what do you think?

---

day two. your favorite movie.

       this one's so hard! you don't understand. i love movies. looooove movies. i once stated that i owe my firstborn child to netflix. that doesn't really make much sense, but you can kinda see what i mean. i'm gonna cheat, though. these are the ones i have listed on facebook:

The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Matrix trilogy, Contact, Wit, October Sky, X-Men, Finding Forrester, Serendipity, The Sword in the Stone, Big Fish, Amelie, Top Gun, Ratatouille, That Thing You Do!, Batman Begins, Love Actually, V for Vendetta, The Chronicles of Narnia, Stranger than Fiction, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Donnie Darko, Latter Days, Cool Hand Luke, Howl's Moving Castle. oh, and Shortbus. i don't have that one on facebook. =)

       so... yeah. laters.

i can't dance...

       so that wasn't much of a break. retroactively speaking it was, like, just over two weeks, so that's kind of a respectable xangacation, no? say yes. i'm in a decent mood, though, and i hate the reason why, but i'll take what i can get. i haven't been the most optimistic person lately and not a lot of fun to be around, really. kudos to those of you who have endured my presence in the last couple months or so. i'd start explaining but i'd probably get bogged down in it a bit too quickly. let's just say i'm facing a severe lack of direction in my life when i should otherwise have things all figured out and be well on my way to realizing such things. i turn 27 three months from yesterday. when my parents were 27 i was about 3. and just about everyone i know that's my age or even younger seems to have it together, or they're well on their way to having it together. it gets to me. a lot.

        i hung out with dan tonight. the missouri contemporary ballet had a show (they called it "a choreographic installation") in their practice studio. it was pretty cool. i don't know a lot about dance or choreography, but it's not that difficult to understand the expression. they just lined up some chairs in the studio and went at it right in front of us. i'd never been that close to a performance like that. some of the dancers were pretty impressive, not to mention attractive. i kept wanting to giggle. (this is a youtube video of one of these choreographic installations by the same troupe. the one we saw tonight was very similar, 'cept those weren't the dancers i was talking about.) then we had dinner at this coffee shop slash greek food place. strange, but good. the combination was strange, i mean. i love greek food. it's weird that i've been here for over nine years and i'm still getting to know the city. such a small town, too. we had a really good time, though. he told me that he's leaving at the end of july, which will be good for him. he'll probably be moving to new york, maybe even with an internship at GQ. so i guess i'll have a friend in new york now...

       yeah, reality is already starting to sink back in.

        so i'm way behind the times. but i'm gonna do this 30 day challenge that has been kinda going around. i'm using the same one garett is, which he got from courtney. because i'm unoriginal like that. yeah, i probably won't finish. and if i do it will probably take me about 60 days. but here we go:

---

day one. your favorite song.

        the answer to this question always used to be so easy: "everything" by lifehouse. i love that song. i'm in such a state of flux, though, that several are coming to mind, and far too many to list. of those, i'm not sure if it's more of a nostalgia thing of happy moments in my life or nostalgia for happy moments in lives i've lived vicariously through other people, real or imagined. for sake of argument and simplicity, though, we'll stick with "everything" for now. you don't have to click on it if you don't want to.

briefly...

sometimes i wake up -- and you're no longer there.

brain teasers...with answers...

 
       my mom sent me this. she called them brain teasers. you're supposed to look at the picture and figure out the more common thing that is being represented in a ridiculously complicated way. some are easier than others. post your guesses in the comments and i'll post the answers later. number 1-11, left to right, top to bottom. click to enlarge. enjoy!

 

it's later. i can't believe no one got 7. anyway, the answers follow:

1. eggplant
2. dr. pepper
3. pool table
4. tap dancers
5. card shark
6. king of pop
7. iPod
8. gatorade
9. nightmare
10. whole milk
11. light beer

=)

rambly and weird...

       what, were you expecting anything else from me? this one gets particularly pointless.

       i'm having one of those "we're all connected" moments that would probably be better explained if i were high. or maybe that's not quite it. i often get this feeling when in crowds of people, like i was tonight. i'm hyper-aware of how ridiculous it is, but i've always had the feeling, ever since i was little, of some responsibility for people, like i'm supposed to find some magical way of making everything better. i don't mean to imply that i have a certain way of doing things and that this way is the right way for everyone. good lord no. i can't even find a "right way" for me. could be my "spread the word" upbringing. or the idealist writer in me. or the fact that i'm such a narcissist.

       i'm home for the weekend and for mother's day. i think ever since i came out my mom has been worried about losing me, so she's been more intent on keeping me close. she hates all the talk of me wanting to move to somewhere like boston or scotland. lord knows neither of those will happen anytime soon anyway. i'd need to write something first. i may have mentioned starting a writing workshop with a friend? hasn't really gotten very far yet, but our next meeting is this sunday night and i was hoping to have a story ready to go. and of course i don't. because i don't write.

       i'm starting to be afraid of how much hope i've invested in the writing thing working out, even in a someday sense. i have no idea what i'd do if it didn't. it just has to. but i'm starting to feel like things are slipping by and i have nothing to show for it.

       i've been exercising more. 33 miles this week, which i'm ashamed to say is the first week since starting six weeks ago that i've achieved my weekly goal of 32 miles (i've averaged about 24). the scales at the plasma center showed me gaining a couple pounds, which is frustrating, but these are also taken in the afternoon after hyper-hydration and a couple meals. but my mom said that i was looking skinnier and she didn't know i've been trying. so that's good, i guess. i don't feel it.

       fell in love with the bbc show "merlin" this week. watched both seasons, impatient for the third. merlin needs to come out to arthur already. i love me some english mythology. and their accents are spectacular. i really want to move there. saw iron man 2 tonight with the 'rents. it was good. and it was all i could do to keep from pointing out that the guy who wrote the screenplay is a fag. i love me some justin theroux. also got tickets to see muse this november. they've never been this far inland (usually keep to the east coast) and i'm super excited. we got floor tickets. had to forgo grocery shopping for a bit to afford them. i need to lose weight anyway. i really need a new job. oh, and i got my gevalia shipment today. paid for that about a month ago so it wasn't an issue here. and it was only $10 for a coffee maker, a pound of pretty darn good coffees, a travel mug, and an insulated serving carafe. now i'm a real writer. i have caffeine.

       why am i struggling so much with church things lately? the question keeps popping up. i need one of those whack-a-mole mallets.

       well, bedtime for me. enough ramblyness. laters.

pilgrim...

yeah. i stole this from garett.

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.

---

1. If someone says "Is this okay," you say? Icky Thump. (The White Stripes)
   
2. What would best describe your personality? Breathing. (Ingrid Michaelson)
   
3. What do you like in a guy/girl? Put Your Arms Around Me. (Texas)
   
4. How do you feel today? Magic. (Colbie Caillat)
   
5. What is your life's purpose? The End of All Things. (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
   
6. What is your motto? Something She Has to Do. (Philip Glass, from The Hours)
   
7. What do your friends think of you? Say A Little Prayer. (Glee Cast)
   
8. What do you think about very often? Unintended. (Muse)
   
9. What is 2+2? Marching Bands of Manhattan. (Death Cab for Cutie)
   
10. What do you think of your best friend? The Minnow & The Trout. (A Fine Frenzy)
    
11. What do you think of the person you like? Twisted Logic. (Coldplay)
    
12. What is your life story? Don't Let Me Down. (From Across the Universe)
    
13. What do you want to be when you grow up? Only One. (Lifehouse)
    
14. What do you think when you see the person you like? This Is the Last Time. (Keane)
    
15. What do your parents think of you? Don't Speak. (No Doubt)
    
16. What will you dance to at your wedding? I Drove All Night. (Celine Dion)
    
17. What will they play at your funeral? Hanging By A Moment. (Lifehouse)
    
18. What is your hobby/interest? Oblivion. (30 Seconds to Mars)
    
19. What is your biggest secret? Don't Rain on My Parade. (Glee Cast)
    
20. What do you think of your friends? Die Alone. (Ingrid Michaelson)
    
21. What's the worst thing that could happen? Plug In Baby. (Muse)
    
22. How will you die? Diamonds and Coal. (Incubus)
    
23. What is the one thing you regret? Relax [Take It Easy]. (Mika)
    
24. What makes you laugh? Remnants and Pictures. (Mimicking Birds)
    
25. What makes you cry? Peace on Earth. (U2)
    
26. Will you ever get married? Spitting Games. (Snow Patrol)
    
27. What scares you the most? The Poet Acts. (Philip Glass, from The Hours)
    
28. Does anyone like you? Can't Take It In. (Imogen Heap)
    
29. If you could go back in time, what would you change? Pardon Me. (Incubus)
    
30. What hurts right now? The Middle. (Jimmy Eat World)
    
31. What will you post this as? Pilgrim. (Enya)

just hotness...

       forgive me this rather insipid post, but i'm currently feeling the need for a little lightness in life. things have been a bit too heavy, including myself, but the current exercise routine seems to be sticking and i'm happy for that. so...

       earlier this week a friend (straight, no less) and i were contemplating the aesthetics of and the current social pulse on... chest hair. he seemed to think that it was out, and he gave a vague (but mostly accurate) reference to the majority of models and celebrities who prefer the depilatories. i acknowledged his point but asserted my opinion that the pendulum is beginning to swing in the other direction. i, personally, find it quite appealing if kept trim, but the chest itself makes a difference, and neither would i say no to a smooth one (especially the ones pictured below). then this week on the savage love cast, dan proclaimed that chest hair is back in (which makes it official). ryan (my friend, not the one below, unfortunately) took the news happily because he didn't plan on shaving anyway.

    
(l-r) hairy: hugh, ryan; smooth: brandon, rusty. click to make 'em big.

       so what do you think? is hairy back? and which do you prefer?

that's my boy...

       so i'm in the process of potty training my hermes. yes, on the big boy potty. like this. it's been slow going. and kinda gross. but if successful it'll be so worth it. no more litter. no more cat paws trotting through poo (then through the house). i'm excited. i got this kit from amazon.com () back at the end of february. took a little bit of ingenuity on my part and lots of getting used to it on his, but we're finally making our way through the steps. this picture is of him when he's first getting used to the insert when it's on the potty, probably about a month ago, but now there's a decent hole in the middle of the insert and he's almost entirely standing on the seat to go. 'cept i have to clean it out immediately after he uses it or he poos on the floor. which isn't cool. but it's a process.

       it's kind of an ugly rug, i know, but my grandma made it. one of my friends commented that it's absolutely disgusting for a cat to use the same potty. i figure a potty is a potty. and it's a hell of a lot cleaner than litter. do you think it's gross?

jacob adam...

       he would have been twenty-seven today. it's been eight years since he died and i still think about him quite often. stops me in my tracks. i can still see him as a little kid, with his huge smile and those dorky thick plastic rimmed glasses that were held on by the elastic sports band around the back of his head. he was my first best friend. we'd stay up late watching john wayne movies, high on mountain dew, playing wolfenstein, wrestling with his part-wolf dogs, terrorizing his older sister and her freaky iguana.

       and i remember the last time i saw him. he was such a beautiful boy. tall with thick, wavy dark hair, big brown eyes. we hadn't talked in ages and he waved at me, wanting to talk, but i was late for work.

       the life he lost has been wasted on me.

a note on hate...

<edit note> a good friend corrected my unintended yet improper and rather insensitive use of the word pharisee, for which i apologize. the phrase has been removed. </note>

       so that whole huckabee thing really pissed me off. i rather liked garett's rant about it. so the other night in my own righteous anger i posted on my facebook (along with a link to the article), "if anyone agrees with this f*cktard please defriend me now. kthxbai." that started a nice little poop storm on my facebook wall. as i mentioned before i was raised mormon (more or less), and i'm still connected via social networking to many of these friends from what increasingly feels like my former life -- the life i'm slowly trying to climb up out of. so a few of the more outspoken ones felt the need to throw in their two cents instead of kindly granting my request (granted, there were actually more who posted that they also thought it was bull, but i'm talking about the others for now). a few stepped in and sounded their ideas of loving the person, not the sin, and that friendships are certainly still possible and desired. one person even said that it's a shame that i can't be friends with people who don't share my views.

       i really have to question that.

       frankly, that kind of a relationship just doesn't work for me. if you say you love me and want to have a good christian friendship with me out of one side of your mouth then from the other side say that i'm a sinner bound for hell and vote to strip me of my rights because you don't agree with my "choices" -- well that's not exactly love, is it? i certainly respect other views and i firmly believe that they should be able to express those views, but i really have no desire to maintain friendships with people who believe that i'm going to hell (a.k.a. bigots). i'm trying to cut out the negativity in my life, not invite more in. it took me over a decade to deal with all of that crap and i really don't want to have it around if i can avoid it. maybe i'm being an intolerant a**hole, but i think it's ok to be a little intolerant of intolerance, no?

       what do you think?

maybe this time...

       have i mentioned that i'm really excited about "glee" tomorrow night? well, tonight now. oooh! excitement! i made two batches of cookies this evening for the three people that will probably end up coming over. i invited about two dozen. =) people, not cookies.

       i'm starting to worry about how many guys i've been crossing off the "mr. right" list lately. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, but i'm starting to think he doesn't exist regardless. i didn't mean to make myself sound like a whore just then, either. i just mean that there have been a couple lately that seemed like they could have been really incredible fits. and nothing happens. the "plenty of fish" speech really doesn't apply here. i'm actually curious what the odds are. i've heard varying numbers on what percentage of the population we make up, from 5-10% to 25% (i think the 5-10% represents who's out), but within those confines the numbers go down based on how attractive they are to you (attractive in the general sense, not just looks) then they go down even more based on whom you attract... it gets kinda depressing. ok, it gets really depressing. why does the line "to bear a ring of power is to be alone." keep running through my head?

       a friend and i have decided to start a writing workshop here in town. there's only one that we could find, the missouri writers guild, but they only meet once a month, they only workshop every other meeting, and you have to pay for it. pfft. we're writers. we're poor. so we're starting our own. we're both fiction writers, but we might let the non-fiction people play, too. if they're nice. we might be snobbish towards the poets, though. dunno yet. poetry seems like it would be a much more difficult thing to workshop, and i mean more of the "my head is going to explode" difficult rather than logistics. we'll see. getting kinda excited about it, though. still in the planning stages, but i'm already working on short stories just so i have something to workshop, lol. so i guess it's working. i'm completely revamping an old short story that i wrote for one of my fiction classes and i kinda like where it's going. might even end up being something i'd consider submitting for publication. dan's still getting after me to submit something for the university's literary journal (he's an editor there). i'm optimistic.

       aww, hermes is curling up in my lap. must be time to go to bed. later taters. =)

feeling the fool...

       the second part of this month's kween_of_the_queens writing challenge follows. this might get dangerous, lol.

Challenge B: That's right, my loyal subjects, it's April Fool's Day. To celebrate, I'd like you to tell me about those things that make you feel foolish. Another list! 25 things on this one, too! Or perhaps you'd like to take it in a different direction? Perhaps you'd like to talk about your favorite April Fool's prank that you've pulled or fell victim to or heard about instead.

1. falling in love with someone. le sigh.
   
2. "forgetting" something that's on my head/face/body. for example, i was at the gym over christmas break and as i was leaving i freaked out because i couldn't find my beanie. i retraced my steps only to find it ... yeah, on my head. i do that with my glasses quite often. even when they're in their proper place. you know... right in front of my eyes.
   
3. attractive men. one of countless examples: today there was this guy at my sandwich shop who decided to get up and walk across the room to fill up his soda just as i was putting a sandwich in the toaster oven. i definitely missed the toaster. ham and bacon all over the place.
   
4. reading the same page half a dozen times without realizing it. i used to do this with dickens a lot. 
5. being nearly 27 and completely lacking any sort of professional career or even a plan for one. 
6. when i unintentionally make off-hand remarks that hurt people i care about.
   
7. waving back at someone only to realize they were waving at someone behind me. this happens all. the. time. it's almost to the point where i just ignore everyone now in the likely case that it's not me they're saying "hi" to.
8. when former professors or classmates come into my sandwich shop and see how far my degree has taken me. there's one guy who comes in fairly regularly, and i'm convinced it's just to gloat. even though he probably doesn't have a clue who i am.
   
9. this one, like number 7, is probably pretty universal, but i do it alot -- the whole walking into a room and having no idea what you were doing there thing.
10. when i forget that my walls aren't soundproof and start belting it along with celine dion or the glee sountrack.
    

more coming. eventually.

giddy with glee...

       so i'm going to try it again, this whole challenge thing. this one is from kween_of_the_queens. check it out. ;)

Challenge A: What gives you Glee? Seriously. What makes you happy? What are the things thing that would give you a full blown patronus or that would make you dance around in your pajamas during a raging thunderstorm singing and twirling with draperies? Let's go for a list. We haven't had one of those in a while. 25 things that make you giddy with glee. Aaaand... go!

1. raindrops on roses
2. whiskers on kittens
3. bright copper kettles

       oh... you mean i have to come up with my own? dammit. fine then. in no particular order:

1. books. well, this one might be in order. i'm a big fan. really big.
   
2. writing. more of a love/hate thing here. well, an always love but not always like thing. but it's what i want to do. for some reason.
   
3. friends. especially the ones that actually like me.
   
4. music. it rocks. even the non-rocky stuff.
   
5. midnight releases. i've dressed up once. didn't add much. but i love these. i hope i'm never too old for them.
   
6. concerts. haven't been in too long. they used to depress me. they still make me a little nostalgic.
   
7. theater. awesomeness on a stage.
   
8. movies. it's like the theater. except it's on a screen. and you can get them with subtitles.
   
9. ice cream sandwiches. oh me. more like orgasm sandwiches. i like making my own, too, with chocolate chip cookies. but the store-bought chocolate wafer ones are just as amazing.
   
10. thunderstorms. because they go "BOOM!" like dynamite.
    
11. hot showers. often more than one. often the favorite parts of my day.
    
12. kittens. though he's not much of a kitten anymore. he cuddles with me. =)
    
13. travel. i haven't been on a proper trip in almost a decade. sad sad. but i love them. love road trips. and i want to be able to travel someday.
    
14. glee. the emotion is good, but i'm definitely talking about the tv show. i'm so freaking excited for the 13th. i'm throwing a party. =)
    
15. cuddling. i'm kind of a cuddle whore.
    
16. boys. let's face it: i'm boy crazy. and it's wonderful to be able to say that.
17. british accents. david is one of my best friends (alas, haven't met him yet) and he has an amazing voice. seriously sounds like jude law. i love skyping with him. why does that sound dirty? hm... probably because i want it to. ;) now he'll never want to do it again. =( anyway. i have a slight hope that my husband will have a british accent.
    
18. exercise. maybe i'm weird, but i love it. lifting, running, what have you. especially long walks. love 'em. beach not required. company is nice, but also not required.
    
19. getting things in the mail. i'm an amazon.com and netflix junkie, so i usually know when things are coming (because i track their progress religiously), but it's also nice when they get there early. surprise packages/letters are the best, but i usually only get those from my mom. she thinks i'm special.
    
20. cooking. i like it a lot. i should go help my mom with lunch, actually. =)
    
21. teaching. some things. not school, really, though i've never tried it, but i like teaching people how to do things or about things. recently i've been teaching a friend how to sing. and it's fun.
    
22. crosswords. i love a good crossword.
    
23. chocolate eggs. or just chocolate in general. yummy stuff.
24. mania. i'm a bit bipolar, so sometimes i can't help it when i feel all giddy. sometimes it's nice, for a change.
    
25. stars. i'm home in kansas city for the weekend and my parents live a little bit out in the country. last night was the first time i've seen stars in ages. it was wonderful. =)

click! take the challenge! you know you want to...

taming mcfatty...

       so it's spring break. the house and the town are blissfully quiet, but along with the quiet comes the inevitable feeling of loneliness. i was stupid and let myself get lost in a daydream today, one of those wonderfully poisonous stories from never-will-happen-land. poisonous, yes, but only bad because it doesn't kill you -- just puts irresistibly beautiful ideas into your head that, as the name of the dream-land suggests, never will happen. instead you waste away in front of them. oh, rowling, you and your damn mirror. i know, i know: it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. funny that all i want to do is forget. in fact, after i'm through here i think i'll go read. haven't read hp in a while. oh, what now? ...bitch.

       went out on the mkt trail today. gorgeous weather: got up to 77 degrees, which is even on the warm side for my tastes, but i like it because there's inevitably more skin showing on the trail, and that's almost always a good thing in a college town. went 8 miles today and 8 on sunday. i hope to get out again on thursday to make it an even 24 for the week. i'll be home this weekend (might get a chance to go out on my old trail?! *fingers crossed*), but as of this moment i'm making it my goal to do 32 miles a week. maybe if i do that i'll eventually be one of those showing a little more skin. god, that's still only half of what i used to do my sophomore year and lord knows i have a lot of work before i'm even close to where i was then. about the weight of your average 2 to 3 year-old. yep. i need to lose a toddler. wow, that's depressing.

       trying to think of happy things to say. i had been writing, but i haven't since the weekend. i've been really tired lately, and i'm not sure why. couple weeks now. i don't sleep as much as i should, but i do sleep still, and my habits haven't changed any in the last couple weeks. but now i come home and just crash. i know what my mind feels like when it's ready to write and it just hasn't been there. too sluggish, barely adequate for rambling blogs. i tried caffeine. just makes me sluggish and unable to sleep, and i do that well enough on my own. oh, i do have a happy thing -- woke up this morning and hermes had himself all curled up in my arms, his head resting in my palm (i was on my side, which doesn't happen often). made me go "aww." see, i can't even focus. it's weird. i don't like it.

       hm. i think that's enough ramblyness for today. i need to snap out of this funk. i don't like it.

the fallout: my coming out story, part three...

part one
part two

       we've talked about it since the big day back in december: an official "part two" of the discussion, which was to take place after my parents reviewed the materials i gave them and did some searching (soul and otherwise) of their own. well, finally, that day was today. they drove down to como yesterday evening and we spent the evening just being together. went for dinner at a hibachi restaurant, where i spilled dr. pepper all over my jeans and new calvin klein hoodie (i'm not really a brand sort of person, which was one of the draws of this hoodie -- no billboards attached, even if the price tag was larger than i normally can afford, but i didn't buy it either. fortunately it survived the incident unscathed). there was a really cute waiter there, too. he wasn't ours, unfortunately, but i was glad that he didn't see me running to the restroom with what looked like a big pee stain on my pants. anyway, after going back to my apartment for fresh clothes we went to see "how to train your dragon," which was a surprise. i really liked it.

       today we slept in and i made banana pancakes, refusing to go to ihop for the greasy stuff, although that ihop diet always does me good (there's always someone fatter than you). dishes were washed and showers were had and then we sat down to talk. they told me that they've grown a lot, that their attitudes have changed/are changing, but then they started talking about these books they read by more christian psychologists who thickly slather guilt on the parents and completely disregard the genetic research. but hey, at least it's not my fault, yeah? oh, but apparently i still have the opportunity to change my mind and repent.

       *sigh*

       they told me that they'd always be there for me, that they love me and support me and would welcome my boyfriend/husband/partner/man should i bring him home, but that they still think it's a sin and just in case i ever want to be straight they wanted me to know that they'd help me out. or rather back in.

       i suggested that they see a non-christian counselor and run those other books (that should be stored at a dry, 451 degrees) by them to see what they have to say.

       in all fairness, i know this is hard for them. they told me that people are talking, in whispers and otherwise, that some are sending them anti-gay propaganda. i told them, in a much nicer way, that it's none of those people's fucking business and that they (my parents) shouldn't give a shit.

       it wasn't heated. it was a decent conversation, really, and we were all pretty open. but i'm disappointed (even though i'm happy that they have come a long way). i came away with the impression that they think it's a phase, or at least that they hope it is. but there was a point where we all realized we were hungry again and decided to go for lunch and enjoy the day. so we walked around columbia a bit, visited my current place of employment for lunch and my former place of employment for dessert and stopped at a local organics store for some tomatoes which we took back to my apartment to make guacamole.

       in the end i think it's something they'll get used to. well, they'll have to, really. or it'll turn into one of those things that the family kinda ignores and pretends isn't there. any guys i bring home won't be people i love and make love with, but "roommates" or "friends." oy. fortunately, tonight i'm going to a gay bar for lots of needed fun and booze and debauchery and mostly naked men.

use it or lose it...

       you've heard it before. it's a saying at least as old as jesus and it doesn't really matter what the subject is, whether a special talent or some fancy toy (why is my mind straying?), but apparently if you don't employ whatever "it" is, you will inevitably forfeit any command of it. right now, for example, my mind is feeling particularly foggy, and i can blame it largely on the three-hour nap i took after work today (it always takes me for-freaking-ever to wake up), but it made me think about how my mind really hasn't been as sharp as it was when picking apart jane austen (e.g.) some three years ago when i was in school. and what have i done with my mind since then? numbed it up nicely with hourly jobs such as dipping chocolates or making sandwiches. and i'm suffering the consequences now as i try to write clever plots and end up giving it up for another day.

       another thing i've lost with disuse is my voice. i started voice lessons while in high school, and by my senior year my parents were forking out $60 an hour for lessons at the local liberal arts college. it paid off, too, when i got an $8,000 scholarship for voice my freshman year in college which i threw away by transferring schools. i still kick myself a little for that decision, but for the major i wanted it really was for the best. the following year i made a cd and sang for church a couple times, but that was the last time i really ever sang in public. my range in full voice stretched just over three octaves, which is pretty good (some people are lucky to have one octave, most have around two), but now i'm barely getting more than two out of it, and i won't even get into breath support.

       as i was writing this post i also googled the phrase "use it or lose it" and the first thing that, er, popped up, was this article from the los angeles times. now fortunately i don't have to worry about that one yet (...or ever, really), but i found it interesting still.

       makes me curious, though -- once lost, can something be found? do you think i have a chance of ever regaining my razor-witted mind? have you noticed anything in your experiences that you might have lost due to neglect? do you want it back?

ramblin' man...

       i feel like i've been ripped up into a thousand pieces and taped back together with the cheap wal-mart brand that is only barely sticky enough, like i might scatter at the slightest wind. oh, but i'm fine. so. time for a real (quick) update, maybe?

       i'm becoming exceedingly efficient at alienating people. and of course i continue to fall for only those who will not have me. sometimes it's enough to almost make me wish i was straight, but even then i really don't think my luck would improve even if the odds did. i'm nearly convinced that aphrodite has it out for me.

       i've been writing again, sort of. the work continues at least. it feels like piecing together a puzzle that hasn't been printed yet, and you know that when you finish there will be a picture, but it's a sort of grab bag of whether that picture will be at all pleasing or meaningful. the analogy that many writers make of the process as childbirth is beginning to make sense in a mad sort of way. i'm kinda terrified of this thing growing in my mind. and at the same time it seems to be making me even more crazy and emotional, etc., etc. and i've barely started writing it yet.

       there's a very tiny chance that i might be moving somewhere interesting in the not-so-distant future. way too soon to say anything about it here, though. right now it's more of a pipe dream than anything else. i latched onto the idea a little too quickly, i'm afraid, and it seems suddenly many of my hopes are resting on such a flimsy chance. i hadn't realized that i needed out of here so badly. the idea of a new life is far too enticing.

       hope you're all well. i'm off to read a little before bed. big day at my so very pointless job tomorrow.

sweet sixteen...

       i got my first job when i was fifteen. my high school speech/communications class had a guest interviewer from a local grocery store as one of our tests, and he ended up offering jobs to several of us. it was a great first job. they worked with my schedule and i could pretty much work whenever i wanted and have any day off that i wanted as long as i gave about a week and a half of notice. i started working there in november and i was a good worker. the managers liked me and customers would often look for my line because i was one of the fastest and most accurate, pretty much the grocery store golden boy. high repute, i know. but i could get away with just about anything. i was pretty surprised when the request to have my birthday off the following august was denied. it wasn't a long shift and wasn't going to interfere terribly with my plans to go to an amusement park that afternoon, so i didn't protest. just stayed quiet (as was my modus operandi at the time) and went to work.

       the plan was that my dad would pick me up and take me home to change where we'd meet up with my mom, brother, and one of my best friends. we got home and i hopped out, eager to get out of the shirt and tie and slacks that was the required uniform for work. i was the first in the door and... SURPRISE! my whole high school class was crowded in my parent's living room. ok, that sounds like a lot of people, but i went to a tiny private school and i had about 18 people in my class at the time. but still. to this day it remains my most memorable birthday. it was pretty normal as far as teenage birthdays go, with cake and ice cream and N64 and such. my friend got me a bottle of michael jackson cologne, and our class clown (her name was aog) stole a pesticide marker out of a farmer's field and wrapped it in a trash bag with duct tape for me. well, there were others, but i can't remember exactly what they all were. those are the two that i still have, though. well, the cologne bottle just has a tiny bit in the bottom for sentimental value.
 
       didn't get to go to the amusement park, though, which i was a little sad about. anyway, it turned out that my mom had called my boss and asked him to schedule me at just the right time. he told me later that he felt so guilty because he didn't think he could lie if i asked him about it, but i got brownie points for not complaining.

i just participated in "surprise, surprise" - a featured grownups writing prompt. you should too!